I HEARD THAT!

Let it snow! Let it snow!

2010-12-23T01:42:00.004-06:00

If you've ever been a member of a birth board then you'll know how close friendships develop as you wait out those long hormonal and exciting months comparing everything from symptoms to due dates and debating anything from car seats to breastfeeding. My closest friend from that time is Jess. We still stay in touch today through Facebook, emails, and IMs. She's pretty cool... she and her daughter, Taylor, once sent me a surprise packet with colorful Washington state fall leaves they picked up on a walk for me after hearing me lament on the lack of any colorful trees in Houston like the ones I had in Tennessee growing up! She answered all my baby questions and the "does he need to go to the doctor?" or the "why won't he sleep?" questions I had every single day. She has 4 of her own! She cheered me from afar when I got my CI and was really struggling those first few weeks. It's hard to describe how close you can be to someone you've never met but know better than some of your own friends, but that's how it's been for us!

Jess went on to create a Zazzle account designing posters and t-shirts when our babies were really babies to earn extra income for her growing family. She is now in a Zazzle contest for holiday invitation cards. She created a cute one! I know this is normally my cochlear implant blog....but Jess has been such a good friend to me over the last few years, I wanted to do something for her. If you would take just a minute of your time and vote for her card, I would really appreciate it! Jess rocks, and I hope she wins! In advance, I thank you for any votes! :)

Merry Christmas, Jess! :)

http://apps.facebook.com/zazzleparty/item.php?id=264

How Cute are These Deaf Dogs? Vote for them to be cover dogs! :)

2010-08-30T20:45:00.008-05:00

I saw these dogs and their stories on the Deaf Animals blog tonight. Please vote for them to be on the cover of Atlanta Magazine. They are currently in second place and voting ends tomorrow. They need about 500 votes just to get ahead, and you can vote once an hour. Please spread the word and share the link. They are precious. You can find their owner's story about the work they do as therapy dogs with children at hospitals and schools by clicking on the link under my blogs. Vote by rating them at this link... Every time they are rated it is counted as a vote. http://www.atlantamagazine.com/petcovercontest/semifinals/View.aspx?ID=158369

Did you know that deaf animals are more likely to be put to sleep because they are deaf? Isn't that sad? I'd love to see more positive publicity about how amazing deaf animals can be and how they can learn commands visually and become a part of the family just as much as their hearing counterparts! The more people know, the more lives that will be saved. Please vote! :)

Also, check out Powder's story. I read about him yesterday and watched his videos.... I love this dog! http://www.firstgiving.com/rsrpowder

Happy Mother's Day to My Second Mom

2010-05-08T20:10:00.037-05:00

Don't let the title fool you. My second mom is second to none. She stands less than 5 feet tall, and she is quite the little fire cracker in the most understated calm way one can imagine. I think Teddy Roosevelt had her in mind when he said, "speak softly and carry a big stick."

My second mom is also known as Mimi to my son and stepdaughter and all the many grandchildren she and my Pops (see: http://michellescijourney.blogspot.com/2009/06/happy -fathers-day-pops.html) have had biologically, by marriage, or through kids like Gus and me who kind of lucked out and landed a permanent place in the family by default. She's the kind of mom that says, "drop off the kids and go away..." and then takes the kids away to be spoiled and expects the troops to rally back together when she calls a few hours later to meet for a cook out at the house or at the local steak house. We big kids kid about it all the time.... we kind of lost our cuteness years ago with all the little mini-me(s) running around looking angelic and charming, but my only regret is that my second mom is too far away to take my kids and shoo me away more often only to be summoned back for lunch or dinner with no excuses accepted for not showing a few hours later. Such would be bliss.

I met my second mom for the first time one crazy night when I was on a first date with her oldest son in 1986. He was a high school senior, and I was a junior, and we were both fairly shy. He was the cutest kid who wore the shortest, yet preppiest shorts because he was a runner... a very serious and all business runner.... and oh... he had the most amazing legs I've ever seen in my life, and judging by his attire, I'm pretty sure he knew it too.

Anyway, we were running late from our date for whatever reason and my curfew was at midnight... pronto... no excuses for being a single minute late, or I'd be grounded the next weekend. There was no way he could drive me home that fast. What I didn't mention is that my mother was also that shy boy's English teacher, and he was already catching a lot of flak from his more outgoing outspoken best friends for dating his English teacher's daughter and seemed pretty embarrassed by the attention and by having to face her in class. I should have felt special that he put up with all the good natured ribbing on my behalf, especially given my own mother's special brand of humor he probably endured in her room. So instead of taking me home a few minutes late, he took what might have been the biggest gamble of his life to date by knowingly making me later than I'd ever been so he could go to his house and get HIS mom to fix everything. He ran in his house and begged her to call my mother and "do something!" This was the first time I met her and he assured me she was totally cool. She was extremely cool, calm, and collected. She had a short, pleasant conversation with my mom on the phone, was extremely nice to me, and I went home unscathed and totally not grounded (!!!) even though I was very late by my parents' strict standards. Even my hard to please dad loved the guy that walked in the garage and leaned under the hood of his drag racing car to discuss the mechanics. I knew his mom had something pretty special the way she had both of us coasting through my house and Mike standing around chatting with my dad as if it were tea time! She was definitely cool in my book. I met her a few more times through Mike at his house and at dinner after his graduation. Enjoy the accompanying picture with the white dress, patterned *ahem* white hose, and red heels slightly peeking out that I wore to Mike's graduation in 1986. Little did any of us know at the time how much life would soon change.

A few months later my mother died due to complications of a bone marrow transplant and then unexpectedly three weeks later Mike died abruptly, unfairly, and with a sudden loss there's just no words to express at the hands of a drunk driver. I wouldn't have blamed them if their grief had taken them miles away from me as I was deep in my own, but instead they pulled me into the fold as tightly as they could and decided we were going to get through our grief together, and thank God for that. Their youngest son, Corey, who looked and sounded so much like his oldest brother that I didn't know whether to laugh or cry the first time I met him was just as welcoming. They didn't just welcome me that year, they also welcomed an exchange student from Mexico for a year. This picture is all of us nearly 19 years later at my wedding in Texas including Gustavo, the exchange student, who like me is just one of the clan now.

My second mom has been there from the time at Mike's funeral when she pulled me aside and quietly but definitely asked me to ride in the family car with them to the following year when they literally built an extra bedroom on to their house for me (yes, really) to the following year when she "kicked me out" (again...really) and straight into the dorm room at the local university where I was registered for the classes that she "made" me enroll, to my senior year after my father passed away and I was struggling when they brought me back home until I graduated. Oh yes, once again I was living under their roof so there was absolutely no choice but to lock up that degree that year as promised and that I did. Both she and Pops are highly educated and super hardworking people who had very high expectations of their chosen adopted one. She was there with Pops standing tall... all almost 5 feet tall of her... at my graduation. I think that might have been one of her more vocally rowdier moments in life when I graduated with that degree. Normally she gets everything across without raising her voice and one knows she means business just by a look, but every know and then she'll let out a whoop, and that was a whoop kind of moment.

My second mom is a nurse who has done just about everything there is to do in her field. Now she's my free nurse hot line. I'm sure she wasn't expecting all the years she worked tediously on her masters degree while working full time nursing to become the grandma hot line, but I know for a fact I'm not the only one dialing that number! (You know who you are! :)

She also has gotten to know my family very well over the years including my dad, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, and my brother's family. There is really no one I'm related to that's important to me that she hasn't made a point of getting to know well. My grandmother especially thought of their family as our family and many Sunday family meals the family lines blurred as our families became one big family. I still treasure those after church Sunday lunches. (The first picture is of us washing dishes long ago after one of those Sunday dinners at Granny's house.) After my grandmother passed away, I was devastated. I didn't want to go back to Tennessee for Christmas. I didn't want to stay in Texas either. At the time I was also still fairly newly single after a broken engagement from the previous year, and I just felt at loss to make a decision how to spend the holidays. One day my second mom called me out of the blue and said to pack a bag. We were going to New York City for the holidays. Ha! New York City! Yes, I felt very loved, and I'd never been colder in my life! I was really blessed.

A few years later she came to Texas with Pops to do some wedding planning with me and take in the Houston Rodeo with my fiance, stepdaughter to be, and me. She was my mom at my wedding in so many ways from start to finish, especially behind the scenes.

She flew in two years later while I was in labor with my son and kept trying to calm me when eight hours of hard, active labor just wasn't producing my eleven day late little (too big) boy and convinced me that I had done all I could on my own. It had been 24 hours since my water broke, and I don't think I would have quit trying if she hadn't been there to tell me I hadn't done anything wrong and there was nothing more I could do. I was exhausted and could barely stay awake through surgery so it was the right call, and she hung in there all night with me not leaving until close to 6am. I'm pretty sure that was a mom thing right there. She sent my husband home one night from the hospital and stayed in my room and held my baby that wouldn't stop crying at. all. Well, at least until SHE held him. :) For his first birthday the next year of course she and Pops packed up and flew to Texas from Tennessee for his birthday party.

For my son's second Christmas we went to Tennessee with my stepdaughter, who would also be turning ten while we were there, and Mimi had invited our exchange student and his family from Mexico. Yes, after all those years we were still in touch, had attended his wedding in Mexico, and likewise he'd gone to Tennessee for their son's wedding, and he'd been a groomsman for mine in Texas, and they consider him a son, a part of their extended family that knows no end. Along with their youngest son's large family we all went to the Smokey Mountains for a few days to stay in one big cabin because my second mom was going to finally have us all together for Christmas and so that's exactly what she did! It was crazy, chaotic, and celebrating my stepdaughter's tenth birthday in the Tennessee mountains with my family was just amazing.

Over the years my second mom has been the real deal. She inherited me as a teenager. She got some parts of me my own mother missed, especially since those last few years I was hanging on to my mother and not going through some of the usual teen stages as I was willing her to live by sparing her (or trying to) my teen grief. Really didn't quite work although I did my best to hide my blossoming "teenage-ness", but we had a closer bond during those last two years together than we would have otherwise. I saved a lot of that drama for after she was gone, and my second mom got the best of all of that. Wasn't she lucky? All the grief, the rebellion, the heartbreak, the tears, the late nights, and still she stuck it out with me. I'm sure she saved my life more than once over the years in more ways than one. There are times I don't want to tell her things because she knows how to dish out the tough love (still does), but the silly thing is she's *almost* always right.... just don't tell her I said that. I've got an image to maintain. :) Without a doubt, I know as I've grown up I've driven her batty on many occasions and maybe even made her proud on a few, but I don't think she would have stuck with me through it all if she didn't love me unconditionally. Biological or not, I guess that is what makes her the real mom deal, isn't it?

During those early years when I first knew her, I competed in several deaf pageants. The first pageant I ever competed in was Miss Deaf Chattanooga in 1989, and the onstage interview question was something like... Outside your family who has influenced your life the most and why? It was such an easy, easy question. I told the audience about Dan and Kathy Jacobson. They were my heroes then and still are. I'm not sure I could answer it quite the same way today because they ARE my family now.

Happy Mother's Day, Kathy! Thank you for being you and letting me be me.

I love you!

Michelle

One Year and Counting

2010-04-01T00:42:00.004-05:00

It has been one year since my initial activation. I find it overwhelming to think where I was a year ago. I was absolutely MISERABLE when this sucker was turned on. I think I was miserable with a pounding headache for about a week at least. I remember wondering if this thingamajig was really going to work for me and supersede my trusty old analog hearing aid and being a little afraid of the residual hearing I'd lost if it didn't work out. I was also foolishly thinking before activation I was going to go home and get *something* out of my first night of watching American Idol other than screeching bells and whistles going off in my head. Yes, it has been one glorious year!

One year later I can say that hearing aid really is crap! :-P I just got a brand new digital aid.... top of the line expensive doo-dad that is supposed to be the hearing aid equivalent to a cochlear implant for my unimplanted left ear.... and unfortunately, it's absolutely craptacular in comparison to the sounds I hear from my implanted ear. I thought a hearing aid would give me a little more support, but I have found that I can easily take it off without missing it too much. Since I just got it, I'm not writing it off yet. I have another session with my audiologist coming up for a tune up, but seriously, I'm deaf. That poor hearing aid doesn't have much to work with so I can hardly blame it. On the other hand (or should that be "on the other ear"?) my right ear keeps discovering new sounds that continue to amaze me. I've leveled out quite a bit, but occasionally there is something new that leaves me in awe that I heard. I think the latest bit of cool quirky hearing involves listening to a DJ on the local supercheese mellow pop radio station talk to the people that call in with song requests. I have to concentrate a bit (not too difficult though) to follow, but I get a kick out of her callers calling in with sob stories and seriously cheesy song requests while she does her best to sound like a radio Oprah giving advice prior to doling out the songs. Just the other day she ended up telling a caller that her boyfriend didn't deserve a song because of the way he treated the girl and convinced her to play a song for another guy friend instead. Like I said... cheesy stuff!

My favorite thing to hear in the last year is, hands down, my two year old's witty banter. Before I had the implant I worried how much conversation I would miss with him in the first years. Now I can drive down the road and hold conversations with him sitting in the back. I do peek at him in the rear view mirror because my hearing isn't to the point that we can hold lengthy conversations without any visual contact, especially over the sounds of a running car, but I follow him easily, so I'll take it! We talk about everything from airplanes to what he ate for lunch and where our cats are and where we are going next or what we'll do this weekend. He often pauses, looks at me carefully and asks, "Did you hear THAT?" Ha! How many times I must say that to him, I know. We talk about the birds singing and planes flying. This past week we talked about the huge full moon as we drove home from grocery shopping at Walmart, and he declared that the moon was following him home. I've been privy to some really cute thoughts he has, and he is so entertaining! I have also had many exasperated conversations in the last year regarding his battery operated Thomas and Percy trains that he sends under furniture only to get stuck running in place against the wall making annoying clicking sounds. It's amazing! I must admit though that his temper tantrums in high def are no fun, and sometimes I turn him off when he's pitching a fit loudly in high decibels. He'll learn. Mommy has secret super powers and does not HAVE to listen. It's optional. :-D I also love knowing when I'm across the house if he's sleeping or not during his nap without having to open the door. I can hear his lullaby music easily, and I know if he's having conversations or Monster Truck Jam re-enactments with his Grave Digger pillow. I can hear him summon me after almost every nap with hysterics as if I've left him in his crib to run away to the beach without him. Pre-cochlear implant my problem was that I thought I would hear him when he was actually nearly asleep and not making a peep. So of course when I'd go in his room he'd perk up and I would wake my little almost sleeping giant while silently cursing myself for listening to the voices in my head since they weren't real. :-P

I also enjoy having much easier conversations with my extremely shy preteen stepdaughter without constantly asking her to speak up. We are both much less frustrated when we communicate and it's made life much more mellow when we spend time together. I love being able to talk to her without having to strain just to understand a single sentence. When we are together now conversation flows more easily, and I'm sure she's much more relaxed when talking to me just as I am more relaxed kicking back with her and talking about all the little things in life.

I recently had a doctor's appointment and showed up to find an interpreter I didn't request waiting for me. Bless her heart and bless the heart of the staff member that requested her for me. Rarely will someone take the initiative to call an interpreter for a patient without being reminded, so I felt special and hoped I didn't discourage that staff member from going the extra mile for someone else in the future. I also felt bad when I told the interpreter I honestly didn't need her. It was Friday, and thankfully she was just happy to go home early anyway. The crazy thing is when I first was activated 12 months ago I HAD to have an interpreter there with me. I also had an interpreter in my real estate class that only lasted a few classes before I just couldn't stand it. Watching her while I was listening to my professor totally confused me. I was all too aware of the time delay of what she was signing. It was overwhelming to watch a conversation two sentences behind what is being said verbally. If the speaker was signing, that would be so different since I could follow the conversation and signing simultaneously. I still miss out things being said in group settings or in church but I am getting somewhat better at following those conversations enough to get the gist of what's being said.

This last year has been really great for so many reasons. I love listening to the birds. It NEVER gets old going outside and hearing them calling to each other. I can tell when different birds sing. I love the variety of music in my backyard. I may get used to some things but I will always fully appreciate the birds I can hear now because it has been many many years since I've heard one at all, and I've never heard them as crisply asI hear them now. I am looking forward to the grasshoppers return this spring as well!

Sometimes I'm so fixated on wanting to perfect my cochlear implant through mappings and practice so that I can hear the words to songs or understand on the phone a little better that I forget how far I've come. When I got my new hearing aid after not wearing an aid for a couple of months, it really hit me as to what the difference is between before and after. It's stunning. My confidence has gone up more in the last year. I used to rely on my video phone, but I challenge myself to make calls to people I'm not used to hearing without an interpreter. I have my first cell phone which is far from perfect, but it's still delightfully strange to be able to call my husband from the store and ask if he needs something or call my friends to just say hi.

I feel so blessed to be able to rely on myself a bit more in the hearing world. When I was a deaf education teacher, I didn't need to be able to hear that well because I had interpreters available all day long and I had no problems communicating with my students in sign language. Now that I'm not teaching and am pursuing a career in real estate that demands being able to communicate with people that don't sign or trying to follow the unpredictable speech of a two year old, it is liberating to have this option in my life now. However, I must say at the end of the day when all is said and done, it's equally liberating to tune out the noisy world and relax. There's just nothing like it! What a fabulous year it has been!

Breaking Up is So Hard to Do.....

2009-12-18T02:20:00.006-06:00

I'm tired of him.... really I don't care if we ever meet again... My life would be less complicated if I didn't have to hear his voice like... umm... ever! ...Yet... something tells me that he'll be back challenging me and taunting me... exhausting me and infuriating me.... I'm. so. over. that. dude. Seriously. He can go away, and I'll never look back.

...and thus begins the next installment of the Twitchy Face Chronicles...

Mapping #10 with all electrodes turned on and firing this time was really short and sweet. I met with my sub audiologist since Michelle is still on maternity leave, and as she tested my tolerance for sound with each one, the twitching started. I decided to not say anything at first because I wanted those electrodes firing on all cylinders, but once I felt my nose doing the Tabitha twitch I felt obligated to mention it. (If you really don't know who Tabitha is just google "Bewitched" instead of making me feel really ancient by asking me who she is. :) At another point she noticed my eye twitching when I didn't really feel it much. Pretty.

I was tired. The pipsqueak was awake at 4:30 a.m. demanding snacks and books. (Growth spurts that only require food and little sleep seem to be a weekly thing lately.) Bless his heart... it was a long night for his mother... and I totally did not feel very perky or chatty or like I wanted to get overly involved with the mapping process like I usually do.

Once we found something that seemed okay... no real twitching... I was sent to play in traffic..(a.k.a. going to the parking lot to see if everything "sounds okay.") The elevator dings were especially clear and sharp as the doors opened on the ride down. Those high pitched sounds still amaze me that I can actually hear them. No matter how loud I would turn up something before, I could never hear anything in that range because I just don't have any hearing in those frequencies. When I amplify sound with a hearing aid, it only amplifies the lower frequencies, so the one thing that I don't think will ever feel normal is hearing an especially crisp ding. It is really silly how awesome it is. In the mapping when we got to each isolated higher pitched sound that we tested my tolerance for I just wanted to sit there and play with them and make them louder and louder. We had to keep moving, but maybe when Michelle gets back I'll have to ask her to play with those sounds. I can just imagine her face dropping now because she'll be so afraid my head will explode.

When I went back upstairs my audiologist asked me to pop in the booth for a quick test, and she really just wanted to see how my relationship with "him" was. Oh yes... the guy from my recent post who likes to say, "ready..." and then some random one syllable word in rapid fire progression for what seems like forever, but is really just a few minutes or maybe just two or three minutes at that. I especially disliked hearing his voice this go-round, and she put in a tape with different words than I'd been tested with before... or at least that's what I understood she was doing, not that it should make all that much difference. I was conflicted several times about what he said and would still be thinking about it while he was saying "ready" and moving on to the next word, and I just hate to miss a word. A couple of times, I'd change my answer forcing the audiologist to stop the tape and scribble madly before restarting the tape. Once she asked me which word I meant, and I figured out from her face the second one I blurted out must be the wrong one, and of course that's the one I told her I meant... *sigh* Gnashing of teeth and hand-wringing aside, I managed to finish the test but on the last word I couldn't even come up with an answer... not a fake word or guess... nada. Just silence as I sat there staring at nothing. Pathetic.

The audiologist then told me my scores were 58%...down from 78% the last time Michelle tested me on that same test two mappings ago. I told her the guy made me anxious, but she was having none of that because she doesn't think anxiety would have anything to do with that much of a drop. Maybe so. She seemed almost unhappy with me for the fact that several of my electrodes were out of compliance because of what I told her I could tolerate when we did my mapping. She thinks perhaps my CI is too loud to the point of distortion, but honestly, it doesn't seem too loud to me during the day when I'm wearing it. As another blogger puts it... I'm a power junkie... I just like it loud! I do know that from what I saw her do on the computer I'm barely, barely, barely out of compliance at some points, but I can work with what I've got right now with little complaint because my day to day life with it is much more comfortable and easy-going than it was nine months ago when I was adjusting to all the noise and commotion that made very little sense. My hearing is never going to be perfect, but what I was able to do with hearing aids have been tremendously enhanced with the CI so even when I don't seem to be hearing or comprehending as well as I did 3 months ago, it's still nothing to sneeze at... that's for sure!

However, that said... I just don't like that man. He's such a trouble maker. My understanding is we'll be meeting again in two months before my mapping this time so a comparison can be done of my hearing before and after the next mapping. Smart, but I'm assuming I have to hear him smirking just slightly "out of compliance" twice that day. Lovely. She also did a quick hearing test that showed that I was hearing at 20 dB pretty much straight across... which is weird since I've been testing consistently at 15 dB, but even she said that was not a lot of hearing and the drop wasn't a big deal... comprehension is really her only concern.

On the plus side, my surgeon, Dr. McReynolds, was in the building visiting a new patient being activated, and he gave me a hug. It was so great to see him. Last time I saw him he would talk a little loud just especially for me, which never failed to make me smile a bit. Sometimes people can be over the top with the extra loudness and over enunciating, but there are two kinds of people that do this... one does this in a manner as if they are talking to an *insert eyeroll* extra special population they know nothing about (ever seen a parody on television of someone yelling at a blind person???) and then there's those that are so kind and mean so well and you just want to hug them for making sure you know what's going on. My doctor is the latter of course.

This time he talked in a soft spoken voice as if he were speaking to my husband and not me. I almost looked around the room to make sure he was talking to me, but I checked myself! :) He asked how I was doing, and I was happy to tell him that I've had some success with the cell phone, am enjoying real estate classes, and how my audiogram scores had been 15-20 dB for a while and he looked a little choked up. It must never get old. This man has done literally hundreds of cochlear implant surgeries since the 1980's, and yet he still gets emotional. Such a nice man. Wish I could say the same about the other one.

Until next year, dear readers... Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
xoxo~Michelle

Mapping #9... Twitchy Face

2009-11-23T14:28:00.005-06:00

A few weeks ago I had my ninth mapping. My audiologist is on maternity leave so I had the pleasure of meeting one of the audiologist legends at the HEAR Foundation whose name I've heard for years. Mary Lynn had a completely different style from Michelle from personality to technique. I still really miss Michelle though, and I can't wait to work with her again when she's back in January.

Mary Lynn got right to the point and had me listen to a lot of different sounds that I could see on the computer. She said they were like keys on the piano, and I told her what was comfortable and what was tolerable and what was barely discernible until she had a program mapped out.... just like that! She flipped it on, and I was dazzled. I could clearly make out the little nuances in Mary Lynn's voice. I told her the sound of this mapping was the most fabulous yet from what I could tell! It seemed so crystal clear and on the money, but then something funny happened. Yeah... my eye twitched. In fact the right side of my face twitched with each sharp, crisp syllable that Mary Lynn spoke. The lower rim of my eye was vibrating like a chain saw. Real attractive, mate, eh?

