That thing I want to do when I grow up......

Wow, the summer months have just whirled and twirled by leaving me in a cloud of dust facing fall wondering where all the time went. To back up a little, back in June my husband had just come home from the hospital, and we were trying to decide how we were going to get up on our feet again. Owning a construction company doesn't allow for too many sick days, much less a complete halt to business for weeks at a time, but that's exactly what happened to us not just once but twice this summer when James became extremely ill. It certainly did make us examine our priorities more closely and lit a fire under me to "do something".

I had been playing with different ideas of contributing more directly to our family business than just behind the scenes on the clerical and advertising side, and one day I made a definite decision. James came home, and I told him I had enrolled that day for six hours of classes starting in July for online real estate classes at the local community college, and in a short six week session I not only knocked those first six hours out, I added three more hours at the same time on campus! That was just the beginning of a crazy load I've been carrying since then, and for once in my life I love the classes enough to not care that I'll do as much in six weeks now as I used to do in four months the first time around in college. Ah, youth.

A few of the classes I've had so far are real estate law, contracts, agency, and marketing. Next week I'm going to the courthouse with my co-op class to watch foreclosure auctions. Later this month I'm going with my co-op class to a real estate expo that I'm really looking forward to attending.... and to think the last time I was attending an expo at the same place with maybe a *little* more excitement was for the Bridal Extravaganza in 2005. My professor is really cool and has invited James to come along for field trips and to visit the co-op class anytime, and he came with me to class last week. He's going on both field trips which will be a great chance for him to network himself with Realtors.

Getting into real estate has been an idea forming for several years. We've met and worked with many Realtors through my husband's business, and James has occasionally mentioned I should consider it myself. I've always held back though because frankly the field intimidated me for several reasons, and my deafness was right smack dab at the top of the list. It was one of those careers I put nearly up there auditory-wise with singing on American Idol, flying a commercial aircraft, or waiting tables at Hooters (intimidating for more reasons than nerve damage!) Houston is quite a diverse city. I do well enough to read lips in person of accents I'm not familiar with, but to imagine taking calls from anyone I didn't know terrified me. Impossible. Ummm. No. Just no. Am I okay with it now? It's a work in progress, but it's not a firm no anymore... it's not a hopping up and down enthusiastic yes either. It's one of those things that is just tricky right now. I don't have all the answers yet, but I know there will be answers, and that somehow this is all do-able.

So there we were in June pondering what we were going to be when we grew up, or at least I was. I thought about going back to school for a masters in counseling, but in the back of my mind was this dream of selling houses or finding houses for a happy buyer, and there was the thought that maybe with my improving auditory skills I might be able to do this... maybe. I just could not let the thought go for anything. Yes, as people like to remind me, this housing market is lousy at the moment, but it's a great market for investors...and the market is not going to be bad forever. By the time the market bounces back, all the new kids will be jumping on the bandwagon and signing up for real estate classes. I'd rather learn the business now when times are tough and be ahead of the game by the time the new competition comes along.

Something else that all these classes have helped me realize is that Houston is just enormous with so many possible angles of real estate to explore in the future, and I don't have to decide right now. I'm just happy that I have these ideas to mull over. Just last week in class we talked more in depth about real estate mediation, and I must admit that grabbed my attention for down the road... maybe a way I can tie in counseling and real estate together one day? Who knows? I also have a great teacher that reminds me how much I once loved teaching for the sake of teaching.... She has so much joy. Maybe when I have a few years of experience I might want to teach again? So thinking along those lines I decided to shoot for the associate degree in real estate to be more well-rounded and *hopefully* I will be able to finish the classes for it by this spring, but I'll be taking the state licensing test most likely next month because I will have the required classes for the license done very soon. I also have a great husband who just wants me to get my feet wet the first year and just network for our company through contacts I make in the real estate field. The ideas are endless.

I'm so busy with the ridiculous amount of classes I've piled on myself that I have barely had time to stop and think how I'm going to pull this off or worry about my confidence level. I know I need more tools to succeed in this business. I have a new cell phone (my first!!!), but that particular phone is not strong enough for me to have a detailed conversation with someone I don't know regarding business. I have a lot of research to do to figure out how to use technology to my advantage to make up for some of my weaker areas. Just the idea that I'm doing something now that I've wanted to do for a long time but never thought I'd have the confidence to do is really exhilarating.