Reluctantly I told her that I was twitching. Very reluctantly. Blah. I offered to "live with it", but she was having none of that nonsense. Before I left I had three electrodes turned off in order to quell the twitch. She said the other electrodes would kick in. *sigh* She sent me down to the parking lot to listen to the traffic on the freeway to see if I could tolerate my new program. I could. Easily. Instead of playing in traffic, I went to give her the good news. (...totally kidding about that traffic thing... :)

I left my appointment and talked to my friend, Melissa, on the phone for a while to road test the new program. It wasn't pretty. I found myself faking more of the conversation or talking more than listening... an old habit to squeak by. My car produced a lot of static feedback with the telecoil on making it even harder to hear. By the time I parked the car and turned it off though, I was able to follow more of what she was saying, but since then I've gone back to using my videophone for some of my more important calls, but I still call up all the besties (except Dannette who gets to see my mug on the videophone) to give them my love and use them for auditory practice. They have all been patient with me so far when I know it can be a little tedious talking to me lately.

The game plan is to turn the electrodes back on at the next mapping and see if my face can adjust to all the excitement. It's kind of funny that on one hand, there's really no new breakthroughs for me since that mapping, and I feel like I'm struggling more now (just a little...) ....but.... oh the sheer massive power of that thing when it hasn't been on in a while!!! I had a splitting headache over the weekend and just couldn't tolerate the sound of the CI. I wore my HA in my other ear and just relaxed in the familiar lull, but it was so frustrating to realize I could understand hardly a word my son said this weekend until I finally put on my CI yesterday. (It also made me realize that I hadn't been putting in as much time signing with my son lately, because he only signs when I prompt him to, not when he wants to say something.... sure came back to bite me when I needed it!) Putting it back on though... whew.... so much power I thought it was going to blow me out the window. Even the silence will come blasting in, especially after a long break without wearing it. Loud silence is probably the hardest thing to explain to both(non-CI wearing)deaf and hearing people because it seems like such an oxymoron... How can there be such a thing?

Anyway, stay tuned for Twitchy Face Chronicles (a.k.a. Mapping #10) in the near future.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone! :-)

What's Next for Nashville? You Can Help! (an update on that bridge that hears, tap dances and sings...)

2009-11-17T14:48:00.015-06:00

This is an update to my last post regarding the recent name change of League of the Deaf and Hard of Hearing who merged with the EAR Foundation in Nashville, Tennessee to the lovely (please continue noting slight sarcasm) Hearing Bridges. I have more details this time around. There were 15 members voting on the name, while one member, who is hearing was absent for the vote. Just for the record there is only one person on this entire board who is deaf, Nancy Yater, and while she may feel out numbered, she isn't going anywhere! Her plan is to have an advocate committee of deaf and hard of hearing to bring their concerns to the board. (*ahem* One small concern comes to mind at the moment... but moving on....) There is also one hard of hearing member and one CODA (child of deaf adult). Just to clarify, 13 members who voted are hearing, one is hard of hearing, and one is deaf.

The decision to change the name from League of the Deaf and Hard of Hearing after 80 years due to the merge with the EAR Foundation was approved by a vote of 11-4 (with one member absent and not voting) in favor of Hearing Bridges as the new name. Nancy Yater, the lone deaf member of the board, and 3 others on this board were the only ones to dissent.

What’s really astounding to me is that, neither the CODA member nor the hard of hearing member voting, dissented. I think I’m more disappointed that a CODA was a consenting vote, because personally speaking most CODAs I’ve known have a special bond, not only with their parents, but with the deaf community as well.

On the other hand, I probably should not expect most hard of hearing people who have had no or very little connection with the deaf community to fully understand the dynamics behind this name, and to that particular group it might symbol hope to be more (as usual please note slightly more sarcasm here) “normal” one day, and to those who lost their hearing gradually or later in life, it really should be understandable to want to attain what they consider a normal hearing status quo… BUT that ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is exactly why this name is offensive to a large percentage of the population that this organization serves. To force that facade on all clients who don’t strive to be hearing…. will never be hearing… and live full lives in spite of not hearing...it's kind of like saying you're incomplete without hearing. The name doesn't exude an aura of support for those receiving services but instead gives a subtle (like...oh you know... a ton of bricks type subtle) air of superiority.

Look at it this way, it’s quite patronizing to name a place many profoundly deaf people go to for services HEARING Bridges. Seriously, would you send a man in a wheelchair to Walking Bridges? Or a blind woman to Seeing Bridges? Or how about that brunette girl to Blonde Bridges (okay that might happen..) ....but what about your dog to Cat Bridges? Seriously... no matter what that little mutt thinks...or what you want....he's just not ever going to be a cat! ....or how about we take a detour from Grandma's wild and crazy Bunco night and expect her to go be-bopping at Teen Bridges because if she tries hard enough she can be 16 again, right? Trust me, Grandma doesn't need to be 16 to have a good time, and I'm sure she'd find it maybe a little patronizing if you thought she needed to be in order to have a fabulous life. *SIGH* Not only is the name Hearing Bridges patronizing, thoughtless, and demeaning to the deaf community… it’s an OXYMORON. It just doesn’t have any rhyme or reason for the majority of the clients serviced by that agency.

My old friend from way back when, Kim Dance, is now the president of Tennessee Association of the Deaf, and she sent me a copy of an email that the board chair, Ron McCoy, has been sending out to various members of the deaf community in regards to this sticky situation. I have permission from Kim to share it here and all I’m doing is copying and pasting as is. If you are anywhere near Nashville the day of this meeting please go give this group some moral support and spread the word. The address for the meeting is 415 Fourth Avenue South, Nashville, TN 37201. You can also join the group “People opposing the new name HEARING BRIDGES instead of LDHH” on Facebook by simply clicking on the title of this post . Numbers speak volumes. Personally, I hope the board opens their eyes and invites the deaf to join them... no....make that encourages them and welcomes them with open arms, willing spirits, and GENUINE smiles on their faces.... who better to learn about the deaf community than from say... the deaf community perhaps? Just a parting thought.... and now for the email from Mr. McCoy...

From: McCoy, Ron R

Sent: Monday, November 16, 2009 2:49 PM
Subject: IMPORTANT - Town Hall Meeting - Thursday December 3rd at 7:00pm at Hearing Bridges

Hello all:
Hearing Bridges formerly known as the League for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing and the EAR Foundation will be hosting a town hall meeting with the community on Thursday December 3rd at 7:00pm at Hearing Bridges.

The Board of Hearing Bridges will be the host of the meeting.

It has been brought to this Board's attention that many of you would like an opportunity to communicate with the Board directly regarding the name change, and the Board would like to collect more information. Please understand that there will not be a direct resolution that will come from the meeting that evening, and it will allow the Board the opportunity to listen to your responses both in support and against the name change.

There will be some simple ground rules for the meeting to facilitate o! rder:
1) Each person present will be given 3 minutes with a 1 minute warning to air their grievances, ask questions, or present to the board their opinions.
2) There will a platform for each person to present. In courtesy of each presenter we ask that all other persons remain seated.
3) The Board would like the opportunity to ask questions of each person that speaks in order to collect more information with a 2 minute time limit.
4) The process of recognizing each person will be announced that evening, and it will be fair and orderly. The goal is to give everyone the opportunity to speak.
5) Please no personal attacks and/or slanderous remarks and profanity.
6) This meeting will begin promptly at 7:00pm and end promptly at 9:00pm.

There will be interpreters present at this meeting.

We would love to have each and every one of you come to this meeting, so please do. This meeting will mean nothing without YOUR direct involvement. Pleas! e come, regardless of your stance it will be a great opportunity for the community and the Board to get to know each other.
Thanks,
Ron McCoy
Board Chair

Seriously Board Members.... HEARING Bridges?

2009-11-14T11:39:00.005-06:00

Tennessee is my home state. I'll always feel grateful for the opportunity given to me to represent my home at the Miss Deaf America Pageant years ago when I was still so new to the Deaf community. I was completely accepted and treated with respect. I received so much help during that time, whether to carry out my state duties or to prepare for pageants. They didn't care what kind of school I went to or what my first language was, but they were very patient with me and helped me learn to communicate in my new world. All they wanted to do was welcome me to a group they said I belonged to as well, and although I felt different at times as I was still learning the language and the culture, I never felt out of place.

Even though I've since moved to Texas I've never forgotten the kindness I received during those years or the friendships I made. That's why I was so disappointed for the people of Nashville and Tennessee when a situation came to light this past week that seemed to strip them of any dignity or pride they might have in an organization they'd come to rely on and believe in over the years.

The League for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing (LDHH) a non-profit in Nashville recently merged with the EAR Foundation in Nashville. I honestly do not have all the details myself yet, but I am doing my best to find out along with the rest of the deaf community in Tennessee. However, since the two merged LDHH and EAR Foundation has now been renamed by the board as HEARING BRIDGES. Tsk. Not Deaf Bridges... Not even Deaf & Hearing Bridges... Just HEARING Bridges. Personally, I'm stunned. Someone dropped the ball. What did they think? This was catchy? No one would miss the word "Deaf"? What a slap in the face to those this organization has spent decades serving.... and to add insult to injury this name was revealed with great show at an event in front of many deaf and family members who waited expectantly after having read this exciting tidbit on the LDHH blog... "Since our merger with the EAR Foundation last September, the board of directors decided to change the agency’s name to reflect more accurately the folks we serve and the programs we offer." (See for yourself at http://hearingbridges.org/blog/ ) This is an organization that claims to bridge the deaf, hard of hearing, and hearing communities by mostly providing services to the deaf, and this is the name the board felt BEST described the wonderful work done there? Ugh. This is like taking a Martha Stewart cake out of the oven and letting Oscar the Grouch pick out icing from the bottom of his trash can to top it off. Lovely.

I hope the deaf community in Tennessee is heard loud and clear and with eyes wide open by this wonderful organization of EIGHTY years. I hope the media responds to their requests to be heard and seen and understands why this name is so demeaning and runs with it. I also hope everyone remembers this was a decision made by the board members and not the staff, and that is where grievances should be placed. People on Facebook can show their support or participate in discussions by joining the group "People opposing the new name HEARING BRIDGES instead of LDHH".

That thing I want to do when I grow up......

2009-10-04T23:03:00.004-05:00

Wow, the summer months have just whirled and twirled by leaving me in a cloud of dust facing fall wondering where all the time went. To back up a little, back in June my husband had just come home from the hospital, and we were trying to decide how we were going to get up on our feet again. Owning a construction company doesn't allow for too many sick days, much less a complete halt to business for weeks at a time, but that's exactly what happened to us not just once but twice this summer when James became extremely ill. It certainly did make us examine our priorities more closely and lit a fire under me to "do something".

I had been playing with different ideas of contributing more directly to our family business than just behind the scenes on the clerical and advertising side, and one day I made a definite decision. James came home, and I told him I had enrolled that day for six hours of classes starting in July for online real estate classes at the local community college, and in a short six week session I not only knocked those first six hours out, I added three more hours at the same time on campus! That was just the beginning of a crazy load I've been carrying since then, and for once in my life I love the classes enough to not care that I'll do as much in six weeks now as I used to do in four months the first time around in college. Ah, youth.

A few of the classes I've had so far are real estate law, contracts, agency, and marketing. Next week I'm going to the courthouse with my co-op class to watch foreclosure auctions. Later this month I'm going with my co-op class to a real estate expo that I'm really looking forward to attending.... and to think the last time I was attending an expo at the same place with maybe a *little* more excitement was for the Bridal Extravaganza in 2005. My professor is really cool and has invited James to come along for field trips and to visit the co-op class anytime, and he came with me to class last week. He's going on both field trips which will be a great chance for him to network himself with Realtors.

Getting into real estate has been an idea forming for several years. We've met and worked with many Realtors through my husband's business, and James has occasionally mentioned I should consider it myself. I've always held back though because frankly the field intimidated me for several reasons, and my deafness was right smack dab at the top of the list. It was one of those careers I put nearly up there auditory-wise with singing on American Idol, flying a commercial aircraft, or waiting tables at Hooters (intimidating for more reasons than nerve damage!) Houston is quite a diverse city. I do well enough to read lips in person of accents I'm not familiar with, but to imagine taking calls from anyone I didn't know terrified me. Impossible. Ummm. No. Just no. Am I okay with it now? It's a work in progress, but it's not a firm no anymore... it's not a hopping up and down enthusiastic yes either. It's one of those things that is just tricky right now. I don't have all the answers yet, but I know there will be answers, and that somehow this is all do-able.

So there we were in June pondering what we were going to be when we grew up, or at least I was. I thought about going back to school for a masters in counseling, but in the back of my mind was this dream of selling houses or finding houses for a happy buyer, and there was the thought that maybe with my improving auditory skills I might be able to do this... maybe. I just could not let the thought go for anything. Yes, as people like to remind me, this housing market is lousy at the moment, but it's a great market for investors...and the market is not going to be bad forever. By the time the market bounces back, all the new kids will be jumping on the bandwagon and signing up for real estate classes. I'd rather learn the business now when times are tough and be ahead of the game by the time the new competition comes along.

Something else that all these classes have helped me realize is that Houston is just enormous with so many possible angles of real estate to explore in the future, and I don't have to decide right now. I'm just happy that I have these ideas to mull over. Just last week in class we talked more in depth about real estate mediation, and I must admit that grabbed my attention for down the road... maybe a way I can tie in counseling and real estate together one day? Who knows? I also have a great teacher that reminds me how much I once loved teaching for the sake of teaching.... She has so much joy. Maybe when I have a few years of experience I might want to teach again? So thinking along those lines I decided to shoot for the associate degree in real estate to be more well-rounded and *hopefully* I will be able to finish the classes for it by this spring, but I'll be taking the state licensing test most likely next month because I will have the required classes for the license done very soon. I also have a great husband who just wants me to get my feet wet the first year and just network for our company through contacts I make in the real estate field. The ideas are endless.

I'm so busy with the ridiculous amount of classes I've piled on myself that I have barely had time to stop and think how I'm going to pull this off or worry about my confidence level. I know I need more tools to succeed in this business. I have a new cell phone (my first!!!), but that particular phone is not strong enough for me to have a detailed conversation with someone I don't know regarding business. I have a lot of research to do to figure out how to use technology to my advantage to make up for some of my weaker areas. Just the idea that I'm doing something now that I've wanted to do for a long time but never thought I'd have the confidence to do is really exhilarating.

I'm grateful that having a cochlear implant has opened the door to this idea, but I know that deep down I probably had the ability to pull it off all along and could have found a way to do it. The cochlear implant makes it easier though to work with the hearing public. Of course, I especially hope I can work with the deaf community. From my research there doesn't seem to be any other deaf real estate agents in Houston. I'm also grateful that I grew up watching my aunt, Pam, work her way to the top in Chattanooga as a top Realtor. She is a great role model. I remember years ago when she just started taking classes and now when I drive home I see her on billboards! She's really awesome and a great inspiration!

So... stay tuned... more to come soon. :)

Mapping #8---A Great Visit!

2009-09-11T01:43:00.004-05:00

What a whirlwind the last few weeks have been! I can't believe my last post was my last mapping, and here I am with my newest results of my eighth mapping from last week. Short and sweet.... my impedence test came back normal so that means the internal equipment is given the all clear and doing its job! *WHEW!* I'm so excited about the test scores.... 96% on the sentence test (same as last month, and I only missed two words :) and 78% on the words (HINT) test... up from 64% from the month before!

My husband had another round at the hospital this past month with a case of pancreatis and a staph infection that evidently didn't clear up that he got while he was in the hospital in May from an IV! He is slowly building his strength back and getting back to work. Thank God for his health. Things could have turned out much differently if we didn't get the diagnosis(es) and treatment when we did.

Needless to say between my two guys, I've been on the run lately without a lot of time to blog. Stay tuned though.... I'll be back very soon with a real update on my life (not just stats and numbers on hearing beeps and words ;) and a real decision on what I'm going to be when I grow up. I'm so excited about what's in the works!

Mapping #7---Waiter, there's a fly in my ear.....buzzzzzzzz.....

2009-07-23T22:44:00.008-05:00

To preface this post.... yes, it is about a mapping. Yes, it's my seventh. Yes, I realize some people *ahem* in the blogosphere world are overinundated with the newbies to the mapping experience blogging on every last single technical detail. Please feel free to note that not all of my posts are related to my cochlear implant experience and include quite a bit of my exciting life as a mom to a two year old. Oh yes, even from here I feel the deaf peeps out there dropping like flies from the sheer boredom of.... oh.... another mapping? and oh... mommy to a two year old? *smile* This is simply my record of my journey with a cochlear implant and the mappings are important benchmarks in this experience, although they may not read as the most exciting blog posts.

There really aren't too many of us that grew up with a severe to profound loss that are blogging on the experience of receiving a cochlear implant as an adult. From casual observation, most adults with implants seem to be the ones that are deafened later in life. I'm surely not the success story on the take home box of Nucleus Freedom accessories or the DVD passed out before surgery. No one is asking me to talk to new "recruits" and share my heartwarming experience. I didn't go to my first mapping and cry tears of joy. No, I cried tears of absolute horrid misery. For what it's worth, I do have video of my first mapping that I'll likely never share publicly, and I'm absolutely snarling in it (plus the one year old in the background climbing furniture is absolutely priceless.) :-P So, in the spirit of my journal, I'm recording ANOTHER. FLIPPING. MAPPING. SESSION!!!! ....and if someone else wants to think about doing this and reads my blog, they'll get as always... the good... the bad... and the ugly from my point of view. So... that said... on with the show.

Today's mapping was actually an emergency session for me... not necessarily of the most dire kind, but I was fairly frustrated. I've been experiencing so much static popping and background noise that it was really disrupting my listening pleasure. To compound matters, while I could still hear fairly well with the CI, I wasn't having any new break-throughs and sound clarity, especially with voices, was regressing. I started asking my husband, James to repeat things several times or opted out of conversations with him because it seemed like too much energy to comprehend. Talking to him on the phone has been short and quick because his words started sounding slightly muffled. I could almost catch what he was saying, but I missed more than I was getting, and that wasn't without serious concentration on my part. My video phone needs to be re-routed with someone from the company and is down, so I haven't even had that as a back up lately.

My audiologist fit me in on a day's notice by seeing me yesterday morning (and not for lack of not having too much on her plate already... She's just cool like that... but I've established that already in previous "ode to the cool audiologist" posts. :-) None of the maps were working that we were trying out, so she went ahead with both tests to check the electrodes (listening to the beeps and the neural test... and if someone wants to give me the official name to each to refer to once and for all, I'd appreciate it.) The gist of it was my old map was out of compliance and causing distortion, but something about my electrodes has changed slightly and is now being "monitored". My audiologist consulted with another audiologist, and she assured me that my electrode test was within normal range, but yet... big yet.... it was different enough to need to be tested again in 3 weeks to make sure all is well. *IF* there is a problem it's with the internal equipment... yep... I said I would share the good, bad, and ugly, didn't I? I'm being monitored to make sure the equipment locked and loaded and sealed inside my head is functioning fine. Nucleus has great reliability, and my testing isn't cause for alarm, but it's never fun to have to wait and make sure everything is actually okay.

Meanwhile, my audiologist finally gave me a mapping that clicked and made me go "ahhhhhhhh". Two hours after I arrived we were just starting to get somewhere. I felt so bad for her because she is a perfectionist, and I knew my situation being tossed at her yesterday was a handful and not fun. She said she gave me a map that most people would hate. She says it's pretty unique. It's in compliance with my electrodes so that distortion shouldn't be a problem like it was when I arrived. She basically said she did it by changing the parameters and beyond that I have no idea what she did... just that it worked at the time.

She wanted to do some tests before I left. I sat in the booth and could swear there was electrical buzzing. She came in there and listened and said there was something so I assumed it wasn't static. So much for soundproof booths, right? She actually told me that's a falsehood anyway and that these were just more sound resistant, not sound proof, not something my little deaf self ever noticed. The test scores were ridiculously great. In June I had 79% on my sentence test (HINT test). Today? 96%! Sur-stinkin'-real! :)

Right when I thought the guy on the recording and I had a blossoming relationship, he trampled it with his horrible one word test. This is the first time I've had this test post-CI, and I was blown away by how fast the guy went.... He would say "ready...*quick pause*... boat" one second pause "ready *quick pause* make"... Jeeeeeeeeeeez Louise!... I couldn't hear myself think because half the time I was saying what I thought he just said as he was saying "ready" before the next word, which would make me lose my thought, panic, and ...then... rinse and repeat! I could never just relax and catch up with that guy... He definitely was NOT from the south... and that test was LOOOOOOOONG. I do. not. like. that. test. I scored 64%. I liked my other much score better. :-P

For the last test, we did the usual bells and whistles to plot the lines on the audiogram. Seriously... not bad.... 15-20 decibels straight across the board. Last time it was 20-25 decibels... so it was about the same... but a little better. One example of how much my audiogram is changing... at 6000 Hz, I have a 120 db hearing loss (and that is with or without the hearing aid on)... We are talking... deaf as a doorknob... flat out.... not a peep to be heard...completely deaf.... but pop on the CI on it's 15 db. Boggles my mind still. Technology is pretty amazing. Needless to say, my brain hears sound at that level.... it doesn't necessarily mean it's processing information at the level, but it's all uncharted territory for my noggin anyway.

So fast forward to this evening.... and the static is back somewhat, and it is annoying me to a degree. I can still hear well in spite of it, but right now I'm relaxing without it on because I need a break from the buzzing in the air. I had it off earlier when I was getting Aidan ready for bed, and I couldn't understand anything he was saying. I didn't realize just how much I have come to rely on it for understanding my son, and that was extremely frustrating to pretend to go along with what he said just so I could finish getting him ready for bed at the time. I put it back on while we read books because we do like to talk as we read. I am glad that I've started teaching Aidan some basic signs, and this just reinforces my desire to continue that so we don't ever have a reason for not being able to understand each other. The static's not too bad, but I'm concerned of course. Most likely this will work itself out in time. I'm not sure my audiologist is going to be really thrilled to open my email in the morning and read tonight's news, but she did say she will be seeing a company rep this week so she can go over my case with her.

....and that is the bare naked truth.... the good, the bad, the ugly visited yet again....

I Lub You!

2009-07-22T00:33:00.004-05:00

When Aidan was a baby, I thought briefly about teaching baby sign language classes. I should be a natural, right? I am deaf... I am a teacher (okay...currently on a 4 year "break" at the moment from that particular profession but 12 years in combat counts for something)... and I had a beautiful, dimply, sweet, and non-complying little wild bambino. *sigh* It's the non-complying part that killed the deal for me. Bless his heart.

Here I am... Deaf mom extraordinaire with the little wonder child she can hold up to demonstrate to her classes and say... "Look! This is what your baby can do!" Only problem? The child. would. sign. nada. *pulling hair* Worse yet? All the hearing moms I talked to that claimed their two week old could sign the alphabet, even count to 100, AND sign every animal at the zoo. Yes, they were just two week old babies, I'm sure. Yes, these moms were all online so they might have exaggerated a bit. No matter. I couldn't lie. I said... he can sign "up". Yes... he could point up. It's a sign. It counts.

I threw in the towel. I said to myself, when he can talk, I'll start teaching him signs! He'll learn! He may learn at the age when it's not so hip anymore, and the other moms have moved on to compare how colorful their children's SPOKEN language is... and how long their sentences are, but maybe we were meant to march to our own drummer because sentences in this household for the two and under crowd are pretty. darn. short.