I'm grateful that having a cochlear implant has opened the door to this idea, but I know that deep down I probably had the ability to pull it off all along and could have found a way to do it. The cochlear implant makes it easier though to work with the hearing public. Of course, I especially hope I can work with the deaf community. From my research there doesn't seem to be any other deaf real estate agents in Houston. I'm also grateful that I grew up watching my aunt, Pam, work her way to the top in Chattanooga as a top Realtor. She is a great role model. I remember years ago when she just started taking classes and now when I drive home I see her on billboards! She's really awesome and a great inspiration!

So... stay tuned... more to come soon. :)

Mapping #8---A Great Visit!

What a whirlwind the last few weeks have been! I can't believe my last post was my last mapping, and here I am with my newest results of my eighth mapping from last week. Short and sweet.... my impedence test came back normal so that means the internal equipment is given the all clear and doing its job! *WHEW!* I'm so excited about the test scores.... 96% on the sentence test (same as last month, and I only missed two words :) and 78% on the words (HINT) test... up from 64% from the month before!

My husband had another round at the hospital this past month with a case of pancreatis and a staph infection that evidently didn't clear up that he got while he was in the hospital in May from an IV! He is slowly building his strength back and getting back to work. Thank God for his health. Things could have turned out much differently if we didn't get the diagnosis(es) and treatment when we did.

Needless to say between my two guys, I've been on the run lately without a lot of time to blog. Stay tuned though.... I'll be back very soon with a real update on my life (not just stats and numbers on hearing beeps and words ;) and a real decision on what I'm going to be when I grow up. I'm so excited about what's in the works!

Mapping #7---Waiter, there's a fly in my ear.....buzzzzzzzz.....

To preface this post.... yes, it is about a mapping. Yes, it's my seventh. Yes, I realize some people *ahem* in the blogosphere world are overinundated with the newbies to the mapping experience blogging on every last single technical detail. Please feel free to note that not all of my posts are related to my cochlear implant experience and include quite a bit of my exciting life as a mom to a two year old. Oh yes, even from here I feel the deaf peeps out there dropping like flies from the sheer boredom of.... oh.... another mapping? and oh... mommy to a two year old? *smile* This is simply my record of my journey with a cochlear implant and the mappings are important benchmarks in this experience, although they may not read as the most exciting blog posts.


There really aren't too many of us that grew up with a severe to profound loss that are blogging on the experience of receiving a cochlear implant as an adult. From casual observation, most adults with implants seem to be the ones that are deafened later in life. I'm surely not the success story on the take home box of Nucleus Freedom accessories or the DVD passed out before surgery. No one is asking me to talk to new "recruits" and share my heartwarming experience. I didn't go to my first mapping and cry tears of joy. No, I cried tears of absolute horrid misery. For what it's worth, I do have video of my first mapping that I'll likely never share publicly, and I'm absolutely snarling in it (plus the one year old in the background climbing furniture is absolutely priceless.) :-P So, in the spirit of my journal, I'm recording ANOTHER. FLIPPING. MAPPING. SESSION!!!! ....and if someone else wants to think about doing this and reads my blog, they'll get as always... the good... the bad... and the ugly from my point of view. So... that said... on with the show.


Today's mapping was actually an emergency session for me... not necessarily of the most dire kind, but I was fairly frustrated. I've been experiencing so much static popping and background noise that it was really disrupting my listening pleasure. To compound matters, while I could still hear fairly well with the CI, I wasn't having any new break-throughs and sound clarity, especially with voices, was regressing. I started asking my husband, James to repeat things several times or opted out of conversations with him because it seemed like too much energy to comprehend. Talking to him on the phone has been short and quick because his words started sounding slightly muffled. I could almost catch what he was saying, but I missed more than I was getting, and that wasn't without serious concentration on my part. My video phone needs to be re-routed with someone from the company and is down, so I haven't even had that as a back up lately.