So... one of my child's biggest hobbies is raiding the refrigerator. Fortunately his dad and I are getting much better about locking it since the egg episode (don't ask!) He will come to me and point and yell for "cheese, cheese, cheese!" So in the name of food, my child has finally begun to learn a few signs willingly. He can sign "Mommy please", "Daddy please", and "thank you" which are much more pleasant ways of being directed to food. He is a little sponge and tries to copy every sign I teach him. He finds it fun! Yay! This is much easier than trying to demonstrate anything visual to a hyper busy baby that is much too busy looking at anything and anyone but his mother when she is actively standing in front of him squeezing her hand and exclaiming, "baby... look! look at Mommy! Milk! Milk! Can you say milk?" Ah, those were the days!

He loves to sign "dog" and his attempt to sign "duck" is priceless. He will usually just scratch his head behind his ear when he is attempting to sign "cat" but he will verbalize "Sassy" after the cat in Homeward Bound, so I have to give him points in originality. My favorite signs to do with him? "I love you!" Aidan says something along the lines of "I lub you!" which is really cute. I lub him too.

Happy Father's Day, Pops!

2009-06-20T16:41:00.009-05:00

May 2007 - Pops visiting newborn Aidan and big sister, Skylar in Texas.

Happy Father's Day, Pops!

I have a second dad. He's always encouraged me, and sometimes he even nags me just a bit, but he usually does it with a sense of humor. He's always walked the walk when he told me to go to school, buckle down and finish my degree. During the time I've known him he did just that himself and is now a vice president of a large company with enormous responsibilities and the respect of his peers.

I met him when I was sixteen and dating his stepson. My mom was his stepson's English teacher. My mom and his stepson both passed away unexpectedly within three weeks of each other when I was only seventeen. My mom had been sick. His stepson had not, but both losses left me empty.

They adopted me....Pops and his wife....in every way but legally when they could have just easily and understandably turned inwardly to focus on their own grief. My father was extremely grateful for the parenting back up since he was grieving himself and feeling quite lost.

Pops and his wife wanted me to move in with their family and made sure my head was on straight when they kicked me out next year (sending me straight to the dorms and my freshman year of college at the local university.) When senior year rolled around and I was living beyond my means, I moved back in for a year. Of course then I got a job and my first apartment and moved out (but not without a little parental prodding to send me on my way and make sure I was okay.)

Pops and his wife (she's my second mom, but today is about Pops, although I'll definitely tell her story one day) have always been there for the heartaches and the triumphs. When my grandparents died, when my father died.... they were there.... When I was crowned Miss Deaf Tennessee they were cheering loudly, and I'm pretty sure they had their hands in the air along with the rest of the crowd. Graduation day? Their relief and pride were beyond words.

I eventually moved to Texas to "see the world". I became quite independent. A few years later when I told them I was getting married, Pops first question...."Who's giving you away?" They gave me the wedding of my dreams, and Pops did just what he wanted to do for years and years... He gave me away. Of course I've always found my way back home to Pop's house over the years. Now I just take a husband, a stepdaughter, and son with me. The kids call him Poppy, and they adore him too.

Happy Father's Day, Pops!

I love you!

Michelle

Tennessee-Going Home

2009-06-18T10:32:00.008-05:00

My cousin, Abby, got married at Laurelwood on Signal Mountain in Tennessee last Saturday. We parked at a location on top of the mountain and took school buses to the wedding location passing farms, mountain scenery, horses and cows, and just the most beautiful natural Tennessee country God has created on the drive there.

The wedding was held outdoors overlooking a lake and surrounded by trees, and my brother's family was already sitting in the last row waiting for us. My uncle, aunt, and I joined them. I had no idea why Dean, who is totally in denial about how much hearing he is losing from his Air Force days at the shooting range, did not elect to sit a little closer to the front.

The wedding began and I was completely prepared to be lost throughout the ceremony. I have to say I was stunned to understand nearly every single word of the ceremony from where I sat. Seriously. To be fair, I slid the magnet off my head to do the hearing aid alone comparison and found that the acoustics were so excellent that I could have understood a lot of it with some intense concentration from where I sat without using my cochlear implant, but I would have been mentally drained. However, once I slid the magnet back on I didn't struggle. It helped to see the faces of the speakers even though I was quite a distance from them. It helped to see the rate at which they moved their mouths and the expressions on their faces even though I couldn't read their lips. I actually prefer the term "speech reading" to "lip reading" because comprehension has much more to with the whole face than just the lips. I don't even like talking to someone with sunglasses on for that reason. Odd, I know. :)

At the end of the ceremony there was a prayer. I always look at the speaker during prayer, even though I can usually see what's going on around the speaker as well. What usually amuses me is seeing which hearing people are peeping around during prayer because they just can't be still long enough to close their eyes and bow their heads, and of course then they see the deaf person and instantly have the oops...busted "deer in headlights" expression. No judgement from me because God knows I've no room to talk.... just amusement, I promise. So anyway, I closed my eyes since I couldn't even see who was praying, and I darned near fell out of my chair. I easily understood every word of the prayer, except for the first names of the groom's parents who were mentioned. Amazing. I would love to have that sound system with me everywhere I go, and I'd be set for life.

After the ceremony my family and I grabbed a round table outside, and my uncle told stories of days gone by. I was so grateful that I could understand what he was saying because, first of all, he told me I was a really good kid, and that my brother was the punk I remember him to be. My mother, who passed away when I was seventeen, had left a journal stating what a joy my older brother was, and Uncle Moe clarified that Dean had her snowed. Mom also frequently mentioned how intense life was with a hearing impaired child with a flair for drama, so it was nice to hear Dean called on some of his shenanigans since I wasn't as clever as he was at looking angelic. I also very much enjoyed hearing Dean call Uncle Moe's son, Jeff, after this conversation and leave a message apologizing for bullying him as a child. Did I mention my brother is a youth minister now, and I've always been considered the wild child of our family?

Uncle Moe also told some stories about his life growing up and running a bait shop with Papaw. We also discussed some tragedy our grandmother experienced as a young child. I'm glad I didn't miss out on our conversation that afternoon. We've lost too much and too many in our family, and I treasure moments like those because they don't come often.

My friend, Dani, was supposed to come visit from Atlanta the next day, but due to a flare-up with lupus, she couldn't make the drive. She is the most amazing person and appreciates the beauty of every single day, as only someone who has nearly not made it to see another day, can. Not only does she have lupus, but she barely survived heart failure immediately after delivering her son, Ronnie, five years ago.

Dani and I lived in the same dorm during our freshman year of college, and our lives went separate ways for a while and then brought us back together again. We had to settle for a phone conversation on Sunday afternoon, but I didn't have my video phone, so I didn't think I'd be able to talk to her long. We talked and we talked and we talked. I couldn't believe it. My brain was definitely processing my new mapping. I had to concentrate and felt a little frustrated at times, but my confidence had definitely increased by the time we hung up. Dani seemed impressed I'd hung in there as long as I did, but she was worth it!

I had several more phone calls while I was there with other friends and family members and did quite well considering. At one point, my friend, Crissie, called me on her video phone with an interpreter for herself, while I understood everything she said. She's not hard to understand though, as she speaks slowly and clearly with a definite southern accent. I think if I understood no one else on the phone, I'd probably understand Crissie, but I don't think the irony of the moment was lost on either of us.

Crissie is actually mulling over the idea of a cochlear implant herself one day. Having video phones has given her a unique look into my life in the last few months. She saw me five minutes after I walked in the door from my cochlear implant surgery, groggy and wrapped in a Princess Leia styled bandage. She talked to me when I had all those crazy bells and sirens going off in my head and thought I was losing my sanity during the first week or so. She saw me holding my head in pain, frustrated and depressed, hoping I'd done the right thing. She's been on the phone with me when I've paused to listen for Aidan in the next room to see whether he was sleeping or awake. I've also been able to report to her what's been going on across the house with Aidan and his dad while I was talking to her on the phone, so she's been a spectator of sorts on my journey and isn't deluded about being an insta-Jaime Sommers (a.k.a. the bionic woman from the 70's with super hearing for you kids out there going "huh?")

Another "break-through" on my trip was a lot more mind-boggling. The family television was turned on one night for the first time since I'd arrived. No one was watching though, and the captions hadn't been turned on. Family Guy was on, and I've never watched the show. On a whim, I decided to sit in front of the TV and see if I could get anything out of it. For about ten minutes I sat there, maybe three or four feet away, staring intently and concentrating and.... understanding.... color me dumbfounded. The show was beyond stupid. Really stupid. So stupid it was almost funny, but I won't give it that much credit. If I closed my eyes, it became gibberish again. When I opened my eyes I could follow by watching the pattern of speech as the characters' mouths opened and closed. I think it was also a matter of not having enough confidence to close my eyes and focus. After a few minutes, I was tired. It didn't come easily, but I understood nearly everything being said. Wow.

The last little success of my trip that stands out to me is when I arrived back home at the airport in Houston. I was supposed to meet my husband outside the baggage area, but before I took the escalator down I heard him calling my name clearly. I knew he was far away, but I knew it was James, and I knew it was my name! I couldn't locate him though. I turned around, and finally saw James holding Aidan waving at me all the way across the escalator! It was so good to see my guys and so great to be home.

So, where does the credit go for my latest successes? Is it all the cochlear implant? Of course not. It is one amazing tool though. I credit the amount of time I've spent wearing it, even when my head hurt, and it sounded horrible. I would wear it for hours and hours and work my way through those rough first weeks. That wasn't the cochlear implant. That was me. I also worked my way through the mappings my audiologist gave me as quickly as I could, even though it was almost overload on my brain at times processing so much data. As soon as I could, I'd schedule another appointment for another mapping and get more ambitious mappings and continue working my way through them as quickly as possible. This was my way, and that's how I did it and continue to do it. Everyone that gets a cochlear implant has to do this in their own time and their own way.

There are questions on these blogs as to whether the CIs and mappings deserve all the credit for successes. Umm.. no. Heck, no. Some people want to know more about the deaf person's real experience with the implant. I'm trying to be real. It's hard, but it's extremely rewarding. It's so much work, but there was a point I reached about a month into wearing the implant where it became very tolerable. I don't like to complain about it because I waited so long to get this, and I want to appreciate the gift of having it. At the same time I don't want to be a fraudulent ad for cochlear implants and make someone think that it was a matter of a little surgery and slapping on a magnet and processor and "ta-da"!

I'm still out of my comfort zone on the phone, but my audiologist wants me to try to use it more often for the auditory practice. I would use an interpreter on the phone for anything important. I still can't tell you what someone is singing in a song unless I know the song already. I still get occasional static when my brain hasn't processed some mechanical, electrical sounds. Most of the time I get nice quality sound with my implant, but other times it's like being tuned into an AM station, and it's not as pretty, but it usually works itself out in time. When we rent a movie, the subtitles for the deaf and hard of hearing are on, or we are are starting the movie over (and *sigh* it seems like we start over a lot since *I* don't usually hold the remote! :-) ....and every night, I still take it all out and sleep like a baby.

Mapping #6,

2009-06-15T08:10:00.005-05:00

Last Wednesday I had my sixth mapping. I spent two hours with my audiologist, and I realized something that truly makes a great audiologist is one who can also play the role of therapist once in a while as well. Not many audiologists seem to spend as much time paying attention to the client's psyche as much as the numbers and data and gadgetry and knick knacks.

My afternoon with Michelle reminded me of a lesson that my state director for the Miss Deaf Tennessee Pageant, Marty Dunnagan, taught me years ago: "The only person you are competing with is yourself." She drilled that in my head that it was all about me doing my personal best and not sitting around getting eaten up by what talents or skills someone else might possess.

Having a new cochlear implant is life changing and stressful, although it's a good kind of stress. It still involves dealing with personal expectations, excitement, disappointment, frustration, and anxiety. I can read other experiences and blogs until the cows come home, but Michelle is concerned I'm going to (or *ahem* already have) become impatient with myself when I, unwittingly, compare myself to others and their experiences.

Usually I find other blogs EXTREMELY inspiring and enlightening on the real experience as opposed to the advertised experience of being a cochlear implant user, but once in a while there might be something said on another blog post that makes me second guess myself or feel like I'm not up to par with where I should be. Usually though, I feel a kindred of spirit with a small group of people that are right now going through this journey as newbies too, and I look to the more experienced posters for encouragement and an idea of what to expect down the road. However, if I find that one thing that makes me doubt myself, it might take me some time to find perspective, and that's when I'll ask Michelle questions..."well, what about this... or what about that??? Was this the right choice? Should I be able to do this?" I'm not bad about bothering her (I don't think anyway), but I do think she is just insightful and pays close attention to what her clients are thinking and saying.

Michelle likes to remind me of what I've accomplished in a short time, what I've had to overcome, what limitations I might have started with that someone else might not have had, and she also reminds me how much I want this to work. Above everything else, she truly believes it's the time, training, and desire to do well that makes successful CI users. She explained why brand name is a factor but in the end, if someone is going to succeed with Nucleus Freedom, they probably would succeed with the Med-el or Advanced Bionics. Likewise, if someone wasn't successful with one, they probably wouldn't have been successful with any. Food for thought. At least I'd never thought of it that way.

I guess a good analogy for Michelle's theory would be that it's like driving a car. Hondas and Toyotas are great, but there's a difference between a 16 year old driver and a 30 year old driver (or should be!) It doesn't matter which one either drives which brand. The 30 year old will most likely adapt most easily due to previous experience driving, while the 16 year old will not have the years of experience of driving in either brand and will have to gain experience one day at a time. The 16 year old shouldn't feel compelled to be as talented a driver as a more experienced one. No type of car is going to put that 16 year old on the same playing field as the 30 year old.

I love my audiologist. She spends more time pepping and educating me than she does testing in booths or plotting points on paper, but her positivity and practical advice is what I take with me and use to keep my goals realistic (or to celebrate when the phenomenal happens!) She also takes her time with the mappings and never rushes. It's great because I will leave there wondering if it's tweaked just right, and then bam, the little things just start rolling and I have to take notes (or blog) to keep up with what happens every time I get a new tune-up after visiting her. I also like to email her little things here and there like "I heard crickets last night!!!" I know she can appreciate it more than anyone.

Even though I left there feeling like I didn't have much more oomph to my CI this time, she did a HINT sentence test just before I left and I scored 79%! I was very nervous for some reason, my own personal expectations, I think. This was just wearing the CI and no hearing aid sitting in a sound proof booth listening to the recorded sentences from the speakers. Before I had the CI surgery, I had scored 43% on the same test. She also re-tested my hearing and it was similar to my first test after activation. All frequencies between 250-6000 were either 20 or 25 dB. Last time there was actually a 15dB in the higher frequencies, but she accuses me of being "trigger happy" (can I help it if my ears ring after one pitch???) and says the most recent test is going to be more accurate. I'm still dumbfounded that it is MY test that has that line right going across the top of the paper instead of curving off the right side of the paper into a dead man's ski drop and fading off into oblivion to never be seen again. Amazing.

Like I said, I didn't feel much power or oomph... mostly it seemed the same but with slightly more static (of sounds I guess I need to process?) However, I've been hearing some really cool stuff in the last few days (plus Michelle also says that's just a life time hearing aid user thing wanting to max out the volume on their new CIs while later deafened people tend to go much easier on that... interesting, yes?) That same night, I heard my VRS (video phone) ringing when my friend, Crissie, called. I've never heard that. I was looking at the ceiling trying to figure out what the ringing sound was when I realized that...holy torpedo...my bat signal was going off in the computer room.

The next day, I noticed that in EVERY room of the house I could hear the birds singing loudly. all. day. long. At one point, I was about to fling open the door (at least in my head) and scream "don't you chicks have some worms to dig???" I had to grin knowing that I was kinda, sorta whining to myself about hearing birds take over the house. I wasn't really that annoyed, but I was amused and in awe of this new mapping that seemed so subtle yet was still hitting like a ton of bricks... this sucker had some serious power.

I left my son and husband at the airport to fly to a wedding in Tennessee on Friday afternoon, two days after my mapping. On the plane I thought I'd relax a bit being child-free (and missing him already) and very tired. However five year old, Giovanni, sitting in front of me begged to differ and talked to me the entire flight peeking over his armrest back at me about his summer plans (five weeks in Chicago) and his Gravedigger monster truck (Aidan has the same one, but Giovanni has FOUR trucks!) he was playing with on armrest or passing back to me to "play" with too and all about the monster truck show we both had the uh... joy?... of attending a few months ago in Houston. :-P He offered me candy and wasn't going to take no for an answer. We looked out our windows at the clouds, and when we landed he pointed out the tractors and trucks on the runway. Of course his dad slept through all of this. My seatmate was of no help either. Since I was already missing my son I was a sucker for this thoroughly exhausting conversation anyway.

Just before we landed this child had tapped me for the umpteenth time. I looked up.... "yes????" Giovanni (who also goes by G-man) says most precociously, "I'm not allowed to talk to strangers." Say what, buddy? Oh no you didn't.... Me *shaking head* and maybe ever so slightly impatient after over 2 hours of ongoing conversation with the little guy.... "well, why are you talking to me?" G-man replies, "you aren't a stranger." *SHAKING HEAD AGAIN* "...you don't know me!" G-man says??? (do I even need to say it?) "Yes, I do!!!"

Who can argue with the wisdom of a five year old missing most of his top front teeth? Certainly not the lady blessed enough to understand almost every word he spoke even though he was half hidden by his seat in front of her on a very loud airplane ride from Houston to Chicago. I hope the little G-man is having a fabulous summer vacation!

Technology (Phone, Text, Music) Suggestions Needed! :-)

2009-06-08T18:52:00.003-05:00

This one is for the implanted or aided techies slash just knowledge modern people of the world out there using a reasonably amplified, clear cell phone with great texting options. What works? Pros? Cons? Anything to avoid? Anything you can't live without?

I need a cell phone that's easy to text with (QWERTY keyboard even??) because I will probably use it for the texting feature more than the phone. The phone needs to be extremely compatible and clear with my CI. Anything that doesn't cost an arm and leg would especially win over my husband of course. :)

I like the idea of the Blackberry, but I don't think it's compatible for phone use for anyone with a hearing loss? Please correct me if I'm wrong.

Also... for those of you listening to music and books on tape, are you using an Ipod? I've never had any use for one, so I'm especially clueless when it comes to current technology and music on the go. My gym has televisions with captions and allows tuning into shows by radio... so the guy at the gym recommended an Ipod and buying the extra piece for FM radio. Anyone done this or have another idea.

Teach me please! I'm all eyes! 8-)

Thanks!

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

2009-06-05T01:03:00.003-05:00

Another blogger, Sara, who was also recently implanted mentioned that we very rarely hear/read the not so pretty side of life with a cochlear implant. She asked for honesty in what has been difficult with the cochlear implant experience since many people mostly just blog about the "kittens and rainbows" version and not the nitty gritty details. http://www.sarasera.com/2009/05/the-good-and-the-bad-will-you-share/ She didn't get too many overly negative replies, but that's not to say there isn't a downside to this experience on occasion. She comes across as an analytical person who likes to get all of her facts, so after some thought I decided to take a shot at the good, the bad, and the ugly.

THE GOOD (as in the very latest)... Well, tonight I heard crickets outside, at least until the air conditioning unit drowned them out. They were really loud. My husband said they were very high pitched, so I came in and looked it up. According to one site the cricket sound is around the 6000 Hz range. I'm pretty sure I've never heard crickets in my life. That was really cool. I mean seriously... a cricket??? (I remember my brother making jokes about a cricket they were listening to one evening when we were spending the night with our cousins at our grandparents' house. I remember thinking... "Cricket... what cricket??? There's a cricket here???" and I'm so much more deaf now than I was then.)

I'm also understanding my son more easily each day and the little quirks in his voice, but he only speaks one or two words at a time. Check back in six months to see how good this skill really is!

Using the phone is awesome, but after my last post about chatting away with my husband on the phone, I was unable to follow a conversation with him today for long. Oh well, you win a few; you lose a few. I'm glad that I have access to an interpreter at any time for phone calls at home. If I can make a successful call on my own, that's just bonus. If it's an off day, I don't miss a beat.

Birds singing.... I still can't hear them enough. Hearing my son and the birds.... if I heard nothing else, I would do this all over again.

Dinner with the in-laws last night.... Father-in-law with over-sized mustache and Texan drawl?... picked out a few random sentences throughout the evening?....check (and I'm almost always lost trying to understand anything he says if it isn't short and sweet.) Chatty brother-in-law who talks at the speed of lightening?....I picked out a few sentences with him here and there too.... got a little dizzy trying to keep up (or I just have a short hearing attention span?) Conversation in general at dinner table?? It took some concentrating, but there was a tremendous difference between what I could understand last night compared to the last time we had a family dinner. Usually I'm pretty quiet and will talk to only those right beside me, but last night I held my own with anyone I talked to when I focused. It doesn't come naturally, but the fact I'm even getting any of this information in that noisy environment is huge.

THE BAD.... Sometimes hearing every little last thing is a recipe for anxiety. Sometimes strange unlocated sounds may come across as annoying buzzing static. Sometimes I think everything is magnified tenfold, and I find myself shushing my husband for practically breathing out loud when my son goes to bed for fear he will wake up.

Really petty? I hate trying to put my sunglasses on my head. It's my little fashion statement to wear my super big glasses on top, but it knocks my magnet off, so I end up adjusting them at an odd angle. It's not just a fashion statement... it's also a bad hair day cover-up to throw glasses on top and pull the rest of it back in a ponytail. *sigh*

AND THE UGLY.... I'm *thisclose* to going kung-fu on some grown man in my neighborhood that insists on riding his motorcycle by our house vroom vrooming by as loudly as possible at ALL hours of the day... baby's nap time...check.... dinner time....check..... after dark....check..... midnight... of course...check check. I can not describe this accurately enough. My heart literally stops when I hear this motorcycle. The sound terrifies me, and it's like he's going to drive right through my window. Our house is at a four way stop, and when he slams on the brakes and then gasses up full power my heart darn near leaps out of my chest pounding. Got Xanax?

I honestly have so much respect for hearing people who HAVE to hear 24/7 now. Even when it is quiet, there is still sound. Aidan and I have the book Goodnight Moon on loan from the library, and the last line amuses me. It says "Good night noises everywhere." God bless the poor hearing people. :-D Is it any wonder the white noise CDs and machines along with all the mediation music and nature sound CDs make a gazillion dollars? I only wish I could bottle up the sound of silence because I could sell it off by truck loads to the weary non-sleeping masses. I'd call it "Back to the Womb" or "Go to your Womb!"

Good night everyone! I'm signing off and tuning out. Ahhh.

It's the Little Things

2009-06-02T15:21:00.002-05:00

So, my husband just called. The phone stopped ringing before I could find where I left it last, but I quickly switched my BTE (to any newbies... that's short for "behind the ear") over to the t-mode to talk on the phone and punched in his number. I knew if it was really important he'd tell me immediately to call him back through VRS (my video phone) so that an interpreter would make sure I didn't miss anything.

James had a few things to tell me about... He talked to an old friend. Another friend's pet died. He was going to pick up Turbo Tax. He was at Home Depot returning things, but he also bought a few items. He might go do this errand. He'd be home soon. Tomorrow he planned to clean out the garage... and on it went. So the conversation wasn't necessarily the most exciting, but it was not limited to short sentences and ended under 60 seconds.

My reaction to all of this??? I had just put Aidan down for his afternoon nap. I was a little tired after my little wild child had kept me on my toes getting into everything all afternoon, and we had just read several books before nap time, so I just plopped down in a chair outside to kick back for a few. I wasn't trying extra hard to concentrate or squinting at the phone (because as I told a friend, squinting at phone somehow improves my comprehension.) I got off the phone and realized what just happened. Wow. A real married conversation. I just love this little bionic ear.

One more note for the day, I'm also thrilled that my little man, as wild as he can be, is learning to show his gratitude. He has one of those wooden box toys that can be found in many doctors' offices with the bead mazes and puzzles. There's three puzzles on one side that can be made by flipping the wood pieces, and he got his wrist jammed between the frame and a puzzle piece. The poor child was screaming like a banshee from his bedroom. Fortunately his dad heard him, as I didn't, and James was able to finally free his wrist by putting lotion on his swollen hand. With tears pouring down his face he looked at his daddy and said "thank you!" James caught his breath, and I heard him say, "you're welcome" while watching his son scamper off, and then he looked at me and said in awe, "he thanked me." I love that kid!

What I Learned in Freshman English

2009-05-29T03:35:00.009-05:00

It's been a few *cough* years since I was a college freshman, but I've never forgotten the first year of English classes. I love to write about my own life experiences or short stories about my views of the world around me. Even though I was great at procrastinating, I could usually throw an English paper together two hours before class during the fall semester and still make a decent grade. I'd write the final draft first, off the top of my head, at lunch before class. Then I would write a quick "rough draft" version a little more shabbily and toss it in the pile and turn it all in for the week's work.

I don't think my teacher's expectations were too high for any of us, but my roommate, who would spend a week polishing off her paper to the last perfectly typed detail, would mockingly pout when we'd bring home the same grade. (Mind you, this was the one class the I could bluff my way through so easily. The rest of college? A rude awakening. :)

During the spring semester English became something a whole lot tougher to fake (and my roommate's diligence started to pay off.) All of a sudden papers had to be researched, referenced, doubled-spaced, and typed. (Ahhh... the pre-computer boom era... lots of careful pecking on a clacking electric typewriter with nothing more than prayer and liquid paper for those 911 typo emergencies.) Looking up information through microfiche files and the card catalog system was tedious and boring in the days before the internet. Once I finally had the information I needed for a subject, I started enjoying the assignment a tad bit more. We also began to receive much more specific assignments for writing that required a little more thought than some fluff written over dessert in the university cafeteria.

One freshmen English assignment ended up being a life lesson that still comes to play in my life today. I had to write a persuasive paper on a subject that articulated my thoughts and opinions in a mature, well thought out manner. The next week? I had to be equally mature and persuasive and write the opposite opinion on the same subject. What the heck? That was just crazy talk because I'd already proved my point and shown the validity of my argument! What did she mean she wanted to hear me argue the other side of the debate? Oh, the blasphemy!

I don't even remember on what subject I wrote flip sides of persuasion to convince readers of my passionate points of view. I only remember learning through the process that, well, maybe, just maybe, there's more than one side to a debate that's relevant and fair and deserving. Also, in the search for information to support an argument, it seems to be a great skill to be able to also look for information that supports the other side of the debate as well. Isn't this a valuable skill that allows a truly talented lawyer to shine in a courtroom after all?

Often the lesson I've learned is that no one side is "right", but that there is more than one way to view a situation, especially when the different sides involved have substantial facts, information and history that supports their beliefs. There are often valid arguments for opposing sides, and sometimes the best resolution is finding a middle ground, a compromise, and when all else fails, all parties trying to find a way to respect each other enough to agree to disagree.

I've spent the last few months closely observing this deaf blogosphere I've recently entered. I've read many heartfelt blog posts and watched quite a few equally ardent vlog posts. I've been fascinated by the wide range of viewpoints on various subjects by a blogging community that includes hearing and deaf parents of deaf children in oral deaf education, bi-bi programs, mainstreamed classes, and deaf schools. Other bloggers include the deaf adults of those hearing parents and deaf adults of deaf parents, as well as educators, active members of the Deaf community, and adults deafened later in life. Of course the modes of communication used in this community are just as diverse as the group itself. A few that come to mind quite readily include ASL, total communication, cued speech, Signed English, and spoken English.

There are the blogs of lifelong d(D)eaf adults who grew up educated and living in an environment that supported one type of communication, but as adults chose to use an entirely different mode of communication based on preference or needs. There are blogs by adults who have been deafened later in life by an illness or accident that have never had any type of prior exposure to the deaf community or sign language. There are those deaf who have grown up dabbling in one world or the other, yet not quite feeling a complete identity with either.

As a deaf mom and a former deaf education teacher, the blogs that touch me the most are those of the parents of deaf children seeking the path their children should go. Many parents stand at the crossroads trying to figure out where they are going next. The signs point in different directions and the roads are many. All look equally important, but only one can be chosen. The billboards promise that their road is the surest way to reach the desired destination successfully. So many decisions, so little time, what to do, what is right, what is best, what is fair, which way to go, will there be regrets, will there be dead ends, will there be bumps in the road, do we head this way full throttle, but oh... that sign over there... look what it promises!!!... what if this road is wrong... what if that road is right?? Oh what to do... see here... see here... my child grew an inch just last night in his sleep... time is flying.. there's no time to waste... I must pick a path... I must go without haste for my child awaits.

No matter which path these parents take, the one thing most of us would likely agree upon is that these parents have their hearts in the right place. As loving parents anywhere would feel, they only want what is best for their children and their future. Likely there will be second guessing and "what-if" moments, but isn't that a rite of passage of parenthood for all of us regardless what of what challenges we face? In the end isn't it the loving, involved parents armed with information and positive support from the community around them that will thrive most confidently? Aren't those the parents with the most successful children, no matter which road they chose?

The most divisive issues that have really come to play in this world front and center seems to be the preservation of the Deaf community and the rights of the parents to choose the path they feel would best serve their children's success in the "real" world. At this center of this storm today? The cochlear implant. Is the cochlear implant the only issue? No, of course not. It is, however, the common denominator in many of these blogs. The opinions are many. Stands have been made. Each side feels right. It's a battle; it's a war. Lines have been drawn in the sand, and the ones who stand to lose the most are our children.

The landscape of the Deaf community and culture is changing. The progress in technology is moving forward. Each side has an equally strong and impassioned case. Each side has excellent points. Our children's future success being deaf in a hearing world and their right to inherit an intact, strong, and supportive Deaf community is at stake. It's not an either/or issue, but maybe, if we all stopped and put our heads together, we could give them "all of the above". Our children deserve to have every chance for success and every bit of support that is rightfully and historically theirs.

It's up to all of us, and we all have something unique to put on the table that will provide our children support, confidence, and pride long after we are gone. Perhaps if we, as adults, could suspend our personal beliefs for a moment and listen to what the other side has to offer to our children, we might find a common ground upon which we can give our Deaf children a truly wonderful tomorrow.

Mapping #5 and Updates Courtesy of the Truly Fab Facebook Status

2009-05-25T14:54:00.020-05:00

So funny that when things seem to be progressing the most quickly is also when I have the least amount of time to devote to blogging. I have so much to catch up on since I haven't been able to blog much recently, and yet, the cochlear implant awaits no blog. The progress this little computer in my head and I are making together has made everyday an exciting experience lately.

I will start off by saying that my fourth mapping (mentioned in my last post) that was supposed to sustain me at least seven weeks was just not cutting it a week later. I had maxed it out and was completely ready to take on an even bigger range of sound. I made an appointment on May 7th, my fortieth birthday (yes, yes, 40 is the new 30 and all that jazz...), for another session with my audiologist. Michelle is just the greatest at squeezing me in spur of the moment and allowing me advance at my own pace instead of going by the book. I adore her for that, and I'm sure I would not have made nearly as much progress without all the time she has put in creating new maps for me and here I was just five weeks out ready for my fifth mapping!

My mapping session was the highlight of my birthday. (Thank you, Michelle!) James was on his fifth day in the ICU at the time, and getting a new tune up with TONS of power was a great gift on an otherwise pretty gloomy day. Even taking Aidan to the park later that evening to visit the ducks was a bust as he was exhausted from daycare and missing his daddy. He threw a temper tantrum on the grass worthy of an Oscar before collapsing in my arms crying and asking for his dad. Whew. Some days this mom business just isn't a walk in the park (pun intended.)

So, Michelle increased my range of sound almost to the point of distortion, but she stopped short of that, of course. I had pushed her for something I could work my way up to in the next few weeks, and she was worried that I would leave with something too loud for comfort. However, every time I've left her office with something that seemed loud, my brain would adjust to it quickly, so I had no fear of the great big booming world. My tolerance for louder programs increases even more when I put my hearing aid on my left ear, and when we work on the mappings, I don't put it on until we are wrapping up.

I was given four new programs on my processor. They were for using everyday, filtering out background noise, focusing directly on a speaker (anything or anyone I can look at directly), or listening to music. This would be more for music in a very quiet environment or with an Ipod. Michelle also said it would be good for listening to nature and birds.

Each program has nine different volume levels. I've maxed this sucker out....again....(level nine, baby!) and am trying to refrain from going back for a new mapping right away to give Michelle a little space to actually see her other clients. The only thing is that now that I'm at maximum level and comfortable with it, I'm hearing a lot of background static that is making me batty. It's like radio static on a station that is just barely out of range.

One area of improvement has been a surprise. Music is getting better all the time, even though some people seem to prefer the music they heard prior to the CI with their hearing aids. The high pitched notes on the Faith Hill song I always listen to for comparison after mappings and as the weeks pass are actually the sounds of a guitar. It makes so much sense now.

Music used to have depth for me with my hearing aids, but it was a one dimensional depth. I couldn't isolate different sounds as I'm starting to do now. I could usually hear very basically how the tune sounded, but I couldn't pick out any of the details, especially those sounds in the higher frequencies, and I had no idea how much I was missing.

I asked James recently about different sounds I was hearing in the background when we were in the car, and he'd tell me what he thought it was. Once it was a brass instrument, another time I heard something distinct it was a piano, and another time it was a guitar. Voice clarity, at least, is as good as it was with both hearing aids with a little more oomph added now (meaning if I know a song and have memorized the words, I can usually follow if the voice is easy to distinguish from the music), but I know that comprehension and clarity will probably be my biggest hurdle to cross eventually whether it's by spoken word or song.

I started watching this season of American Idol with two hearing aids, then I only had one after surgery, and by the finale I was rocking out with a screaming toddler and a cochlear implant. I was able to appreciate the voices of both finalists a little more fully by the finale than I would have a few months ago. One guy was a full blast glam rocker/power ballad singer and the other was the simple yet creative song writer/singer usually sporting a guitar. Both had God given talents that I could enjoy with my brand new God given bionic hearing.

I would have been happy with either guy winning based on talent alone. The sad part was the viewers and the media who tried to turn it into a culture war with neither fan base looking too hot, but that's a blog post for another day. (I will say that the grown up friendship between Adam Lambert and Kris Allen AND their families speaks volumes in itself about the respect those two guys and their families have for each other. *heart melting*)

One thought that keeps crossing my mind lately is that I have not a clue how hearing people can handle so much noise commotion at one time. However, I keep thinking about what if I were blind and not deaf? What if I was able to see by some miracle? The kaleidoscope of the summer landscape in our neighborhood, while wonderful to see for the first time, would have to be incredibly overwhelming to take in all at once. I can label a tree, a cloud, birds, a garbage truck, a child on a bicycle, a wagon in the yard, and a rooftop on a house, but if I had never truly seen before what would I make of all of that? Would it all just jumble together visually as sounds seem to do for me now? That is how I try to view my situation and keep my perspective when I feel a bit impatient. I cannot fully understand how it is to process this maddening world of sounds just yet, but I learn something new everyday. I can only imagine a blind person learning to see would also have to spend time deciphering that information just like I'm trying to do now with a cochlear implant.

So here's my idea of updating my progress since my last mapping on my birthday... I'm copying the relevant Facebook status messages from my profile since the last tune up. :-D Clever, eh? On that note thank God for Facebook, or I wouldn't know what I was thinking at 11:00 pm three months ago. Gosh, how have we lived without this glorious technology all these years? *insert slight sarcasm and a big smile*

....and now for the status updates....

Michelle talked to her extremely in denial hard-of-hearing big brother on the phone last night without an interpreter or captions and didn't do any worse than he did... Okay, that's not saying much... but a month later we've gone from bats n bells in the belfry to talking on the phone...kind of... Score one for the bionic ear. Boo for tuning me in to two year old tantrums in high definition though. May 12 at 11:40pm

This was a major triumph for me! The conversation with Dean was pretty simple, but it was great practice for me. I was able to do this by turning my processor to the telephone switch and maxing out the volume.

I also had a couple of other phone conversations with my "adopted" mom in Tennessee. She's very soft spoken but is clear and enunciates well. She was excited we were having the conversation sans interpreter and captions. I still use my video phone, with interpreter, for most calls because the clarity isn't quite there and even having a simple conversation requires a lot of concentration at this point, but I'll get there!

I think the biggest issue with speech is probably understanding consonants. Vowels, I can pick up pretty well, and my brain usually works extra hard taking those vowels and tying them in with the few consonants I might catch, the sentence structure/number of syllables, to the topic at hand to piece it all together. That requires a lot of tiring brain work, but I haven't had a real conversation on the phone like these calls in a long long time. It was just awesome to even be on the phone and comprehend anything at all, much less with 10-20 minute conversations.

Michelle is quite amused by her two year old waving to her from his high chair saying, "hi baby!"May 14 at 9:55pm

Mostly posting this because the kid is a hoot! However, I didn't have to ask my husband what he said because I understood him myself. I did clarify this statement with James though because I keep thinking I misunderstood something Aidan said. "Did he really say 'hi babe'?!" I have a hard time believing that I understand the odd little comments a two year old will make. Funny thing?? I seem to understand whatever James understands Aidan to say. It seems almost any time I ask James to repeat something Aidan just said now, he usually doesn't understand it either!!! Amazing? I think so. Thank you, God for my bionic ear and my silly child!

Michelle: Oh, you chirpy little birds are so loud.... I haven't heard you since I was a kid... and never in high def like this... Thanks for stopping by today... even though I have a feeling you've been there for a long time. :-P May 15 at 6:20pm

This was a super duper red letter day for me! Seriously! We have birds... lots and lots of birds in our 'hood. Who knew??? Not me! I cannot get enough of listening to the beautiful music they make. If the television is off and no one is talking, I can even hear them in my living room as I sit on the couch. Wow! Truly this is a gift.

Granny and I used to listen to birds on her back porch when I was much younger. I'd forgotten what it was like to hear their singing, and even as a child I didn't hear them quite this well, but my grandmother would tell me what to listen for as we sat out there quietly looking up towards the trees and the sky. Now I am telling my son to listen for the birds when we are outside which kind of chokes me up a bit. *sigh*

I slide my magnet off and on when I sit outside to remind myself not to take this for granted and to remember just a few weeks ago I would not have been able to enjoy this. With just my hearing aid on, all I can hear outside is the low buzz of the air conditioner, and the quiet sound of my husband's voice. He's a loud guy, and we have loud birds. I love my new outside world.

Michelle's startling hearing moment of the day: hubby's cell phone... across the house.... while the TV was on... I couldn't hear that thing ring if I sat on top of it two months ago. Dude! :-P May 17 at 12:22am

Oh my gosh... oh my gosh.... OH. MY. GOSH! James' cell phone has a cute little ring tone. I was on the computer one night, and over the sounds from the television in another room, I heard very very clearly his phone ringing as if it were in the room right beside me. Holy cow! Un-freakin'-believable! I couldn't hear that thing ring...ever.... before! I always thought it must be the quietest ring that required super duper listening skills. Not at all. It's quite loud. Seriously, this is my husband... super duper listening skills??? *said affectionately*

Michelle's bionic moment of the day: hearing something from the living room while the TV was on... hmmm... is it??? *venturing to bathroom to look* ... why yes, the sink water is running while hubby is brushing his teeth. Can I get a woot? :-D May 17 at 9:02pm

This was another shocking moment for me. Running sink water?? Over the TV? I'm the chick that can leave the water running right in front of my face and not have a clue. Of course I can't blame that completely on being deaf, since I know I can just be scatterbrained period. This was just too cool. Had lots of cheesy woots from friends on FB!

A runner up moment of the day that didn't make my status report but I included in the comment section reads: ".... listening to different bird calls in the back yard and actually being able to find two of the birds I was listening to on my fence "talking" to each other... I knew it was them because I could beak read them... seriously... ;-)" I do sometimes try to locate the birds I hear now if they are visible and not hidden in the trees.

Michelle has spent an hour frantically looking for her lost CI processor only to find it ..*whistling* (now, don't tell anybody this...) ... behind her ear... sad... just sad... May 18 at 11:00am

What kind of a ding dong am I? Like I said... nothing to do with being deaf... just naturally absent minded on occasion. I had this sucker on... magnet and all and the only reason I "found" it is because I finally stopped searching and stood in the living room puzzled, scratching my head...thus locating the darned thing. It wasn't turned on though if that makes me any less of a ding dong! ;-)

Michelle had lunch on the patio of Joe's Crabshack.... listened to the music on the speakers.... placed orders for hubby and herself as she carried on conversation with waiter with no repetition necessary.... (and did I mention the restaurant faces the freeway???) Today's bionic moment is brought to you by the makers of Nucleus Freedom... :-D May 19 at 3:26pm

Now THIS is what it's all about, people! Multi-tasking listening skills sorting themselves out... so, so, so fabulously cool! Yes, I had to lipread the waiter as I placed the order, but I could hear him clearly over the noise of the freeway and music as well. I could hear the music clearly separate from the traffic. I carried on a conversation with my husband without strain in spite of the music and traffic. It was really awesome to have him home from the hospital after a long stay and much healthier than he had been in months while enjoying a nice grown up lunch outside and knowing what was going on around me. At this point, I'd just been activated about 6 weeks.

Michelle's bionic moment of the day.... (you've been sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for one, right?! ;-) ....hearing the little Thomas the Train chugging in place on the couch wasting a battery over the sound of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on TV... (had to turn the TV sound off to actually locate the little bugger though...) Thomas lives to roam off tracks around the big world of our living room another day. Fri 8:18pm (May 22)

Oh the things I can hear now and all the batteries it may save on toys in the future hopefully! I can actually relate to the parents that have to listen to the racket of multiple toys going haywire simultaneously now. I know every bionic moment won't be puppy dogs, rainbows, and Audubon musicals, and that's okay!

My friend, Melissa, asked me if there is anything I didn't like to hear at this point... my response: "LOL!!!!!!!!!! Ummm.. quite a few! let's start with the screaming demon... (2 year old piercing tantrums hurt).... and all the static coming in from the craziest stuff like the refrigerator humming... only it sounds like static when I'm not next to it and I can hear it over music or the TV... (I've turned off the TV and followed the sound to the kitchen and the static turns into the fridge or dishwasher humming) or when we go outside and the bird symphony is joined by the AC... there was a cricket I was trying to hear but my neighbor's AC clicked on and drowned that out (also sounds like static)... oh... and when paper is crinkled or packages or opened by others when I'm in the car, by the TV (I promise I don't watch that much TV.. LOL!).. whoa... it is loud and sounds like it's tearing right in my ear (like James opening ice cream cones or bags of popcorn)... Phoebe (our cat) was playing with a plastic bag next to the computer and that was very crispy loud and startling...")

I'll end with this moment from yesterday, though I only heard about it second hand. My guys humor me. Life with a two year old at it's finest:

Michelle's laugh of the day.... When Aidan's daddy came home from the store he opened a bag and asked Aidan if he wanted some candy. Aidan's response? "Money? Two dollars?" (no, kid... it's free... you're two... where do you come up with this stuff??) 10:39pm

Mapping #4, Gonna Fly Now!

2009-05-16T21:41:00.009-05:00

So much has been going on in my life and with my implant in the last few weeks that I'm a little bummed I didn't try to blog along the way to catch the small stuff. However the illness I mentioned was my husband's and required a long hospitalization, but he's home and on his way to recovery now. We are blessed that he doing so much better. If you are the praying type, we would appreciate if you would add James' continued recovery to your prayer list.

Even though my attention was really elsewhere, I've made quite a bit of progress recently with my implant, and I'm really excited. I made some notes after mapping #4 (April 28) so I can probably summarize the day pretty easily, but it's the days after that I wish I had kept more notes on. However, I can hit the highlights of that particular big day... the day I felt like I'd finally run up my own gazillion steps and could see the future a little more clearly.

The day began with one of Houston's infamous floods that subsided quickly, but it was a big mess on this Tuesday. Many schools and businesses were closed for the day. I had made arrangements for Aidan to go to daycare and was hoping both the daycare and the HERF (Hearing Ear and Research Foundation) office would be open so I could get this mapping done. I was ready because the mapping I had at the time was feeling very limited, and I was ready for a big tune up! Luckily the roads were passable where I was going and both places were indeed open.

When I met with my audiologist, Michelle, we went into detail discussing what was going on. I told her I was just a little frustrated by how sloooow my progress was, and then I would mention, "oh by the way, I can hear if Aidan is crying or laughing through a closed door at nap time" (which kept me from opening the door if he wasn't and distracting him) or I would say, "oh, and by the way, I heard the rain outside my window and then I heard the rat a tat tat sound of the rain when I opened the back door" (as opposed to the steady roar with my hearing aid.) Finally after a few "oh by the ways" she just looked at me and told me I was just an outside the box case, and that my progress for my type and history of loss was really nothing to sneeze at which made me feel better. I told her that I've always felt "outside the box" when it came to my hearing loss because I could compensate (*cough* fake) my way through anything, but with the cochlear implant it was kicking my booty! (can't believe I just said "booty"... is that more PG than "butt"?..probably not..) After a pep talk from her, I was feeling much better. I swear my audiologist is like a special ed teacher that inspires her students to graduate with honors. ***Insert Rocky theme song here***

Michelle did four progressive maps, each slightly louder than the other for me to work my way through. She also told me normally I'd come back in the 3 months for the next appointment but since I was going to see my family in Tennessee in June for a wedding, she was willing to do a mapping 7 weeks later before I left and do the different types of programs including the one for music.

She tested with beeps. I'd raise my hand as I heard the beeps. I got hard to test like I always do because my ears start ringing as soon as I hear high pitches and play tricks on me straight through testing. However, she did a neural test as well, and the computer did all the work checking out my brain's reaction to sounds. I really need to research that further to understand how that happens. I just loved that I had to do nothing. My neural test closely matched my beep test, so I didn't look like a total clown. Those two tests were used to create my mappings.

Michelle pulled out papers and a box and started rifling through them and WOW, was everything LOUD! I was fine with it though. I wanted the boost, but it was something of a shock and it wasn't like it was going to cause more nerve damage. *smile* We did a booth test after that, and it was just amazing how much I could hear. Of course I'm referring to beeps and whistles and such, not speech. There's still a long way to go, but my brain is processing this information well.

As I was leaving the building I noticed how the world seemed more "open" and more sounds were coming through. When I got to the car, I played the Faith Hill song I always play after mappings or whenever I turn up my processor. I was able to turn my map up to the third program already and tolerate it fine. The sound was amazing. It was much more like listening with my hearing aid, but with the added benefit of high pitched frequencies and instruments I could almost pluck out of the to complement what I was hearing in the left ear with my hearing aid. Even starting the car, hearing the music, and the traffic on the freeway while paying the lady at the toll booth as I was exiting the hospital was liberating and not even too overwhelming. This is the day I finally saw the potential in my cochlear implant and truly became excited.