My audiologist fit me in on a day's notice by seeing me yesterday morning (and not for lack of not having too much on her plate already... She's just cool like that... but I've established that already in previous "ode to the cool audiologist" posts. :-) None of the maps were working that we were trying out, so she went ahead with both tests to check the electrodes (listening to the beeps and the neural test... and if someone wants to give me the official name to each to refer to once and for all, I'd appreciate it.) The gist of it was my old map was out of compliance and causing distortion, but something about my electrodes has changed slightly and is now being "monitored". My audiologist consulted with another audiologist, and she assured me that my electrode test was within normal range, but yet... big yet.... it was different enough to need to be tested again in 3 weeks to make sure all is well. *IF* there is a problem it's with the internal equipment... yep... I said I would share the good, bad, and ugly, didn't I? I'm being monitored to make sure the equipment locked and loaded and sealed inside my head is functioning fine. Nucleus has great reliability, and my testing isn't cause for alarm, but it's never fun to have to wait and make sure everything is actually okay.


Meanwhile, my audiologist finally gave me a mapping that clicked and made me go "ahhhhhhhh". Two hours after I arrived we were just starting to get somewhere. I felt so bad for her because she is a perfectionist, and I knew my situation being tossed at her yesterday was a handful and not fun. She said she gave me a map that most people would hate. She says it's pretty unique. It's in compliance with my electrodes so that distortion shouldn't be a problem like it was when I arrived. She basically said she did it by changing the parameters and beyond that I have no idea what she did... just that it worked at the time.


She wanted to do some tests before I left. I sat in the booth and could swear there was electrical buzzing. She came in there and listened and said there was something so I assumed it wasn't static. So much for soundproof booths, right? She actually told me that's a falsehood anyway and that these were just more sound resistant, not sound proof, not something my little deaf self ever noticed. The test scores were ridiculously great. In June I had 79% on my sentence test (HINT test). Today? 96%! Sur-stinkin'-real! :)



Right when I thought the guy on the recording and I had a blossoming relationship, he trampled it with his horrible one word test. This is the first time I've had this test post-CI, and I was blown away by how fast the guy went.... He would say "ready...*quick pause*... boat" one second pause "ready *quick pause* make"... Jeeeeeeeeeeez Louise!... I couldn't hear myself think because half the time I was saying what I thought he just said as he was saying "ready" before the next word, which would make me lose my thought, panic, and ...then... rinse and repeat! I could never just relax and catch up with that guy... He definitely was NOT from the south... and that test was LOOOOOOOONG. I do. not. like. that. test. I scored 64%. I liked my other much score better. :-P



For the last test, we did the usual bells and whistles to plot the lines on the audiogram. Seriously... not bad.... 15-20 decibels straight across the board. Last time it was 20-25 decibels... so it was about the same... but a little better. One example of how much my audiogram is changing... at 6000 Hz, I have a 120 db hearing loss (and that is with or without the hearing aid on)... We are talking... deaf as a doorknob... flat out.... not a peep to be heard...completely deaf.... but pop on the CI on it's 15 db. Boggles my mind still. Technology is pretty amazing. Needless to say, my brain hears sound at that level.... it doesn't necessarily mean it's processing information at the level, but it's all uncharted territory for my noggin anyway.



So fast forward to this evening.... and the static is back somewhat, and it is annoying me to a degree. I can still hear well in spite of it, but right now I'm relaxing without it on because I need a break from the buzzing in the air. I had it off earlier when I was getting Aidan ready for bed, and I couldn't understand anything he was saying. I didn't realize just how much I have come to rely on it for understanding my son, and that was extremely frustrating to pretend to go along with what he said just so I could finish getting him ready for bed at the time. I put it back on while we read books because we do like to talk as we read. I am glad that I've started teaching Aidan some basic signs, and this just reinforces my desire to continue that so we don't ever have a reason for not being able to understand each other. The static's not too bad, but I'm concerned of course. Most likely this will work itself out in time. I'm not sure my audiologist is going to be really thrilled to open my email in the morning and read tonight's news, but she did say she will be seeing a company rep this week so she can go over my case with her.