I picked up Aidan and took him to the library to get some new books to read at bed time. He ran to the toddler section and the noise level was crazy loud. I looked around, but no one was even reacting. I thought libraries were quieter???? Of course toddlers with puzzles and puppets aren't going to be little angels, but I really did not know how loud the kid section of the library is. However some child started banging on metal shelves, and Aidan walked over and copied that child. Before I could pull him away the librarian was on MY case about my child. Hey, it was the other kid, lady. Sheesh. (Okay, my kid isn't blameless... but still. ;-)

That evening, I watched American Idol going back and forth between my third and fourth mappings. Just a few hours later and I had maxed out my new mappings. I did have to adjust to Aidan rolling his car on an end table while I was watching tv. That was startling and annoying (especially when he would be at his loudest any time anyone was singing. How does he know these things? He has uncanny timing.) Hearing him talk was even crazier. In the car I easily knew when he was talking. It was almost like he was sitting right beside me and not in the back seat with the windows down. This was a great day.

More updates to follow on another post.... :) I'm not done yet.

Stay Tuned

2009-05-05T01:55:00.004-05:00

I know I've taken a break from my blog recently. I have a lot to share soon. After mapping #4, everyday has been a new adventure in listening as opposed to just the torture of bells and whistles with an occasional recognizable sound before that mapping. I'm hearing more speech, more environmental sounds, and most importantly understanding my son so much better. I have a long way to go, but I like where I am now because I see the potential, and it is liberating. Of course at the end of the day, I take it all off and just relax. Sometimes silence is the best sound of all, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'll check in soon. Due to my son's second birthday last weekend and now an illness in my immediate family, I've been otherwise preoccupied. I appreciate the emails and support I've received from friends and family.

I'd also like to thank again those who donated to my friend Melissa's March for Babies fundraiser. She went over her goal by $50 ($350 total!) and walked 5 miles on the day of the walk. Her son just started walking himself. *sniff* What a long way he's come since he was born two months early. I'm so proud of him and his mom!

Take care and see you soon,

Michelle

March of Dimes Walk

2009-04-22T10:38:00.007-05:00

A dear friend of mine is walking this Sunday for March of Dimes. She has an incredibly modest goal of $300 to reach in the next four days.

I met Melissa, very begrudgingly, when my principal asked me to take a deaf education student teacher from a local university for the spring semester several years ago. I asked if I had any say in the matter and he said no, so the rest is history. Thank God for Dr. Michel. I made one of the best friends a girl could ever have!

Melissa and I have shared so many ups and downs through the years... our scales (she'll forgive me for that one if one of you makes a small donation)... our dating lives.... our engagements.... our weddings... and our pregnancies.

Most of our life experiences we shared around the same time periods which made for a great support system in each other. However, Melissa became pregnant just before my son was born, and it seemed like her son was here in no time after I had Aidan. Gregory, very unexpectedly, made his appearance 8 weeks early. He was a preemie, and no one saw it coming. His family was very anxious. He was in NICU on Christmas Day (and Melissa couldn't even touch him), and in the hospital for several weeks following. He was also in isolation at home for several months once he finally came home. Today he is a very happy thriving little toddler who is into everything. Pure joy is the best way to describe him.

There are the angel babies that are no longer with us that this walk also represents. Rudy is the son of my friend, Dannette, (a former Miss Deaf Texas and a current bi-bi pre-K teacher) who went to heaven after only 28 days on this earth. He was a fighter but he was too early. Dannette has just been blessed with the happy news that she is expecting three years later, and she is due on Rudy's original due date, December 21st. (I had goosebumps when she told me that.)

My friend, Kara, is someone I've reconnected to from high school, and I've actually gotten to know her better now than I ever knew her then. Her beautiful daughter, Bailey, was born stillborn 5 years ago at 39 weeks.

March of Dimes can make a difference in someone's life that you know. A small donation goes a long way. If you can make even a $5 donation, I'm sure Melissa would be thrilled. It's the little things in life that make her happy. She has no idea I'm writing this, so I hope she forgives me for not telling her first. xoxo

Thank you in advance to anyone who has even taken the time to read this, and a big heartfelt thank you to anyone that might consider making a donation to help Melissa reach her goal in the next four days. Remember it is tax deductible!

Drip Drip!

2009-04-17T16:42:00.003-05:00

It was a dark and rainy night. No scratch that.... It was a dark and rainy afternoon. The kind where an almost two year old valiantly fought an afternoon nap in the next room, passing prison time slowly pulling out each individual sheet of the big jumbo pack of new wipes accidentally left in his crib (when he realized that all other antics for freedom had failed.) The cats curled up under the desk snoozing away, while I escaped the morning madness that is Mickey Mouse and choo choo trains by spending some time online. When lo and behold, what noise was that yonder invading my right ear space? No, it wasn't the rat-a-tat-tat-tat of the computer keys that I'm getting used to lately. This was different. This is *peering out window to confirm*... yes, this is the sound of raindrops on the roof. Holy cow. Awesome! This is a sound I can say with absolute certainty, I can only hear in the bionic ear when I'm inside the house.

Well, crazy times like this call for venturing to the back door and standing by the rain to listen...(I'm not feeling it enough to actually stand in it and spin around, holding daisies, while my hair is drenched cover girl style from the rain.) I can easily hear it with both ears, but it is such a different sound with each one one. With the hearing aid it has more of a calming roar. With the implant, it sounded more like a pattern with a constant drip drip sound. I think I need to go back to the door and take more notes.

Also that child in the next room had an early release and needs some monitoring (and NOT for good behavior... the warden just couldn't take it anymore!)

I've Got Ears, Say Cheers!

2009-04-16T14:01:00.004-05:00

I'm just past two weeks since the first mapping, and slowly but surely, things are starting to look up! Last night James and I took Aidan to see Disney on Ice at Reliant Stadium in Houston. Aidan loves Mickey Mouse and all of his friends, so we knew that would be so much fun to watch the magic for the first time through his eyes. Meanwhile the show was very loud on my new "ear", but the noise didn't bother me any more than it normally would have in the pre-CI days. I had the setting on the next to loudest program (P3), but I thought it was at the highest at the time(P4), which is where I normally wear it during the day now.

I couldn't help but think how, even though the show is very visual, there is also a story being told and music playing that would require hearing to appreciate. Younger children with hearing loss will miss out on some of the excitement because of that unless Disney makes some accommodations I don't know about? I did wish I could follow along a little better last night, but I was so taken in by Aidan's pure joy with all things Disney, it was quickly forgotten.

Aidan loved the show and was spellbound with skating fish and lobster, the vibrant lighting and sound effects, and especially the Mickey and co. sightings between the acts. He was so calm and well behaved all the way through intermission. (Wow, have I ever said Aidan, calm, and well-behaved all in the same sentence before?) He sat on his dad's lap for a while and then reached out and asked for me. Awww... coming from his royal wildness, that was a special treat, and I enjoyed every last snuggly minute!

We let him burn some energy during intermission, and meanwhile, I loaded up on cokes, popcorn and cotton candy that came with the absolute must have item of the night, a yellow fish hat. (Mind you, we'd already had a cheeseburger, fries and a snowball in a fish mug.) The second half of the show started feeling a bit long for an almost two year old that was stuffing fistfuls of cotton candy in his mouth as fast as he could pull it out of the bag. He became somewhat restless and antsy, and I could finally show James, with absolutely no doubt, that late night sugar for our kiddo will create a monster. Of course I bought said sugar that created said monster, but did I mention we saw Mickey Mouse live and in person???

On the way home James had to make a quick stop to pick up his truck at work, so I waited in the car for a few minutes. Aidan was out for the count in his car seat. I decided to listen to a CD with my processor minus my hearing aid. The CD is one of Faith Hill's older CDs that I had years ago. I just bought it at Half Priced Books since I had several songs memorized I could use for listening practice. I was surprised to listen to Breathe and actually separate her voice from the music. It wasn't crystal clear, but it was something new. I could easily follow along with the song knowing it so well, but I couldn't have done that with my processor alone two weeks ago.

When we drove home, I continued to listen to the CD. This time I had the car engine running and my hearing aid on in my left ear. All the same, I noticed something big, something different I hadn't connected with before that moment. The "noise" in my right ear had become the high frequencies of the song I was listening to and it sounded like a (hold it....are you ready for this... wait...just wait...) PLEASANT (yes, I said pleasant!!!) tinkling of music that matched what I was hearing in my left ear. The two sounds were like matching bubble gum pink to fuchsia, definitely in the same family but oh so different. I can't hear what I'm hearing in my right ear with the implant on the left side with my hearing aid, but at the same time my implant has a long way to go before it catches up to what I can do with a hearing aid. (Why do I feel like I need to explain this, like I'm having an affair with my right ear and cheating on my left ear?)

Since last night I've heard music on the television in passing with the high frequency tinkling in my right ear that matched what I was hearing on the left side in the lower frequencies. Muy cool! Also, I've noticed almost overnight that speech on television is becoming more clear to me. Aidan and I watched Babe this afternoon, and I took off my hearing aid to listen for a few minutes. Words sounded like they were echoing, yet with the captions on I could easily match what I was reading to what I was hearing.... easily. Whew. Slowly but surely. This is definitely better than I had hoped for even a week ago at this point. I'm looking forward to my next mapping!

A Little Lost on Easter Sunday

2009-04-12T18:34:00.005-05:00

Today, my husband, son, and I went to Easter service at Houston Second Baptist in Katy. I was so excited about getting everyone dressed up, out the door, dropped off (although I felt so bad that Aidan boo-hooed buckets as we left him in the nursery) and to the service on time. What I was not expecting to find is that the service is no longer interpreted in sign language. The Spanish interpretation is still there, but where did the deaf crowd go? I admit that I teared up when I asked where the interpreters were and was told by a very nice man, who looked so disappointed to be the one to tell me, that sign language interpreting wasn't available for that service anymore. What the heck? I kind of felt like, in the moment, I was being tested to see if I could take the news on such a wonderful Holy day like a champ. Of course that made it worse because I was quickly wiping the tears as we sat down. Debby Downer arrives to the pews in a timely manner. *sigh*

I was really bummed at first, but then I thought maybe I could use the time to practice my listening skills. I knew I wouldn't understand much but every little bit of practice helps. Really, all there was to do was to make lemonade out of lemons at this point. James was obviously feeling bad for me, and I felt bad that he felt bad. I am too much of a novice with my implant to say I got a lot out of the service, but the songs from today were ones I've known for years. I miss my grandmother, especially at Easter, and the hymns were comforting and familiar and made me feel nostalgic for another time.

Before the service started after the singing, the room went dark, and there were loud booms, which were special effects that sounded like thunder (I'm pretty sure that is what it was supposed to be) and a narrative that unfolded around the story of Jesus' resurrection. Also, the main points were displayed in writing on the screens. It was very much like briefly being in a theater for an action movie with the compelling voice narrating (all I can tell you is that it was a deep male voice, but I would've known that with just my hearing aid) and loud theatrical sound effects.

The service was too complicated for me to follow. I could only catch a few words or phrases here and there as Dr. Young worked the stage. This was his televised sermon, and the cameras surround the stage, so he can pretty much move all over the stage, and he did. We sat behind the orchestra and had an up close view of all the frenzied, exciting action that goes on in the pit. There are also a lot of overhead television screens at Second Baptist that show the service as it is taking place and also includes the verses being read or the songs being sang which is really cool for someone that needs a little visual information.

After the service we made our way back to the nursery. Aidan was in a class solely for May 2007 babies. You know it's a big church when his class is only for 23 month old kiddos! I wonder if they celebrate all the birthdays in May? Aidan had some artwork for us, which included a butterfly and a cross he'd "colored" for us. I was already mentally deciding where on the fridge I was going to place them and what was going to have to go to make room for them. He was very happy to see us, and of course we were thrilled to see him. Have I mentioned how much I love my little angel with his lopsided halo?

We went out to eat at Red Lobster after church. At this point Aidan was tired (read: hyperactive, kicking, just a real pleasure. ;-) We knew it was a lost cause when the crackers were tossed all over the floor and table, and he was upset he was not allowed to "play" (throw, toss, hail Mary) with the (breakable) bread plates. James was still a little uncomfortable from the family picture a waitress took for us because Aidan chose that moment to kick his dad in the unmentionables as I held him. I must say as horrible as I felt for James, the picture itself is classic, a lovely blooper caught on camera to remember for years to come. Yes, I must figure out how to post the picture, which includes James' stunned "I've been maimed" expression, while Aidan completely turned his head away from the camera. We called it a day and took our lunches to go.

Maybe next year Aidan will make it through church and lunch. Last year his grandfather preached his last Easter service before retiring, and I had to take chatty Aidan outside for the service (small church and no nursery) but we made it through dinner at Luby's with the family afterwards. As for this year, we all went home, watched a little Micky Mouse, had lunch and took naps. Actually, I waited until James and Aidan were both asleep to break out my crab legs and shrimp while watching a DVRed episode of General Hospital from last week....THEN I took a nap... not too shabby! When all was said and done, I think I preferred my couch for lunch today.

Anyway, I really do hope we can find a Baptist or non-denominational church in Houston that we really like as a family (and is not such a long drive) and has interpreted services. There's a deaf church in Houston, but it's about thirty minutes or more from our house. I'd like to find something closer to our community so we can be more involved than just for a Sunday visit. I also hope God will forgive me for my gloomy mood earlier today because my life has been extremely blessed, even when things don't go as planned once in a while. Today is really about the ultimate gift God gave us. Everything else is secondary.

Hope you all had most fabulous Easter! :)

Super Crazy Day with Some Super Fabulous Surprises Along the Way

2009-04-10T15:13:00.009-05:00

Yesterday was an amazingly eventful day from start to finish. First thing in the morning, Aidan and I were off to see his ENT doctor at Texas Children's Hospital for another ear infection in this crazy cycle of chronic infections. He doesn't get inner ear infections. He gets them in the outer ear. He's prone to infections from mere contact with soap and water (and probably has a lot to do with his tiny ear canals.... so hopefully he'll outgrow this soon.) Aidan wears some super funky blue and green striped ear molds every night when he takes a bath to prevent the infections from returning. *sigh*

So back we went back to Texas Children's Hospital to get this darned infection under control again, and Aidan had a wonderful time in the lobby with all the fish in aquariums (both the fake fish in the tall plastic tubes with bubbles that float up and down, as well as the more elaborate and bigger aquarium with all the real colorful fish.) He likes to run around pointing to said fish, the fakers and the real deal, and repeatedly announce "Fish, Fish, Fish!!" to anyone, child or adult, that will look or listen. He's extremely loud and animated, so any of the hard of hearing or deaf kids hanging out nearby in the lobby probably got the gist of his simple but passionate message.

Unfortunately, someone will always come out eventually to claim Aidan, and then the meltdown starts. As soon as we go through the doors to the first room where he is weighed and checked in by a nurse, he loses it. The ENT visits in the past have been very traumatic for him with all the poking and prodding, to the point that a haircut or a visit to my doctor (yes, for me) can trigger the mother of all psychotic meltdowns. A little off topic here, but when do I ever have just one topic anyway??? He weighs 33 pounds now. I know he's pushing 3 feet tall, if he's not there already. We'll have his 2 year visit in the next few weeks (another meltdown in the making) and will get his new stats then. Someone actually asked me if he was 3 or 4 yesterday!

Finally, we headed to the next room to wait for the doctor and oy... I don't think a deaf person on that floor could have missed the vibrations of his sobbing and wailing when he saw THAT room. Poor baby (and mommy... I have to say it... :) There was a carnival type mirror in there for the pint-sized, and I made a picture of him standing in front of it looking at himself crying. I should be ashamed for saying this, but it is truly a hilarious picture of his over sized head on his tiny body thanks to the distortion of the mirror with his squished up face and tears. After I had my fun, we found a few books laying around and read stories calmly until the nurse and doctor came in and had to clean out his ears. I was his human swaddle...what a workout, but it sure beat wrapping him up and laying him down on a table when I couldn't do anything for him. It was over pretty quickly, and Aidan was overjoyed to tell the doctor "bye bye" (which is Aidan speak for "now get away from me already, lady. I am outta this joint.") Of course she found him cute and cooed back at the sweet child telling him bye bye too. We left with 4 prescriptions of ear drops, so I think I can get him through any more flare-ups in the future until, hopefully, they are all behind us. Thank goodness.

After that, we headed for a really busy Chick-Fil-A where I knew for certain a little someone would be over the moon when he saw the play area. After we had lunch, we wandered back there, and it was one of those sky high play centers with mazes and tunnels and what-not. However, it was not very wide on the ground with options low to earth for the tiny tot crowd.

Aidan struggles to keep up with the big kids when we are out at these play areas. He loves their energy, and frankly most of the kiddos his age tend to get run over by his exuberance if he's not watched carefully. On the other hand, older boys make me nervous around him when they get too wild, but I love the older girls. They just love doting on him and helping him climb and play. Aidan thinks every kid is his new best friend, and that just warms those little girls' hearts wherever we go.

Aidan enjoyed making do with climbing the bottom of the slide, and working his way through the little maze that goes straight up to the big stuff, but he didn't go high at all...nothing crazy and mostly age appropriate play. I finally told Aidan we had to go and the next thing I know he scampered up to the top of that sucker.... I mean non-stop climbing... go, go, go.... Whoa. Not cool, kiddo.... After all this time, now he decides to be Spidey Jr. and take off like a big boy running from his mama who is more than ready to leave. Why did he have to choose then to be so "normal"? So, so not cool... especially when I had to climb to the top of Space Mountain (seriously this sucker was so freaking tall) wiggling like an inch worm in small confined spaces back and forth just to get up to the top. I actually asked some lady I didn't know to watch my purse so I could tag after him because he was completely out of my sight and not coming out. I've have only had to chase him once before, but this really called for an intervention.

Once I got to the top and was swarmed by pint-sized pipsqueaks maneuvering around me, I still couldn't quite get to Aidan who was gleefully skipping off to other parts. (Nothing like seeing mama to give him an even extra dose of confidence up there, which was so not my plan.) I finally asked an older girl, who'd been pointing out which tunnel he was playing in so I could try to keep up with him from the ground, if she'd go down the big crazy slide with him. She obliged and I wiggled down the bottom again feeling like a big over sized dork. As soon as he came through that slide with a big grin plastered on his face, I nabbed him. Of course there was a little drama that ensued, but we did finally escape with minimal tears. What a relief!

After our Chick-Fil-A outing, I had an appointment at the audiologist's office to discuss all the problems I was having last week. I was soooooooooo blessed to get someone new that I absolutely hit it off with, and even more fortunate that my friend, Shelly (God bless her!!) showed up to entertain Aidan while I was back there. I had a great interpreter, Randy, who had never been to a mapping before so he was fascinated as well. Michelle, my new audiologist (and yes, she is taking over my case!!!) and I did a lot of in depth talking. I asked for a kick in the bass... (*giggling*... it's okay, doesn't rhyme, people!) I left with 4 new mapping programs based on what *I* wanted. Also, at one point before we started, she asked me if I'd like to meet someone there that was MUCH like me hearing-wise as well as her background with hearing loss (from childhood) and was there for her for her first mapping of her second implant. I was a little ho-hum... yeah, sure... bring her back but thinking I'd talked to so many people online and through their blogs that I didn't expect much new info.

Randy and I were sitting there waiting and just talking when the door opened. In came my hearing loss twin, and oh. my. gosh. Michelle introduced Angela, while I took a quick look at her face and instantly made the connection. I was so excited when I saw her that I started squealing, "ANGELA EARHART????????" Well, I caught her off guard and everyone else there. I jumped up and grabbed her hands saying, "Do you remember me??? (Angela=stunned, dazed and confused) Miss Deaf Iowa, top ten!!!! You were a chef for you talent!!! (part of her act, it was actually a kind of skit) Miss Deaf Tennessee *pointing to self who was NOT top ten* Miss Deaf America Pageant!!" Let the party begin. I had not seen her in 15 years, and she was, for those two weeks, one of my nearest and dearest friends during that insanely busy and stressful whirlwind adventure.

Angela is a celebrity around these parts. She was on this reality medical show based in Houston a few years called Houston Medical that was shown nationally (I think that is the correct name... need to google this...) Not only is Angela deaf, people, but she is an honest to God doctor. I taped her show for my high school students who used to whine about being deaf limiting them to like... oh......everything????

I, of course, bombarded her with giddiness while chattering away and then we compared notes on our experiences. She's been activated with number one for about 8 months, and it has been so much work for her. She's still getting there, and she still has an interpreter with her 24/7 at the hospital where she works. She will be soon be practicing at Methodist Hospital in Houston. She's such a fascinating, down to earth person.

Her husband is just fabulous. He is from Romania and spoke perfect English even though it is not his first language.... and .... get this... SIGNED!!!!!!!!!! My husband is so meeting this guy one day. Angela (and her husband) gave a great little pep talk and also a reality talk on what it's really like to have grown up deaf, oral, with hearing aids in regards to this fairly new experience with cochlear implants. Her husband gave some great tips on how my husband can help by identifying sounds I might hear in public and making me aware of them so I'll start to recognize them.

Angela is still learning, but she did say she is getting much better with speech, but still has a ways to go. The first two to three months were the hardest for her, but she got to a point where the CI was working well enough that the hearing aid in her other ear started sounding lousy. Interesting. Angela eventually had to leave and go see the surgeon (same one I have), and I had to get back to the business of mapping, but it was just too cool seeing her.

Before Angela had left for her doctor's appointment at another building, a staff member who'd heard our 1994 Miss Deaf America Pageant connection (I'm sure I was fairly loud) ran back to the room with a camera and snapped our picture. I couldn't have looked more "stay at home mom-ish thrown together in ten minutes", but I placed Angela's skinny butt slightly in front of me so I could hide a tiny bit and slapped on a smile (and prayed this picture doesn't show up on any newsletter! Darn it, where's a shiny tiara when you need one?! Nothing hides a few pounds like a tiara does... especially a shiny one...) Shelly and I did run into Angela and her husband one more time downstairs as we were all going our separate ways. She said that her new CI is just like starting over with the first one again. I guess it is just how we are hardwired? So much for the brain giving her a break after all this time listening with the other implant, but hopefully that one will catch up to the other quickly for her. I can't wait to hear more from her.

Back to the mapping, Michelle listened to me and played with the bass. I got a nice boost, but it sounded like just low tones in my head, not actual real life sounds. She did say my lowest mapping at P1 she programed, if it went any lower I wouldn't be hearing anything (but I'd still be getting stimulation on the auditory nerve if we did that though and it would be far better to wear it at P1 than not at all), so I didn't go any lower. She also slowed the rate down that I was hearing... and I have no idea what that means, but things weren't quite as hectic in my head. She told me that I might not hear the burner at home but to check it out. (Yes, I tried it out immediately after arriving home, several times, and still hear it.)

After a nice little visit where nothing seemed to change too much sound-wise except to be more tolerable and a little lower, my exhausted child and I headed to a party store to find Mickey Mouse invitations for his Chuck E. Cheese birthday celebration next month. I hope he doesn't suffer from mouse confusion, but at his age Chuck E. and Mickey probably look like long lost cousins, and he has more than enough love for them both. Of course he wouldn't leave the party store willingly without a balloon, and I was happy to find the Blue Clues mylar balloon on clearance for $1. Latex balloons are a big cause of choking in young children, and it terrifies me every time someone offers him one. He's just obsessed with balloons. I'm debating on whether an enormous Micky balloon tossed in with his Chuck E. Cheese balloons would look goofy, but he'll be two. It's Chuck E. Cheese. I'm pretty sure anything goes.

We went to the bakery to order his Mickey cake and then also walked over to Half Priced Books a few stores down. Whew. Why do I think that child can handle such excitement? I couldn't look at anything without a whole new shelf of books threatening to fall at his fingertips. I picked up one book after another he yanked out and finally settled on Duck For President (we have two books from this collection, and they make ME laugh every time I read them) and a small slew of Thomas books. I just couldn't concentrate beyond that as Aidan was into EVERYTHING.... He was also coughing and sniffling and draining from a cold that was getting worse by the hour.... We paid for our purchases and got out of there before I lost my mind further.

Walking to our car I saw my trunk was open for business. What the heck? I'm really losing it, and that wasn't the first time I've walked up to my car to find the trunk opened from accidentally hitting the trunk button on my remote. It would be nice if I could HEAR it pop open. My husband had work supplies stored back there, but I guess they didn't look too appealing as they were all intact. I walked back to put the trunk down, and right as it was shutting, I saw it. In slow motion but yet just a split second in time, my child's hand wandered to the open area of the car just as the trunk was flying down, and like the bionic woman (in super slow yet lightening fast motion), mama came to the rescue with her thumb, as the rest of the hand had no time to jump in and ouch. ouch. ouch. Holy Toledo. I grabbed Aidan who was tearing up but his hand was fine (thank you, Jesus, and thank you, thumb!) and then a second peek at my thumb that appeared to be slowly doubling in size and growing blue. Yes, I cried. Man, ouch! This mom business is dangerous stuff some days, and to think there is no combat pay. Just a side note to explain what a hero I am not.... I originally broke that thumb at 13 weeks pregnant playing co-ed softball with James. It ended my softball career with a trip to the ER and having to sit there and stupidly tell these people..."yes, I'm pregnant... yes, I was playing ball... now please don't hurt my child with x-rays." *eyeroll* In the grand scheme of things, what's a little thumb for your child's well-being? At least in that one moment I felt like I had used it for a better purpose than I had 2.5 years ago. *sheepish grin*

Later that evening Aidan and I went with James to run some work-related errands and to pick up fast food at Sonic as I was too drained to whip up anything in the kitchen. We were all wiped out from our mutual long days by the time we got home. However, I realized I had worked my way up to map #3 in ONE day. On a whim, I flipped on the last program to P4 and pulled out the left HA for the heck of it, and IT. HAPPENED. Yes! My husband sounded like a kidnapped Donald Duck stuck in a bag on the side of the road, but I heard HIM. I heard words!!!! Real actual conversation and not just beep-beep-beepity-beep. I really truly honestly heard the guy! I did a really silly dance, and my son was right behind me getting jiggy and turning in circles. So there ya have it... A little kick in the bass can go a long way, and I guess I had to learn to tolerate the lower programs in order to get to a point that the mappings could get to the speech range. James sounded absolutely horrible and muffled, hollow, BUT it was really the most beautiful sound I've heard since that child of mine started wailing in the operating room nearly two years ago after that really long silence (and probably his last silence at that.)

Earlier that afternoon, my audiologist said her goal for me when I came back in a few weeks was to get to P4, and I was working it a few hours later... What an ego boost for me, and I really needed it. I am really determined to work at this now. All I needed was something a little more than the clicking on the gas stove to get me out of my funk and into my groove. I'm really glad that day worked out the way it did from getting moral support and babysitting from one of my closest friends and moral support from a very unexpected, old friend, as well as a great new audiologist that listens to me and walks me through everything she's doing, while humoring all my questions and suggestions. What a super fabulous day!!

I HEARD THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-04-08T23:39:00.002-05:00

Finally, I heard something with my implanted ear that I've never heard with my hearing aid. I just heard the clicking noise the stove makes when turning the gas on. I'm really excited and don't care that I ended my last sentence with a preposition. My husband always tells me the stove is clicking because I forget to move the knob from "light" to "low". It made a very distinct "click, click, click" sound that I keep turning the knob to hear.

On the way home from Wal-mart tonight I heard my blinker. However, I didn't realize it, but I can hear it with my hearing aid if I'm stopped. Hearing it while I was driving was really cool. Oh, and my son coughed in the back seat. It was also very distinct and clear as if he were sitting next to me on the couch. The blinker and the coughing were easily heard by the HA and CI working in tandem, which is really the goal. Hearing the stove with just the implanted ear though??? Too awesome.

Baby steps, baby steps... :)

Watching AMERICAN IDOL with a Cochlear Implant - Take 2

2009-04-08T10:39:00.006-05:00

This last week has been pretty rough in terms of listening out of my right ear (and the word "listening" is used loosely.) My ear has been taken over by bells that only Edgar Allen Poe might have done justice describing. If I didn't have a fellow blogger in cyber space doing similar and only a week and half ahead of me in activation, I might be feeling a little more isolated right now. (Hi Kelly! :-) I know I'm not alone though, and my experience might be one of the slower success stories to be. I have no doubt I'll be a success story, I just didn't expect how much work and time would be involved before I got somewhere more productive, but like Teddy Roosevelt once said, "Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty. I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well."

From my casual observations so far, it seems like life long hearing aid users with severe to profound hearing loss having cochlear implant surgery as adult don't come out of early activation with the more exciting, quicker results of those deafened later in life. I haven't heard Donald Duck talking to me, distinguished the blinker in my car ticking away, and I've definitely not heard birds singing YET.

I'm wondering if most new adult cochlear implant users, in general, tend to be the later deafened and if that is why there seems to be much speedier rates of success when reading blogs in the CI community? I could be wrong, but it seems like most people choosing to have the surgery as an adult are not the ones that grew up with a severe-profound hearing loss using hearing aids and even more rare are the adults that not only lip read but use sign language as a mode of communication. Any thoughts on this? Please note, I did say MOST, as I'd be an exception to this myself as would Kelly, since we've both being hearing impaired forever and a day (and her blog is listed on the right side of this page and titled "Life is about Creating Yourself" and definitely worth checking out.) Also, I am in no way saying that those later deafened just breeze through the process. I think it's just one of those things where past experiences greatly affect early and overall success. I also think this is where some complaints come in that there's so much "hype" about initial success, when probably it's not so much hype as it is the actual experiences of a certain demographic and their triumphs with the implant.

Last night, I tuned in for my usual Tuesday night dose of American Idol. I actually enjoyed it more than any time since I had surgery. It's a little difficult to explain, but one quick way to sum it up is, I would have preferred to have my cochlear implant ON than off during last night's episode. There is no miracle on a grand scale to report, but on the small scale, I think God is helping me figure things out a little at a time and maybe granting me a bit more patience through this process.

So, what was different? For starters it was probably in my favor that they were singing songs from their birth years with the oldest (Danny) born in 1980 and the youngest (Allison) born in 1992, and those songs were definitely "old school" for me. On a side note, I can't believe I'm old enough now that years of my youth are considered recycled pop culture..... but moving on as I'd rather not dwell on that thought too long... happy thoughts...happy thoughts...... With only one hearing aid on post surgery, I've been pretty lost listening to the show on Tuesday nights, but I've kept trying regardless because I just love that ridiculous show. Last week was exhausting and annoying with the ringing in my right ear (and it just happened to be activation day #1.... oh... wait... so last night was the culmination of week one and I finally found something nice to say about it? Cool!)

Last night, I noticed that I wasn't feeling impatient or annoyed (unless it was directed at Simon's biased commentary.) The singing voices seemed to be richer and have more clarity. I was confused. What was different? I pulled the magnet off my head and numerous times, and the world would become a little too silent with only one hearing aid doing all the work. I'd pop it back on and the ringing would be back, that annoying ringing, but the volume and clarity of the song would increase just a little somehow, some way. I'd turn off my hearing aid and let the CI go solo, but my right ear (CI) just mocked my left ear (HA) for thinking such crazy thoughts. The ringing has become easier to tune out, even though I know that's me hearing things I don't have a clue how to sort yet, but together with my HA, the implant, seems to be providing the role of supporting actor... (a very small role, but we're getting somewhere nonetheless.)

I think I'm going to play the show back on DVR today and see if I still feel the same about the clarity I felt last night. Just a little disclaimer though, I did use the captions and having heard most of those songs for years also helped. Then again, AI isn't known for showcasing anything remotely modern in song choices most of the time, and I usually do know several of the songs being sung on any given week. In fact, if I don't know something, it seems like that is when Simon will call someone indulgent. Go figure. It's such a pet peeve of mine.... if the kids sing something different on the show, it's indulgent, but Simon doesn't hesitate to complain how karaoke his non-chosen ones sound singing the same old, same old done to death songs... Maybe another show I'll write a post venting about even more hypocrisies on the show, like how Kris was told to be more like the original and the next song Lil was told she was too much like the original. I'm still reeling from whiplash, but it's a frequent side effect of too much American Idol anyway.

I am curious if any other deaf/hard of hearing CI or hearing aid users watch the show, and your thoughts. Anybody else get ticked off when the word "deaf" gets thrown around a little too lightly on the show or the message boards to make a dig at the singers, judges or other audience members who disagree on what they heard? I think the new judge was the last one to use it on the show, and my husband looked at me quickly only to see me baring fangs and snarling. I ceased before I got foamy and slobbery though.

Feel free to add your two cents about the advantages/disadvantages of being implanted after being late deafened or as a life-long card carrying member of the deaf and hard of hearing world.... and PLEASE feel free to snark or praise anything remotely related to your American Idol viewing and especially, "hearing" experience.

My baby is sick! :-(

2009-04-06T01:20:00.003-05:00

The poor little guy.... Aidan's temperature was 101.5 tonight. He's been rubbing both of his ears all day, and we've been battling chronic ear infections for months now. We thought they had cleared up, but now it seems they are back with a temperature. I'm so frustrated for him.

Aidan has been going to Texas Children's Hospital to see a specialist since last year off and on for frequent infections. We have tried numerous ear drops, but almost every time we've gone back for a follow up, he still has an infection. What really stinks about those visits is they usually swaddle him and hold him down so they can look in his ear, and he will cry and scream like a banshee. Bless his heart... I swear I'm a hot mess myself not being able to do anything for him except talk to him quietly, while he stares in my eyes crying furiously unable to move. He has gotten to the point that seeing any doctor (or having his hair cut even) is a complete drama because he's still terrorized by the swaddling and poking and prodding he's been through. The last time we went in February to see his ENT, he was given the all clear finally. He has some funky colored blue and and green prescription ear molds he wears in the bathtub every night too help keep the infections at bay since his infections seem to be at least partly related to water and soap in the ear. He will bring them to me every night to put in his ears with no issues, but tonight he said "ow" when I first tried to put them in his ears. I'll have to call tomorrow and see if we can get squeezed in this week.

We've been blessed with a child with near bionic hearing... He hears EVERYTHING! I think of him as my hearing ear child because he has a way of letting me know what's going on around us. It's impossible to sneak off from him because he can hear the slightest turn of a doorknob (and oh the drama and tears if anyone leaves the house without him!!!) I can't believe my husband, who has classic selective listening skills like most men I know, *ahem*, and I, deaf as a doorknob, were blessed with a child so healthy that could hear just about anything. I especially love it when we are in the house, and he can hear a train whistle over a mile away or in the evenings when he lets me know his daddy is home, sometimes before James is even in the door.

I just don't want to risk Aidan losing any hearing from these repeated infections, and I know that now he has a fever I'm going to be calling first thing tomorrow and begging for a check up a.s.a.p. I was three years old before my hearing loss was detected. My mother had rubella when she was pregnant with me, but I am inclined to think that the high fevers I had after being sick with multiple childhood illnesses caused most of my hearing loss due to my age at detection and the fact I'd started acquiring language prior to detection. So, I'm inclined to be extra cautious and paranoid about any fevers Aidan has at this age, especially when he's rubbing and pulling on his ears.

On a side note.... the ringing lives on in my implanted ear five days after activation, although I'm learning to co-exist with it. I made an appointment for Thursday this week for a follow up with a different audiologist to see if some adjustment can be made for my sanity. My brain is completely lost, dazed and confused without a clue what to do. If nothing else, I might be able to turn the volume down on program one, but I'd really like to get a boost in the bass sounds. I'm not sure if that's something I can request since I tried to ask my regular audiologist for that last week, and she didn't really respond to it beyond saying she'd already mapped me by what I "told" her when she tested me. *blowing raspberries*

Activation: Part Two.... the drama continues...

2009-04-04T01:16:00.005-05:00

Well, I feel like a drama queen with all my "woe unto me" tales of the first two days of mapping and beyond. Nonetheless I'll carry on with the story for anyone interested in hearing me moan about it even more.

Why does it make me feel so tired to just think about activation and having the implant on? I have to turn it off to write, and right now the right side of my world is heavily silent but much relieved at the same time for the break. Silence has never been so still as it is after a busy day with the .... hmmmm... what's a new way to describe today's listening pleasure??? Okay.. so silence has never been so still as it is now after a busy day wearing the device that sounds like a squealing microphone with feedback in a huge cafeteria bouncing off the tiles and walls (the kind where baffled students pause everywhere to grab their heads flinching at the inflicted agony upon their ears.... Seriously, can you tell I used to teach?)

I'm four days (and a few hours) past the initial activation, and I've finally decided to leave my map for most of today at P1 (the quietest level, which is actually an oxymoron to call it quiet at all.) If I accidentally hit anything higher than P2, it's very much like that painful squealing microphone so I'm not pushing it. As it is, I'm adjusting to the high pitch squealing a little in that I can finally ignore it somewhat, but I'm not really picking up anything specific sound related that doesn't sound like bell or whistle ringing. If I read James' lips it seems like I'm getting a little something in there with the din of the ringing, BUT my brain has a way of hearing when it's really not if I am at close range to speech read, so I just don't know.

Anyway, stepping back to the night of initial activation, I finally took my CI off for the day around the time I went to bed. My brain was highly overstimulated. When I tried to sleep the strangest thing happened. I'd start drifting off and I'd have vivid dreams that would jar me awake before I was even fully asleep. Every time I started and was stunned to find that I wasn't really somewhere else and was actually in my bed. The room would spin a bit (motion sick feeling) and I'd slowly go back to sleep only to jump up again with the feeling I was somewhere else in the world. The splicing dreams were like a kaleidoscope of images and places and conversations swirling in my head making me extremely anxious. I finally told James I thought I was flipping out. He patted me on the back and reassured me, but I just couldn't stop tossing and turning and shut my mind off. As tired as I was from wearing the processor all day, my mind was working overtime from the shock to my system. I got out of bed, went to the computer and wrote my CI email group. They've all been supportive and just getting up and telling them I was going batty was therapeutic, and I was finally able to get some sleep after sending the email. I told them I felt like I was being taking over by a symbiote that lives in towers with ringing church bells of the thundering variety. (I'd just watched Spiderman 3, so don't be impressed with the word "symbiote" being used in my blog, if you even were impressed... :) If they thought I was loony tunes they haven't let on, and I've gotten so many responses from them with advice and encouragement in the last few days. They are a great group of people, and I really appreciate that they have and continue to humor me.

The next morning James had arranged for Aidan to spend the day at a daycare near us that he'd gone to a few times before when James was in the hospital. When Aidan came in to tell me goodbye, I was sans glasses, hearing aid, and CI... 100% Helen Keller mode. I told him I loved him, and the little stinker told me for the first time ever that he loved me and gave me a big sloppy kiss. I had not a clue what he said. James told me. Of course he hasn't said it again at any time that I've been plugged in and in tune with the world, but I cherished the moment regardless and felt extra bad sending him away for the day.

Aidan is not a fan of going to daycare whatsoever. To make matters worse, the daycare is next to one of Aidan's favorite places in the world, McDonald's. The poor baby was so excited at the prospect of his daddy taking him to McDonald's (or Donald's as Aidan calls it). When he saw where he was really going he just lost it. James took him into the daycare screaming and crying... and James had to leave quickly after taking him to the breakfast area so Aidan could transition and calm down. This is how I know this is indeed my child. He called after his daddy yelling, "SHOPPING! SHOPPING!" Had I been there I might have snatched him up and run away to the mall or Walmart. He loves shopping at Walmart because Walmart always has a "Donald's" in the house. Oh, I love that baby!!!

James went to work for a little while and then came home to pick me up for the second appointment. We arrived to find not one, but TWO interpreters waiting for me. Don't you love it? It was a mix-up, but I was covered. Only one ended up staying, and Sophie was great. The whole appointment went so much more smoothly. James and my friend, Shelly, were both sitting behind me for moral support. No chaos... no drama... straight to business... more listening.... more mapping... Audiologist was more pleasant. We went over all the equipment in the box... the cords, the batteries, the paperwork. It was pretty straight forward. There wasn't much change as far as how the CI sounded to me after the second day of mapping but having an interpreter there for anything I missed made me feel a lot less dazed, confused and frustrated.

Before I left, I went to the sound booth for a quick test. It was just the usual dinging and ringing sounds. I was no where near testing speech of course. When I saw the audiogram a few minutes later, I almost passed out. All I can say is... holy smokes... Even without having a clue what's going on with all the ringing and buzzing and whatnot, I was hearing sounds across the audiogram between 15-40db (it goes up and down in that range across the audiogram in a zigzag pattern). I have a sloping loss that completely wipes out and goes off the charts, so that is just dumbfounding to me. That also explains why I'm losing my mind. My brain hasn't got a clue what it's been hit with this week with those piercing high frequencies. I'll post my audiogram soon since I'm not explaining it all that accurately, but you probably get the idea. I must say I choked up a bit, and when I showed it to Shelly (also a former deaf ed teacher) I don't think she knew whether to jump up and down or cry.... so I think she was doing a bit of both.

That afternoon James and I picked up our little angel (with the lopsided halo) and were told he'd been telling the staff "bye bye" since noon. He was thrilled to see us, and we took him out to eat as a treat. No one felt like cooking anyway. No, we didn't make it to Donald's place, but I think the little guy was perfectly content just hanging out with his parental units.

Activation: Part One

2009-04-02T13:52:00.032-05:00

Activation....

So, just what has it been like for me? Bells... lots and lots of bells... and nothing but bells. At first it was like standing in church tower with the bell clanging overhead and getting knocked around with the vibrations. Then, it was "reduced" to sounding like loud, mad, and ferocious wind chimes inside my head... just the constant tinkle tinkle of sounds times a thousand. Finally, it got to a point where it sounded like carrying on a conversation during a fire drill with someone 50 feet away and a hundred screaming teenagers between us. (If you've taught high school, you know what I mean!) Now, two days later, I've settled with the emergency broadcast signal continuously ringing all day long in my ear.

*****Disclaimer... this is a grumpy and cranky post. It gets better, but just not on this post... if you need some happy, light reading, skip this. :-) *****

I have a constant headache from the ringing, and it feels like I just got off of one of those gravity defying, death defying, spinning, nauseating rides at the carnival after eating two hotdogs, cheese fries, a shake, and cotton candy. Every tap on the key board is like the poor dog and the electric fence.. zap... zap... Why do I keep doing this to myself? ... and zap... Now, that I have elaborately described my utter misery with this fascinating life changing device and what a hero I am for typing at this moment (and did I mention the lawn guy is outside the window right now mowing), let me find my Wonder Woman cape and begin. (I know... eyes are rolling out there)...

Monday night, I went to bed feeling fine, but I couldn't go to sleep for anything. It was crazy as I only had about two hours total by the time morning came. On the way to the appointment, I found myself snapping at my poor husband and apologizing. James knew I was overly anxious and jittery, so he was more concerned about my emotional state going into the mapping than me being a bit snarly.

We arrived at the hospital where, unfortunately, I had no interpreter. They said I didn't ask for one, but the doctor's office gave me my appointments with them. I'd had interpreters for my surgery and just lamely thought I had one set up for activation. My friend, Becky, who works with the babies in a local deaf education program, came too. Aidan was with us since we didn't have a babysitter. We all got set up in the audiologist's office. I was hooked up to the computer and turned on. At first all I felt was a buzzing vibe and gradually some piercing beeps. It was not going to be a "Oh, baby, you can hear!!!!!!!" kind of moment (or day). I had to listen and listen and listen for sounds... and they were so quiet! I thought my brain was going to fall out while I was digging down there to hear something.

Meanwhile, Aidan played quietly for a few minutes with the quiet toys he loved the night before... He started getting chatty and acting like an almost 2 year old. *sigh* I knew that was going to happen. Meanwhile, my husband was standing due to lack of space and checking text messages (moving around) while I was listening for beeps. Are you laughing yet? I was so distracted. I finally was like.. "JAMES!!!" and then doing the cut throat motion. He was so sorry... poor guy! I must say my loyal hubby was awesome playing the paparazzi with the camera and video and trying to get a record of it, but it was just so crowded in there, it wasn't working. Please don't ask for video because I'd be embarrassed to show the world what a circus was going on in there and how cranky I was getting. Finally at some point, James apologized to Becky and me and said he was going to take Aidan out. That was really depressing because it had been important to me that James be there, and he'd taken the afternoon off at work to do so. He left at that point to take care of Aidan and couldn't come back in the office for the rest of the visit. I could finally concentrate better though, and James took Aidan to the cafeteria for corndogs and cake. I'm sure that was a lot more fun anyway. :)

A really big problem for me on Tuesday was communicating with my audiologist. She's the no-nonsense, extremely professional, and let's get to business already type of personality while I'm much more laid back and used to conversation that flows on both sides. Most questions I asked were greeted with... "and I'll get to that." I finally got to the point that I was too uncomfortable to ask any questions. I'm more used to working with men audiologists with big loud personalities, who listen to everything I say, give me feedback, and can crack a joke once in a while.

When she switched me from the test on the computer to actively listening with the external processor it was a shock to my system. The bells and beeps were all running all over each other and didn't stop. I couldn't wear my hearing aid in the other ear, and with all the racket in my head, I was supposed to lip read. Now all of a sudden the audi was talking a million miles an hour. It really felt like a torture test. I get motion sickness very easily and that's what all the bells and whistles were making me feel like. I finally realized that all the beeps and bells had a pattern. Each syllable would beep. There's a slight pause between sentences and some sounds would last longer than others depending on the rate of speech. That still didn't make it comfortable, but it was interesting. I wish I could say the words sounded like something other than beeps. Personally, I was really rooting tooting for Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck to make an appearance...instead it was more like bats in the belfry with church bells thundering. I did finally in the midst of the bells make out some actual sounds which was kind of exciting but the ringing just overwhelmed me.

My audi mapped one program at four different volume levels. We went over the equipment. At one point, I went out to the hall where Aidan was running James ragged. I wanted to see how they sounded. I actually made out Aidan saying, "hi mommy!" It wasn't an earth shattering moment, and I can understand him much better with the hearing aid right now. It's going to take time before I get that ah-ha moment. (Did I really just quote Oprah?)

It was good having Becky there because she occasionally she filled in the blanks when I couldn't understand. She's a teacher though and not a professional interpreter. The information was so technical and there was so much of it, I know I missed a lot. I did my best to lip read and follow. I requested an interpreter for the next day, and that brought a lot of drama that I didn't see coming. I was told I had to ask two weeks in advance by the audiologist and director, but I insisted that it was too much information for me to grasp without one, and they said whether I had an interpreter or not it was important I was there the next day. I felt bad about the confusion that day by not having an interpreter, but it was not without frustration and even tears at one point. Then I was told I could have one the following day but it was going to cost them twice as much. My head was really hurting at that point when I felt the pressure to decline the interpreter, but I was thinking of a local activist that would tell my students to stand up for their rights to understand and have an interpreter at all medical appointments. Her motto that she has kids repeat is "my mother is not my interpreter." She will have the say it again and again like a rally cry. It's funny but they were all in high school and needed to know that when they went in the big world they had a right to accessibility, and I knew I did too. Becky isn't my mother, but it isn't fair to make her interpreter either. I held my ground and said I'd really like one, but the situation was uncomfortable.

Finally two and a half hours after we started, we broke for the day. Except for a nap I had to take when we got home, I wore my CI til late that night, even through American Idol. Of course I had my hearing aid on too. Otherwise the singing just sounded like a hand bell concert gone wild.