....and that is the bare naked truth.... the good, the bad, the ugly visited yet again....

I Lub You!

When Aidan was a baby, I thought briefly about teaching baby sign language classes. I should be a natural, right? I am deaf... I am a teacher (okay...currently on a 4 year "break" at the moment from that particular profession but 12 years in combat counts for something)... and I had a beautiful, dimply, sweet, and non-complying little wild bambino. *sigh* It's the non-complying part that killed the deal for me. Bless his heart.

Here I am... Deaf mom extraordinaire with the little wonder child she can hold up to demonstrate to her classes and say... "Look! This is what your baby can do!" Only problem? The child. would. sign. nada. *pulling hair* Worse yet? All the hearing moms I talked to that claimed their two week old could sign the alphabet, even count to 100, AND sign every animal at the zoo. Yes, they were just two week old babies, I'm sure. Yes, these moms were all online so they might have exaggerated a bit. No matter. I couldn't lie. I said... he can sign "up". Yes... he could point up. It's a sign. It counts.

I threw in the towel. I said to myself, when he can talk, I'll start teaching him signs! He'll learn! He may learn at the age when it's not so hip anymore, and the other moms have moved on to compare how colorful their children's SPOKEN language is... and how long their sentences are, but maybe we were meant to march to our own drummer because sentences in this household for the two and under crowd are pretty. darn. short.

So... one of my child's biggest hobbies is raiding the refrigerator. Fortunately his dad and I are getting much better about locking it since the egg episode (don't ask!) He will come to me and point and yell for "cheese, cheese, cheese!" So in the name of food, my child has finally begun to learn a few signs willingly. He can sign "Mommy please", "Daddy please", and "thank you" which are much more pleasant ways of being directed to food. He is a little sponge and tries to copy every sign I teach him. He finds it fun! Yay! This is much easier than trying to demonstrate anything visual to a hyper busy baby that is much too busy looking at anything and anyone but his mother when she is actively standing in front of him squeezing her hand and exclaiming, "baby... look! look at Mommy! Milk! Milk! Can you say milk?" Ah, those were the days!

He loves to sign "dog" and his attempt to sign "duck" is priceless. He will usually just scratch his head behind his ear when he is attempting to sign "cat" but he will verbalize "Sassy" after the cat in Homeward Bound, so I have to give him points in originality. My favorite signs to do with him? "I love you!" Aidan says something along the lines of "I lub you!" which is really cute. I lub him too.

Happy Father's Day, Pops!

May 2007 - Pops visiting newborn Aidan and big sister, Skylar in Texas.

Happy Father's Day, Pops!

I have a second dad. He's always encouraged me, and sometimes he even nags me just a bit, but he usually does it with a sense of humor. He's always walked the walk when he told me to go to school, buckle down and finish my degree. During the time I've known him he did just that himself and is now a vice president of a large company with enormous responsibilities and the respect of his peers.

I met him when I was sixteen and dating his stepson. My mom was his stepson's English teacher. My mom and his stepson both passed away unexpectedly within three weeks of each other when I was only seventeen. My mom had been sick. His stepson had not, but both losses left me empty.

They adopted me....Pops and his wife....in every way but legally when they could have just easily and understandably turned inwardly to focus on their own grief. My father was extremely grateful for the parenting back up since he was grieving himself and feeling quite lost.

Pops and his wife wanted me to move in with their family and made sure my head was on straight when they kicked me out next year (sending me straight to the dorms and my freshman year of college at the local university.) When senior year rolled around and I was living beyond my means, I moved back in for a year. Of course then I got a job and my first apartment and moved out (but not without a little parental prodding to send me on my way and make sure I was okay.)

Pops and his wife (she's my second mom, but today is about Pops, although I'll definitely tell her story one day) have always been there for the heartaches and the triumphs. When my grandparents died, when my father died.... they were there.... When I was crowned Miss Deaf Tennessee they were cheering loudly, and I'm pretty sure they had their hands in the air along with the rest of the crowd. Graduation day? Their relief and pride were beyond words.