I'm going to conclude part one here, but let me say that the next day was a big improvement when I went back for the second mapping... It was like night and day... interpreter included, baby in daycare, moral support sitting behind me, and a hearing test.

Stay tuned... this is as much as the bells and I can handle rehashing for now.

Just 12 Hours to Activation... :) WOOT!

2009-03-31T00:08:00.009-05:00

I'm so excited tonight about what tomorrow afternoon will bring when my cochlear implant is FINALLY activated! I thought we had a babysitter for the little guy but not happening. James has a friend that's been in the construction field with him for several years and still works for James occasionally. He's a little rough around the edges, but he named his very beloved cocker spaniel, Princess. Go figure. He's a guy's guy with a big heart, and always a story to tell. Aidan adores his dog, Princess, and loves playing with her. It's a bit of a bummer that he couldn't babysit.

So, in the spirit of pure toddler bribery tomorrow afternoon, I went on a mini shopping spree at Toys R Us and Half-Priced Books tonight. I found some interesting and seriously over priced toddler snacks... some salty, some sweet but most importantly low in sugar (because this child leaps off walls like Spiderman after too much sugar but give him just enough and he's sweet as...well, pie.. no pun intended.) The only exception would be the PEZ Mickey Mouse because we LOVE Mickey Mouse in this house. Okay, and I'll throw in a couple of lollipops too, but desperate times and all that...

I picked up a Doodle Pro *fingers crossed it will hold Aidan's attention for a minute* as well as some farm animal figurines. He was only so-so interested in his plastic barnyard in a jar. It would probably pointless to bring them when the cows and pigs will probably be caught loitering among the equipment or under the audiologist's feet with Aidan right behind them (and I'm pretty sure she's too serious to be amused by that.)

The real winner was the Thomas the Train peel and stick book from Half-Priced Books for $5. Who knew? Aidan, my darling son, sat by me quietly playing... just peeling and sticking and peeling and sticking some more while James and I watched tonight's complete episode of Dancing with the Stars. (Note to reader... I have never used the words "Aidan" and "quietly" in the same sentence until tonight.) He hasn't sat beside me on the couch for more than a few minutes, if even that long, since he figured out how to wiggle and roll practically the day after he was born. (Did I mention he was eleven days late? I swear he came out and ordered a happy meal!)

I hope tomorrow brings the same sweet quiet behavior so his daddy and adopted Aunt Becky can relax and stay put for moral support. I'm also hoping since Aidan is going to be with us, that I can hear his voice first, even if he says "burgers and COKE!" sounding like the love child of Wall-E and Fran Drescher . Okay, I'm a little choked up at the thought... and I don't do sappy if I can help it (which is rarely... I'm too sentimental at heart, but you didn't hear that from me. ;-)

Last, but not least, by this time tomorrow night I will have seen my first episode of American Idol while activated. I am hoping they don't all sound like love childs of ducks on helium, robots, nasal nannies, and whales bellowing under water. Note to self... keep expectations simple. You didn't buy that either, did you? ;)

Stay tuned!

Put Your Hands Up in the Air! It's Shelly's Birthday!

2009-03-29T01:06:00.005-05:00

Today was an adventure. My friend, Shelly, had a birthday, so Becky and I made plans to go to dinner tonight with her at Gringo's. James and Darrell (Shelly's husband) were "allowed" to come but had to sit at the end of the table across from each other so they could male bond while Shelly, Becky, and I tried to catch up on everything under the sun at the other end of the table, and Aidan was left with a babysitter at Shelly's house with James, her son, and no tears!!! Woo hoo, Aidan!

Shelly, Becky, and I became friends through our weekly happy slash venting hours for a couple of years while we were teaching... 5 years, 6 years ago?? We could spend hours talking and the sun would go down as we sat on the deck at "the boat" (Sam's Boat...fun place!) Between work and our personal lives outside of work we never ran out of topics. Becky still teaches the babies and loves it, but I left deaf education when I got married in 2005, and Shelly left a few months before her son, James, was born in 2007.

So anyway, tonight was a great getting to catch up, eating Mexican food, and drinking margaritas kind of night. *sigh* I miss our happy hours and dinners from back in the day. Both of them were in my wedding, and they threw my cowboy themed baby shower for my eleven day late mini cowpoke. They straightened out my dazed and confused self tonight, when I told them my first mapping is this Wednesday, the 31st. Nope, Tuesday is the 31st... and color me thrilled... American Idol, I'm going to be ready for you Tuesday night! (I'm really optimistic about the first mapping if you can't tell.) Becky is going to try to make the first mapping, and Shelly wants to try to come on the 1st, my second appointment, the next day. I adore them. If you guys are reading this... I MISS YOU, darn it!!! :-)

Before we went to dinner tonight, James, Aidan, and I went shopping at Kohl's. We had to check out by 2pm to get an extra discount, and darned if James wasn't in line for at least 10 minutes only to be checked out a minute or two after 2pm without getting the discount. It must've taken 20 minutes or more to get it all straightened out and have the register re-rigged to give us our discount. With a lively, opinionated toddler in tow, it feels like double the amount of time.

Then we took Aidan to McDonald's at lunch with a big indoor playground to burn some energy and eat "burgers and COKE!" as he screamed pulling up in the parking lot. Where does he get this stuff??? James climbed up the maze (to the ceiling) with Aidan and through the tunnels. Then, on their way down the slide, James got STUCK in the slide. Aidan jumped ship and went down without him. Little Turkey Butt, but oh so brave! Fortunately, James worked his way down and looked a little wounded... (his ego and physically... poor guy! ;-)

We went to my hair appointment at 3:30. I haven't had it cut in 3 months, and it's been over half a year since I had it professionally highlighted. My hairdresser had booked 3 or 4 appts at once and was running ragged between a perm, coloring, and haircuts BEFORE she even threw me in the mix about 20 minutes later. I told her I had to be out by 5:30, which she agreed to before I sent James and Aidan on their way, only to not finish until after 6:00 (when we had 7:00 dinner plans across town) because she started so late and had too much going on at once. I showed her pics of subtle highlights that didn't look like bright blond zebra stripes which scare me, and lo and behold, I came out looking like I had bright blond zebra stripes. Not to mention, I told her I'd just had surgery and she raked the metal pick side of the comb right down my incision while doing highlights... oh. my. gosh. That was extremely painful! She apologized, but how does she forget something THAT important? I also gave her very clear details on how I wanted my hair cut because I wanted to grow it out. She nodded and then long pieces of hair were falling left and right on my salon apron/jacket thingie. I'm sure there's a word for it but so not important. What's important is I can barely pull my hair back in a ponytail holder (which is esstential for Houston's heat and humidity in my humble opinion.) She told me that my hair looked beautiful, and honestly it is a nice cut, and she did tone down the color, but my hair length is gone. *sniff*

Sometimes I think many deaf people can hear/comprehend more than some hearing people because we actively try to pay attention to what's going on around us. We're mostly a visual group and can pick up a lot of clues that hearing people tend to miss. If you want to know how somebody REALLY feels about something, ask a deaf person who has been observing. I hate it when someone with perfect hearing has highly selective hearing, especially when they use it on me... *boo*hiss*.... (I won't mention my husband's tendancy to do that, since I have him "trained" to listen to me MOST of the time now. :0) Oh yeah, I went there.)

I will never go back to my hair stylist on a Saturday again, and if I even go back is questionable. I have a history of "firing" my stylists after too many screw ups and then searching madly around town for someone better... There's 1, 2, 3 and hmmm.. now maybe 4 stylists I finally had to break up with since I've moved to Houston after utter frustration. My friend, Anna, used to follow me to whoever I found because she knew I was super picky. Every time I told her so and so is fired, she'd sigh and ask me "well, where are we going now?" That was always funny because she hated answering questions to said stylist about why I abruptly stopped coming for appointments, so she just divorced the stylist too. I'm not as fussy anymore... I mean please, I'm not a single girl on the town every Saturday night anymore, unless you count Chuck E Cheese, but I do have some standards.... like, don't hurt me. Don't whack my hair off, and please no bleached out stripes in my hair, and get me out of the salon at the time you promised.

Anyway, James and I ran home to change after my appointment and were rushing to get out the door 10 minutes later to make it to Shelly's on time, but then her husband was late getting home from a frisbee golf tournament (where he won 2nd place today! Go Darrell!) The babysitter didn't arrive until 7:00, so Shelly and Becky planned, at the last minute, to meet for dinner at 7:30 instead of 7:00. We finally touched base with Shelly about 15 minutes away from her house to find all that out, and we were so relieved to find out everyone was running behind. We could finally relax. When the 3 of us get together, one of us is always late. They like me because they think I'm the worst one, and I make them look good.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SHELLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tonight was so much fun! ~~xoxo~~

A Case of Mistaken Identity

2009-03-23T11:28:00.013-05:00

I've been meaning (and forgetting) to post about the case of an interpreter's mistaken identity for several days, but as is apparent in this blog, my memory is not ginkgo enhanced.

In my second post on this blog I mentioned Emily, my interpreter for my cochlear implant surgery. Emily worked as a substitute interpreter (temporary hire from an agency) on occasion when our deaf education program's regular interpreters were out for the day. I mentioned how she was there before (she was) and after surgery (she wasn't). I also mentioned in that blog post the picture we had made together.... no, I've not uploaded any pictures from that day yet to my computer (I really wasn't looking so hot, so no rush to share with the world yet), and I refuse to upload the video because I look like a cast member from Celebrity Rehab rolling up to the first day of treatment minus the cosmetically enhanced lips and Lincoln Navigator.

So, anyway.... I looked through James' camera at the pictures the other day. I got to the picture of "Emily" and me and had this puzzled expression on my face. Me: uh, who is this? This isn't Emily. James: Well, no, that's your interpreter from when you were in labor. They switched out while you were in surgery. Me: Say what????????? ....and that is how confounded, dazed and confused a little morphine will make a soul. I spent a couple weeks telling this story a few times and thinking all the while my interpreter, Emily, was there for me the whole day. I just have to laugh because I had no clue my interpreter from nearly two years before, when I was in labor, was there again in the recovery room after my cochlear implant surgery. Even though I had video talking with her and a picture sitting with her posing before we left the hospital, I had no idea. I remember seeing the picture with "Emily" after surgery and initially thinking that she looked a lot different than I remembered but shrugged it off since I was on serious pain meds and still feeling the after effects of all the morphine I'd had that day.

Let me back up.... When I was in labor in May 2007, I had 3 interpreters there all day that came in shifts. The first two seemed kind of at loss with an oral deaf chick who could hold her own most of the time. I have to force myself to look at interpreters sometimes when I'm in a situation that I can handle orally because I feel really bad about somebody being hired for my benefit and then not using them. Unfortunately, I don't know if I can handle a situation through speechreading (and patient staff members who will take the time to enunciate clearly without overdoing it), or if I need pull out the stops with all of the above and sign language too, until I'm actually in the situation. Plus, any time I'm in severe pain or just doped up (in a legal manner of course) I really need an interpreter there.

My water broke around 4am that morning, and that evening, many hours later, when my third interpreter showed up I was having a rough time. It only got rougher that evening when my young and seemingly inexperienced nurse decided to turn off my epidural ENTIRELY (when I was 10cm...grr...) without discussing it with James or me so I could FEEL my contractions more because SHE decided I wasn't pushing hard enough.... *boo*hiss* WHO DOES THAT??????? Yow!!! It took TWO hours for the anesthiologist to get back to my room and turn it on, and he was ticked with her to say the least and had no qualms with giving her what-for in front of my family and me. Normally I would have been appalled, but this is one of those times when I think the chewing out was warranted. Plus, there was a full moon out that night so the hospital maternity section was bombarded, and my anesthiologist barely had time to come back. (Anyone doubting this full moon theory should do some research. I kidded with my doctor about the theory that more women give birth during the full moon, and he said it was true as did the hospital staff that was running frazzled that night.) Meanwhile, I was the screaming banshee you will often see on tv or in the movies yelling at my husband, "IF YOU LOVE ME, YOU'LL DO SOMETHING NOW! OOOOOOOOOOWWW!! PLEEEASE HELP ME!!" I stopped short at telling him it was all his fault because that line has been overused for years on tv ...and yes, I was also the chick that showed up originally declining the epidural so I could go natural. I made it through 4 cm and a round of Demerol before I gave in to the epi! *giggle*snort* (To my credit though, I was given Pitocin to get labor going and artificially enhanced contractions aren't exactly a walk in the park, even though Jessica Alba will say contractions are only like bad cramps... for real, Jessica???)

The final interpreter that came in for labor was an angel in disguise. She was just what the doctor should have ordered and lucky me, she came when I needed her most. She was really sweet, and she had four kids herself so she felt very at home interpreting in that environment. At some point though she went from interpreter to interpreter-slash-coach. That will almost never happen with an interpreter from an agency as most are so by the book and all about straight interpreting, but I got to the point that I was almost out of my mind and ready to throw in the towel or jump out of the window (and I would have if I were on the first floor! :-) My pain, when that nurse turned off the epi, was out of this world! I want to howl just thinking about that night sometimes. So my new "coach" would hold my knees and sign counting to ten to help me with the breathing exercises. She was so calm and so positive and really helped center me. Finally after many hours of pushing... I think it was about 8 hours of actively pushing... (I'm stubborn like that... I didn't want to have a c-section!) we were coming up to 24 hours after my water broke. Aidan just wasn't going anywhere no matter how hard I pushed and I had had been fully dilated and effaced at 10 cm.... It was a lost cause. I was completely exhausted and was in tears I couldn't get him out without surgery. I can't even begin to imagine how many women have been in that situation before modern medicine was equipped to intervene.

My interpreter was so supportive and walked beside me to the surgery room door to interpret any last minute details. Fortunately, James was scrubbed and by my side quickly in the operating room. Almost 24 hours to the minute after my water broke, Aidan was with us. I should add that when he came out the room was eerily silent. I could only see James' face and for a second he looked scared to death, until he remembered I was watching his face. We were both holding our breath, and I knew the doctors were working on Aidan..... and then I heard it, his voice screaming.... the most beautiful sound I had ever ever and I do mean EVER heard in my life. James brought him to me, and oh, wow, he was breath-taking. We couldn't believe we made such a gorgeous baby, and we knew we were blessed. After the staff weighed Aidan, James looked at me astounded and repeated "nine pounds and two ounces". Our doctor had just told us two days before that he weighed 7 pounds and change, but since he was 11 days late and I was looking more and more like a Goodyear blimp, I didn't really believe him. So here was our kiddo, absolutely gorgeous with a giant conehead from where his big head was stuck at the birth canal entrance. It didn't matter how he showed up or how pointy his head was, we were just glad he was finally here.

Once Aidan was cleaned up, he went with his daddy and nurse to the nursery. My interpreter was still there! She didn't want to leave without seeing Aidan once, the little guy that she did her part to make his arrival in the world a little smoother than it would have been without her, even though she had probably been off duty for at least an hour. At this point it was probably pushing 6am, and she'd been there since early the evening before. What a trooper and great interpreter/coach she'd been for us. Here's the thing.... I was so drugged, I couldn't remember her name a week later. It has bothered me ever since. Then here were are twenty two months later, and once again, she's there to fill in the gaps, and I think she's Emily! James feels bad that he can't recall her name either. *sigh* Maybe one day I'll see her when I am actually sober for a change. I'll have to admit I can't remember her name, but at least I can refer her to this post so she'll know that I don't need ginkgo to appreciate what she has done for me!

My Life is an Extended Blooper Reel

2009-03-20T01:41:00.004-05:00

This has been a weird kind of week..... It's one of those times where if I would just sit down and capture all the details on paper (or computer more likely) I might have started a true life comedy and best seller. No, nothing overly thrilling... but just the usual tales of the bloopers that make up my life. My friends humor me and tell me my stories are fabulous, but I'm pretty sure they mean that in a "and thank God it's you and not me" kind of way.

Where to start?? Last Saturday we took Aidan to the Houston Livestock and Rodeo. It is truly one of my favorite times of the year. I LOVE the rodeo. It was raining and the first day of spring break for all of Houston and the surrounding areas. We should've known it would be a zoo, literally, with a gazillion children in line for the petting zoo, pony rides, the cow barn, and even the exhibition areas with animals since the outside carnival was closed down. First we get there and go see the pigs. Aidan took off with James hot on his heels down the piggy lane... petting each pig for a hot second before taking off for the next. That child kills me. I have video of trying to keep up with him as I was pushing his stroller while he takes the occasional peek over his shoulder to see how close we are to catching up with him as he zigzags around the crowds. Then I took him to the petting zoo and he ran from goat to goat wrestling (again... literally) the poor things with his ferocious and maiming hugs. He ran up to a big ole llama and stuck his hand in its eyes and mouth.... then he pulled on the ears of a litter of tiny baby goats. I got more than one dirty look zipping behind him with the Flip camera while pulling him back from loving on the animals so intensely. We also took him through the barn where there were all kinds of big cows and bulls/steers, and a variety of goats and pigs. His dad thinks he is reliving his 4-H days by showing us how he can moo to a cow and get the cow to moo back. See, it's not me Aidan gets all the weirdness from, people! (His dad once raised a pig only to find out it was underweight before competition. PETA would probably love to know he bloated his pig up on water from a hose so he'd qualify to compete and eventually even place...) I also have James mooing on tape. I am ready to activate this implant already so I can get the full listening experience from the video. Aidan watched James in fascination. James left the building, and meanwhile Aidan walked up to a pig who started to nibble on his hand. I don't think Aidan liked that too much and was looking at his snotty looking hand in disdain. I couldn't believe he drew the line at slurping pigs on his fingers. We also took Aidan to the rabbit exhibit. *BIG EYEROLL* What did my son do?? Well first there was a big rabbit a lady was holding that Aidan started tugging on...hard. Said lady was not a happy camper. I moved him along to the next lady who was holding a gerbil, and my darling son snatched that gerbil right out of her hand and tossed the poor thing on the table. just. like. that. opps. Again, dirty look and I moved him along to the caged rabbits he, fortunately, couldn't touch. I was extremely grateful to James for taking Aidan with him for about 30 minutes and giving me the card to go shopping. I left with a new purse, wallet, turquoise/silver ring and bracelet. A totally fabulous reward for my hard work already that day. The last thing we did before we walked out of the rodeo was take him on his first pony ride. That was just really darned cool. I walked behind him filming it all only to find out it either wasn't on correctly or it was accidently deleted. Well, his proud papa stood on the side and made pictures every time Aidan came around. Aidan had no interest in posing and was completely engrossed in the pony experience. I guess with papa and mamarazzi like he has tailing him in public for almost two years, he's been forced to just tune us out in order to enjoy his life.

Tuesday, Aidan and I went on a long long walk. We walked to my father in law's house to say hello and feed the ducks, but they weren't home. Every time we walked past one of the manmade lakes on our walk over, Aidan threw a hissy fit to get out and feed his ducks. I turned around and went back to the park where we blew bubbles, played on the swings and slides (which I totally forgot to ask Dr. McReynolds about... as I'd read plastic slides and cochlear implants can be a lethal combination... well lethal for the CI... not me personally...) and then I followed his happy slappy self trotting off to the duck pond where we sat by the pond feeding the ducks. It was a classic Hallmark visit to our local park on a beautiful spring day... until that happy slappy little goofball jumped up and ran pellmell for the pond with me just one step behind him. The next thing I knew we were at the edge before I could reach him, and just as I grabbed him I lost my footing and *kerplunk* we both went flying in with the fishes, turtles and ducks (who all fled from us at this point.) I was stunned. Aidan was shellshocked. I stood there in my beautiful new tennis shoes up to my knees in water and holding my child who looked at me all sentimental, teary, and sputtering. Yes, there were other people there at a distance. I'm sure they had to have seen us, but they left us alone in that very awkward, uncomfortable, wet moment as we stood in the shallow pond water. If there was one saving grace it was that the water wasn't any deeper than it was. I had to grab a tree root to haul us up as the drop off to the pond is quite sudden with no slope to tread up on and out of the water easily, and I immediately put my dripping wet and unusually silent and still child in his stroller. Then I sloshed home about half a mile soaking wet with dirty knees silently steaming. When we got home I peeled off his stinky clothes and shoes at the front door and went directly to call James on the video phone with one of those "and let me tell you what YOUR child just did...." calls. The interpreter was amused. Aidan finally broke his silence sitting in the floor leaning against the doorway crying furiously. I brought him over to the phone and told him his daddy was on the phone... and instead of getting excited and saying "Daddy, Daddy..." like he usually does, he turned his lips down and whined "ducks, ducks..." like he was just terrorized by his experience. Sheesh. Daddy thought it was amusing too and had to throw in one of those told-you-so comments since Aidan has been trying to make a break for the pond for a year now, which has been why I rarely ever take him there anymore. He's just not normal...that child....

After that I got Aidan cleaned up for a night out at Chuck E. Cheese date with his dad since we hadn't been there since, oh... Sunday, a whole two days. I met my friend, Dannette and her husband for a 10:30 open captioned movie, Slumdog Millionaire. Awesome, profound, and touching movie. It was cool showing her my cochlear implant to be surgical scars and shaved head and catching up on their lives. They are moving to Austin this summer where she plans to teach deaf education pre-school next year hopefully at Texas School for the Deaf. Dannette was Miss Deaf Texas when I was Miss Deaf Tennessee, and we've been very close ever since we met at the Miss Deaf America Pageant in 1994. I also found out a mutual friend is also getting a cochlear implant next month, and I can't wait to catch up with her and see how everything works out with her too. After the movie I stopped at Walmart for a few things and darned if I didn't set off the alarms coming and going. This day was just getting better and better. The guy manning the door was just looking at me oddly and I had to explain the whole "I just had surgery and have a magnet in my head...see my scar..." thing.... blah. I hope that doesn't happen often. It hasn't happened at the other Walmart near me, and it is a more updated store. I'm guessing maybe the alarm system there is more advanced and sensitive than the one at the store where I set off the alarm. It really drove home the whole thing of having a computer in my head. Every day I can feel the magnet more and more clearly. It is just insane thinking there is a foriegn object implanted there that is going to change my life (and hopefully make the title of this blog become a reality as I really expect to hear "that"....lots and lots of this 'n' that.)

The next day I went to my doctor check up a whole day early, and there I thought I was running late. I really need to carry a calendar. Aidan made several friends in the waiting room playing with his trains, running and jumping around with a big grin on his face and dispensing hugs. He also enjoyed the car stickers and lollipop from the staff. Figures, it was the one day James couldn't take him at that time, and it wasn't even my day to be there. Needless to say there was no interpreter either being a whole day early. Dr. McReynolds was really cool about seeing me anyway and said everything looked great, and he'd come by for my first mapping to make sure everything looks good. I'm touched he is going the extra mile as he certainly doesn't have to be there. I really really like him. He also seems really impressed I still retain some residual hearing in my right ear. I actually wore both hearing aids to watch American Idol this week, but my implanted ear felt exhausted afterwards and the benefit from the hearing aid was minimal, but there was some.

After the doctor appointment, I took Aidan to McDonalds to play in the big play area for a couple of hours. He made a lot of insta-friends with the older kids. He also ventured all the way to the top of the maze TWICE with the help of some girls and this child is not yet even two... he's such a big brave boy. He was scared, but he kept going and even slid down the big loopy slide that starts at the ceiling and twists and turns several times on the way down. I held my breath and was so proud of him for trying it. He was really cute waving at me from waaaaaaay up top while looking a little frozen like..."oh *bleep*bleep* what have I done????" Meanwhile I was forced to eat our Big Mac solo since he was too busy playing. Well, I didn't want to waste it, you know. It was not my finest moment since going back on Weight Watchers in January.... I won't even mention the fries, Coke(s) or parfait... no need really.

Today we hung out at home. I'm incredibly sore and stiff from our long walk this week and tumble in the pond (and trips to Walmart, Kohls, and the rodeo didn't help either.) Aidan has an ugly cold... lots of sniffles, coughing, and tears. We've skipped the bloopers for the day and enjoyed about 5 different shows of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. We also talked to my friend, Crissie in Tennessee on the video phone since she is out of work sick herself. Aidan LOVES talking to her and calling out to her cat, Tux. Hopefully we'll be able to catch up with Crissie live and in person this summer. Aidan already thinks he knows her well. He woke up from his nap asking to talk to her and ran to the office to see if she was still on the tv.... really cute.... It was a nice and much needed break from the daily hee-haws in our lives lately. ;-)

Mosh Pit, Head Banging, Stars in the Morning Baby

2009-03-14T01:12:00.001-05:00

This morning I saw stars. No, I didn't wake up before the sun came up, but I wish I had. Then I wouldn't have been RUDELY awaken by a 22 month old toddler who wanted some attention with a gigantic head butt on the side of the head... right smackeroo on the formerly healing incision where my bionic piece, a.k.a. the really expensive cochlear implant, is housed... oy, stars!

For the longest time... *hanging head*.... 14 months to be precise, we were a co-sleeping family because I didn't have the heart to put the little guy in his own bed at night. I couldn't handle the tears and drama on the few times I made the feeble attempt. It took 14 months before that crib in his little yellow cowboy room was actually slept in overnight. I can't even take credit for that, as one of my BFFs took him in for a week last July when James unexpectedly ended up in ICU. I call that week at Shelly's "baby boot camp" because Aidan came home with skillz his mama didn't teach him, including sleeping by himself with not too many tears in protest.

We have a routine that we've developed around here since then that works for all of us. In the evenings, I make dinner, James is in charge of baths, I do story time before bed, and before James leaves for work he changes Aidan's diaper and puts him in bed with his me. Being deaf, I would never hear Aidan wake up in another room, but I will wake up if he's beside me be-bopping and bouncing around. I like it because he is an independent little guy at night, and I get time to myself or to spend with James just relaxing, but in the morning I get to wake up to my little ray of sunshine full of love and joy.... until this morning..... there was no sunshine... just stars. Lots and lots of stars.... in the moment I might not have used very motherly language either. My little tyke woke me up with one big, huge, resounding HEAD BUTT right smack on the side of my head... right where that magnet is implanted. Lord have mercy. What did he think it was? Rave time? Body slamming mosh pit practice for the Barney song on he might hear later on PBS? Argh!!!!!!!!! *$&*^%!!!!! No really, I refrained from yelling and screaming and just looked at him stunned while holding my head... my poor throbbing head. We got up and I fixed him breakfast while I popped a pain pill and some Diet Pepsi.

I emailed Pat in Dr. McReynolds' office to tell her what happened and to inquire if my implant might be toast. She wrote me back and said it would take much worse, to take a Tylenol, and she'd let Dr. McReynolds know on Monday when he came in what happened. I'm sure she might have gotten a chuckle out of that email today. I did take more pain medication later today... it's still throbbing a bit. I've really got to teach my son how to show his affection in a more subtle manner. Maybe I should call Shelly at "baby bootcamp"? I do know the next time the little guy gives me a big hug and kiss and then follows up with a playful head butt that we'll put an end to that. Seriously... a head butt in the morning. Did I mention how much I love that kid???? :-)

****this post is dedicated to Jessica in Seattle (a member of my two person fan club...), who pestered me to write something for the day.... love ya, chickie!*****

Finally... just squeaky clean hair!

2009-03-13T00:22:00.001-05:00

I've gotten some feedback from other previously krazy glued cochlear implant recipients and was inspired this afternoon to go ahead and lather up some Herbal Essences without fear of coming unglued...literally or figuratively. I had read about one person who had trouble with her incision opening early, but a couple people on a CI email group I belong to led me to believe I'm going to have a harder time getting the glue out of my hair than I'd like as opposed to the computer in my head falling out through the cracks because of a little water and some suds n' bubbles. So, I now have squeaky clean hair that doesn't flatly stick up in any direction I manipulate it!
*********Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh*************
I don't even care that I haven't had it cut in nearly 3 months or that my roots are a hot mess (when IS the last time I had them done???).... I didn't need to whip out the Chi and ten hair products to feel good.... The little part that is shaved doesn't faze me (but okay, I am a little self conscious about the somewhat gory looking scar showing in public so I decided against a ponytail for a trip to Walmart today...) All in all... this. is. bliss... just clean hair blown out and twisted up in a clip with wispy pieces falling here and there. It's the little things....

American Idol, Whiny Toddler, and Food, Food, Food

2009-03-11T10:23:00.002-05:00

Last night we turned on American Idol, and it just wasn't as much fun as usual. We had the volume way up there, but for some reason Aidan is always at his loudest and most fussiest when we are watching that show. I suppose because it's not the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or Zoboomafoo. Betweeen Aidan and the show, I can barely make out anything clearly. We broke our own rules and gave him a couple of lollipops to see if we could get him to zip it. It's a nice little short-term solution... but doing it over long periods of time would have him bouncing off walls with sugar highs even more than he does normally. Last night was Michael Jackson night, and I am picking favorites by looks, whether Paula is up and dancing, and if I recognize the song (and if James tells me it sounds halfway decent.) That's just sad... I'm ready for two ears again, albeit with one semi, sort of, kind of bionic ear.

Speaking of lollipops and all things sugar related.... am I the only person that gains a huge chunk of change at the first sniffle, cough, or slice under the knife? I HAD lost 11 pounds prior to my CI surgery... after surgery I required all kinds of comfort foods and lost the fierceness of being in control... lost my mojo and gained most of it back...just. like. that. The food has been awesome... *sigh* All that hard work...*poof* Snickers, anyone?

I'm so ready to WASH MY HAIR!!!! I talked to Pat in Dr. McReynold's office, and she put it in perspective. She said if the incision were to get wet, the glue could come undone and to be very very careful. Needless to say, we put off the hair washing a little longer... but man... it has been a week. I honestly will not leave the house until I can wash my hair at this point. We'll wash it tomorrow night though because I have a public appearance at the doctor's office on Friday.

I'm still having pain. It feels like a sharp ear infection on the inside, and on the outside I feel like I have a nail that someone tightened beyond the point of return behind my ear. Also, most of my ear still has numbness to touch, but it's starting to feel like I'm touching my own ear and not someone else's (which was a really weird experience). I thought I was past needing pain pills, but last night I had to take one to get some relief. My ear has a lot of swelling and therefore sticks out now. One of my best hidden features are my lovely flat ears that no one ever notices due to my hearing aids taking away from them. Now I have one floppy ear and one flat ear. I don't think anybody would make it past the mop on my head to notice though (if I were in public, that is...)

I've been reading some other blogs from cochlear implant recipients. I've gone back to the beginnings of their blogs to see how it was for them at this stage. I have to say in spite of the pain, the messy hair, the weight gain, and oh, my son picking favorites with his parental figures (and I haven't been the chosen one lately) that I'm extremely excited about activation. I'm glad the first two activation days are scheduled together instead of spaced apart a week. I know my expectations should be low, but I also know my personality and how well I have done with very little sound to work with over the years, and I can't help but think this is going to be a great thing but a whole lotta work.

On a happy note, last night Aidan climbed on a chair beside me when I was on the phone talking to Alecia. I'm not sure if he was showing off for the interpreter or just happy to give his mama some love, but he leaned over THREE times to give me a big kiss in the face. All was right with my world. Whatever had been bugging him about me was gone. After I got off the phone he told his daddy goodnight and grabbed my hand as we walked to his room to read about trains and animals. I love that kid!!!

The Weekend Blues

2009-03-09T01:19:00.001-05:00

One thing I learned this weekend..... never take a hyper toddler to dinner at Bennihana's. The other thing I learned... nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, holds a candle to the lure of Chuck E. Cheese for a hyper toddler. So, we took the kids to dinner. James and I took turns taking Aidan outside when he was antsy. When James was gone, of course the waitress or chef would ask me a question I couldn't hear. My stepdaughter is too shy with strangers to really help there. At one point a lady at my table thought it would be okay to move over to James' chair and mouth quite loudly what was being asked of me. I know she was trying to be helpful, but she was so in my space, in my face, and talking to me like I was a sweet little lost five year old... boo...hiss... I told her thanks and that I read lips and could see her lips from over thataway. I don't know quite how I said it in the moment, but I did say something along those lines. Oops. I must've said it with some tact because they waved at us like we were all BFFs as we parted after dinner.

After dinner we went to Chuck E. Cheese. Aidan asks to go there several times daily, and James loves to oblige and takes him 2 or 3 times a week lately. It's definitely cheap fun since every ride and game only costs a token which is only a quarter. I stayed there for a few minutes but the roar in my "good" non-favored ear was just too much, and Saturday night traffic in there is elbow to elbow. I found one little boy standing alone in the women's bathroom crying his eyes out. He didn't know where his mother was and it was just chaos, so I carried him out to someone that worked there. She found his mom quickly. I couldn't believe none of the other mothers were rushing to him to see what was wrong. I couldn't understand anything beyond his nodding when I asked if he lost his mom, but I didn't need to be able to hear to see that he was lost.
Anyway, I left and went to Target while the kids stayed with James. Our 15 year old microwave caught fire that afternoon so I had an excuse to get out of the noise and get my shop on. We went out for ice cream after that. Aidan ignored his ice cream to take turns eating out of all of ours. Cute... but annoying. Gotta love that kid! He always thinks whatever we are eating or drinking is better than the babyish food and drinks he thinks he is getting.

Tonight we went out again to get a different microwave since the one we got last night didn't even work when we plugged it in.... very very annoying... but love new microwave better so I got over it... I still have not washed my hair. James and I aren't sure we can manage to do it without getting the bandage wet. I need to double check with my doctor tomorrow and find out what he told me during my morphine haze about washing hair. I think he said a week or earlier if I could keep the incision dry. I'm starting to look homeless. I could probably make sculptures with my hair at this point if I had a mind to do so. Any special requests? A duck? a box?

One more note about the weekend... I'm not sure if Aidan feels like I abandoned him for a few days this week, but Daddy is the preferred parental unit in this household right now. He's kept me at an arm's length and seeks his dad out for fun, comfort, and mostly looks to me for food. The joys of motherhood. I think he's starting to forgive me though, and it's been very sweet seeing his bond with James this weekend. At least the timing is great for this phase (even though it does sting a bit) because it's given me time to take a mental and physical break when I really needed one.

On that cheerful note, my bed head and I are off to catch some much needed zzzzzz's.

3 Days After Surgery

2009-03-07T13:13:00.001-06:00

What year is this??? ....pleeeeeease make it stop! I'm kidding....kind of.... it's not quite that bad... but today has been pretty rough. The right side of my head is throbbing, and I feel so much pressure. I don't want to take pain meds today, but I think I'd feel better if I did. I just don't want to leave James on solo parenting duty all day.

Aidan came home last night, like the little hurricane he is, zipping through and leaving toys and miscellaneous "stuff" in his wake. Not having the energy to keep up with him yet is a little stressful, and meanwhile, James' blood pressure has gone way up today so he is resting. I'm going to try to wash my hair without getting the incision wet. My stepdaughter, Skylar, is here for the weekend, and I know we'll probably go out to eat later.

One final note, I had my left hearing aid off earlier and shut a kitchen cabinet drawer. I could hear a soft thud on the left side but nothing on the right. I tried it again.... and yep, couldn't make it out with the right ear. It didn't faze me too much, but I did feel a second of... "oh no, what did I do?" and then that passed. I just thought about how very soon I would hear that sound more distinctly and clearly with my right ear than my left when my cochlear implant is finally activated.

The Day After...

2009-03-05T15:53:00.002-06:00

I am feeling pretty sore, but it is do-able with the drugs! Melissa went to doctor with me and to x-rays this morning. Dr. McReynolds said everything looked good and to come back in 10 days to check out the cochlear implant incision. My mappings are scheduled for March 31st and April 1st. So exciting!

I tried on my right hearing aid today so I could just get it over with and accept that my residual hearing is gone... well, it worked but it's different! James sounded like Donald Duck on helium. I can't believe I have anything left at all, but I'm not complaining.

Melissa picked lunch up at Chick Fil A for us this afternoon, and Anna is coming by with dinner tonight. James came home early to look after me, and I'm just so happy to be able to relax and not worry about anything else for today. I miss Aidan so much, but this will give me a little time to get back to myself and a chance for him to play with other kids for a few days.

Off to veg...

Implantation Day

2009-03-04T23:22:00.001-06:00

I had the surgery today, and it was a success. My husband, James, was just the best today. He's been at my side constantly for the last day. A lot of friends/family have been praying for today, which was very nice of them, and I'm truly grateful. They've either emailed, FBed, or left James a message. I don't think he's called anyone back just yet, but I did get your messages!

We arrived at just after 8:30am. Of all days for an alarm clock slip-up. James thought it was 7:00am when it was really 8:00am. The hospital is barely a hop and skip away, but I was nagging James a bit to step on it. He can fly when he's inspired. They took me back about an hour before surgery and it was all a breeze. I had an interpreter, Emily, who also subbed as an interpreter when I taught at a middle school several years ago.

Veering slightly off topic, but worth mentioning, it usually happens when I have an interpreter for personal business that I have probably known them for school business previously. I can remember going to court for speeding nearly 100 mph (don't ask)... and the interpreter was one I knew from teaching when he subbed a few times. He and the district attorney I was in an office with were stiffling laughter as they tried to ask with a straight face exactly why I felt the need for speed (like I said.... it wasn't in open court and I was first on the books for the day... perks of the deaf!) I also had an interpreter that had subbed at the school, when I had the ultrasound finding out Aidan was going to be a boy. The deaf world is a very small world no matter where you are. Thank God for the code of ethics they abide by to keep personal business private, although I'm outting myself as it is.

So anyway, I knew Emily in the past. She was there before and after surgery. Thank God for her. I wasn't hearing or focusing on anything like I normally would've been. I was a little sad thinking I wouldn't be able to hear out of my right ear with my hearing aid again.... a little nervous about getting knocked out... and some staff members had European accents I had (and almost always have, unless it's a British accent oddly) trouble understanding, especially with a room where sound was bouncing off the walls and tiles easily, but Emily was there to fill in the blanks whenever I tried to speech read unsuccessfully. Several people came by to put an "X" on my right ear to make sure I wasn't missing a spleen or something. The nurse came by and gave me an option of whether to have an IV with Ativan before getting wheeled off or waiting until I was under. I gave her one shot before to get it in because I was more nervous about the operating room and the mask (but it was barely the lesser of two evils) and she did fabulous.... Once I met the anesthiologist and talked to the doctor, I really don't remember much else. I was wheeled away on a hazy calm cloud (2 mg of Ativan in an IV... just the thing for nerves!) and woke up in a stupor two hours later. When I woke up today in the recovery, I started having sharp chest pain when I breathed and felt like my blood pressure was falling (I had a really scary episode with rapidly dropping blood pressure when I was in labor) so they did an EKG, which was fine from what I know. They gave me morphine and the chest pain subsided. I was/am still majorly drugged... LOTs of morphine today so I was able to fall asleep all afternon and evening.

Just wanted to update.. more later. Have doctor appointment in A.M and riding with Melissa. Aidan is staying with his friend, James' (Shelly and Darrell's son). It was rough leaving last night, but Shelly sent message today that she got him to sleep after a bath, clean up, and then several stories with not too much crying. She said he asked for his mommy and daddy... bless his little heart, but he couldn't be anywhere better right now and with awesome people.

I'm laying down for now, but I wanted to update to make it a habit. :)

***updated 3-12 for minor details my hazy self wasn't up for reporting at the time*** :-P

My Story

2009-03-02T14:38:00.012-06:00

Forty-eight hours from now, I will have been implanted with the Nucleus Freedom Cochlear Implant. It's surreal to me. It's taken me three years to go through the approval process, and once it was given, everything seems to be snowballing rapidly.

I've had a severe to profound hearing loss for most of my life. My hearing loss was noticed by my family when I was three after I had been through a particularly rough winter with childhood illnesses and frequent high fevers. My mother also had rubella while she was pregnant with me. My hearing loss has always been defined as "unknown" since there have been different possible factors that could have played a role.

I was fitted with my first hearing aids when I was 5, and I still have a vague memory of hearing sounds and speech well right off the bat. I was so excited! However, the summer before I was due to start kindergarten my mom was told I'd have to go to a deaf school which would involve me leaving home at five! She didn't find that option acceptable for us and worked very hard with me at home everyday that summer, in addition to the time I spent in speech therapy each week at the Chattanooga Speech and Hearing Center, to prove I was ready for public school admission. In the fall when I was tested again my IQ jumped up 20 points, (so much for the concept of an IQ test not being something that someone can study for, right?!) and I had no problem being accepted in the public school system where I don't remember being much different than anyone else in the earlier years.

As I got older and my hearing loss became progressively worse, I started struggling to understand what was going on in the classroom. However, I rarely struggled with language or reading skills. Those were my forte thanks to the many hours and days my mother devoted working with me one on one and reading stories to me. She was an English teacher who often took those with challenges under her wing. I still get emails from her students sharing their memories 22 years after she passed away, and I'm sure I was the one most blessed by the difference she made in my life.

Junior high was a nightmare for me. I could not fit in to save my life, but my hearing loss had so much to do with that. I was so embarrassed by it. One year I was the wrestling team manager, and I refused to even wear my glasses in front of the guys. I was Helen Keller with a score board, and Coach McClure was kind enough to ignore the fact that my score was never remotely close to what the other manager would have on his board. Coach McClure is my cousins' uncle and my brother's former coach, so I think he was just letting me have my fun, but that was the only year I was the manager. Come to think of it, he even gave me a letter for managing I know I didn't deserve, but he didn't ask me to come back, and I didn't even try to suggest it.

I didn't really know anyone else like me, and kids can just be tough when someone is different. The harder I tried to hide my hearing loss, the more gawky and out of place I'd be. My parents were concerned and thought I might benefit from going to a deaf summer camp. I went very reluctantly, but I thrived that first year. I started learning sign language. Boys liked me, a lot of boys! The attention totally went to my head. I excelled at sports at camp and brought home quite a few first place blue ribbons from different team competitions. I made a girl friend was new to the scene herself (raised oral but was also beginning to learn sign language through immersion at camp.) I went to this summer camp for several summers, and it made a huge difference in my self confidence which I sorely needed.

When I started high school, I bloomed. I still hid my hearing loss, but it was different. I think having my mom around the corner did wonders for me. She was a popular, well-loved teacher, so I had no shame riding her coat tails. My brother graduated the year before I started high school, and there was no shame in my game in riding the crest of his success as an athlete and well liked guy either.

I eventually felt like my own person, but darned if I still couldn't talk about my hearing loss. I ran track with my hair down in hot weather so as not to show my hearing aids. I even had a boyfriend my junior year that would call me on the phone at home. Every time I couldn't understand him, I changed the subject, which was like every other sentence. Our conversationos were exhausting. He was extremely polite and didn't call me on my insanity. I don't think we ever discussed my hearing loss that spring we dated. The most annoying part is that I had volume control on the phone, and my mother (who was his teacher) would feel free to participate in our calls from across the kitchen while she made dinner.

My mother died when I was a senior in high school. That same year my dad showed me a story in the newspaper about a girl who won Miss Deaf Tennessee. That just blew my mind that being hearing impaired could be an awesome thing. I think that article had a lot to do with my definite decision to teach deaf kids one day. It also made me start thinking beyond losing my mom and actually think about the future. It was also the beginning for me to let my guard down about my hearing loss because what's more glamorous than a shiny tiara, right??? That girl that won the pageant? She's one of my closest friends today and has been for MANY years. (Hi Crissie!)

My audiologists pretty much promised me as a kid that I wouldn't become deaf. I grew up thinking of myself as hearing impaired/hard of hearing, until one day in college I took a closer look at my audiogram and asked my audiologist what I already knew. I asked if I had become deaf since my loss was at 90 decibels at this point. I was a special education major, and I had just read something not long before in one of my textbooks about deafness being a loss of 90 decibels and higher. He said yes, but oddly I was relieved that being deaf wasn't the sheer silence or stigma I was afraid it would be, and I was relieved that I didn't have to worry about becoming deaf anymore because I'd finally arrived, and somehow it was kind of cooler to say I was deaf than hard-of-hearing.

I could still use my hearing aids at the time to talk on the phone (the poor people on the other end that had to speak slowly and repeat themselves often...) I had some basic signing skills I'd learned from deaf friends and college classes, but I didn't have an interpreter for classes. I rarely paid attention in class and was bored silly most of the time. I'd study at the last minute absorbing everything in the textbooks and hoping the professors didn't add anything that wasn't in there. Once I had to explain how I'd written a paper to a professor because he didn't teach what I'd used and I went way beyond what was required (thanks to not being able to lipread a man with a beard and no effort on my part to clarify the assignment in the first place), and he was sure I'd cheated. I didn't know whether to be flattered or ticked off... I was a little of both, and I sat down and pointed out all my references from the text I'd used. He was impressed, and I felt justified but annoyed.

Surprisingly, I felt truly liberated once I knew I was technically classified as "deaf". Perhaps part of that was the freedom of being in college as well. I loved my ASL classes, and I felt pretty special being the only one in the class besides the teacher who was deaf. For the first time I had a lot to say, and I didn't hold back. I embraced my deafness. I became involved in the deaf community, made new friends, competed in local deaf pageants, and went to community deaf shin-digs and just had fun getting to know a new world.

I represented Tennessee at The Miss Deaf America Pageant. That was extremely tough though. I struggled so much with understanding the language at the time (receptive and expressive) that I just didn't stand a chance at the national level in the interview portion. One of the on stage questions was something like "...and how would you feel if a doctor said he could cure your deafness?" which was a reference to cochlear implants. The PC answer was of course "..there's nothing wrong with me... I don't need to be healed... Deaf pride!" I remember thinking what a relief it was that I didn't make the top ten and have to answer that because I wasn't very PC. I probably would've been lost anyway and said...."my favorite childhood pet was a shaggy dog I named Benji..."

I graduated in special education and became a deaf education teacher. My signing skills have improved tremendously since my deaf pageant days, although I am not so presumptuous to consider myself overly fluent. I'm still learning. However, I can't make a phone call without my video phone where an interpreter is on the screen signing what the other person is saying. It has changed my life though, and I love using the phone again. I can also call my two favorite deaf girlfriends, Crissie and Dannette, and talk directly to them. They get to see my son, our cats, and my husband will jump in once and a while to say hi. I also get to say hi to their husbands and my son loves seeing their pets. Dannette even showed me the color they were painting their walls the other day. I can't imagine being able to use a phone now without captions or an interpreter available. I have no idea how much a cochlear implant might improve my auditory skills on the phone.

Three years ago, I applied to get a cochlear implant. While waiting for approval, I became pregnant, had Aidan, and now he is almost two! I've wrestled my feelings on the subject for a long time. The deaf community used to take a firm stance against cochlear implants. While they are not embracing the idea now, they are much more open-minded on the issue than they once were. I was once on board with their viewpoint thinking an implant wasn't for me, but as I got older I realized I really wanted to hear as much as I can. My son is talking, and I don't want to miss a word.

So, this is the beginning. On Wednesday I will be implanted. My hair will be slightly shaved. All the residual hearing in my right ear will be destroyed (not that there's much left, but there is a mourning process in losing it.) I will be activated a month after surgery. I'm excited and anxious at the same time, but I feel blessed to be on this journey.