I eventually moved to Texas to "see the world". I became quite independent. A few years later when I told them I was getting married, Pops first question...."Who's giving you away?" They gave me the wedding of my dreams, and Pops did just what he wanted to do for years and years... He gave me away. Of course I've always found my way back home to Pop's house over the years. Now I just take a husband, a stepdaughter, and son with me. The kids call him Poppy, and they adore him too.

Happy Father's Day, Pops!

I love you!

Michelle

Tennessee-Going Home

My cousin, Abby, got married at Laurelwood on Signal Mountain in Tennessee last Saturday. We parked at a location on top of the mountain and took school buses to the wedding location passing farms, mountain scenery, horses and cows, and just the most beautiful natural Tennessee country God has created on the drive there.

The wedding was held outdoors overlooking a lake and surrounded by trees, and my brother's family was already sitting in the last row waiting for us. My uncle, aunt, and I joined them. I had no idea why Dean, who is totally in denial about how much hearing he is losing from his Air Force days at the shooting range, did not elect to sit a little closer to the front.

The wedding began and I was completely prepared to be lost throughout the ceremony. I have to say I was stunned to understand nearly every single word of the ceremony from where I sat. Seriously. To be fair, I slid the magnet off my head to do the hearing aid alone comparison and found that the acoustics were so excellent that I could have understood a lot of it with some intense concentration from where I sat without using my cochlear implant, but I would have been mentally drained. However, once I slid the magnet back on I didn't struggle. It helped to see the faces of the speakers even though I was quite a distance from them. It helped to see the rate at which they moved their mouths and the expressions on their faces even though I couldn't read their lips. I actually prefer the term "speech reading" to "lip reading" because comprehension has much more to with the whole face than just the lips. I don't even like talking to someone with sunglasses on for that reason. Odd, I know. :)

At the end of the ceremony there was a prayer. I always look at the speaker during prayer, even though I can usually see what's going on around the speaker as well. What usually amuses me is seeing which hearing people are peeping around during prayer because they just can't be still long enough to close their eyes and bow their heads, and of course then they see the deaf person and instantly have the oops...busted "deer in headlights" expression. No judgement from me because God knows I've no room to talk.... just amusement, I promise. So anyway, I closed my eyes since I couldn't even see who was praying, and I darned near fell out of my chair. I easily understood every word of the prayer, except for the first names of the groom's parents who were mentioned. Amazing. I would love to have that sound system with me everywhere I go, and I'd be set for life.

After the ceremony my family and I grabbed a round table outside, and my uncle told stories of days gone by. I was so grateful that I could understand what he was saying because, first of all, he told me I was a really good kid, and that my brother was the punk I remember him to be. My mother, who passed away when I was seventeen, had left a journal stating what a joy my older brother was, and Uncle Moe clarified that Dean had her snowed. Mom also frequently mentioned how intense life was with a hearing impaired child with a flair for drama, so it was nice to hear Dean called on some of his shenanigans since I wasn't as clever as he was at looking angelic. I also very much enjoyed hearing Dean call Uncle Moe's son, Jeff, after this conversation and leave a message apologizing for bullying him as a child. Did I mention my brother is a youth minister now, and I've always been considered the wild child of our family?

Uncle Moe also told some stories about his life growing up and running a bait shop with Papaw. We also discussed some tragedy our grandmother experienced as a young child. I'm glad I didn't miss out on our conversation that afternoon. We've lost too much and too many in our family, and I treasure moments like those because they don't come often.

My friend, Dani, was supposed to come visit from Atlanta the next day, but due to a flare-up with lupus, she couldn't make the drive. She is the most amazing person and appreciates the beauty of every single day, as only someone who has nearly not made it to see another day, can. Not only does she have lupus, but she barely survived heart failure immediately after delivering her son, Ronnie, five years ago.

Dani and I lived in the same dorm during our freshman year of college, and our lives went separate ways for a while and then brought us back together again. We had to settle for a phone conversation on Sunday afternoon, but I didn't have my video phone, so I didn't think I'd be able to talk to her long. We talked and we talked and we talked. I couldn't believe it. My brain was definitely processing my new mapping. I had to concentrate and felt a little frustrated at times, but my confidence had definitely increased by the time we hung up. Dani seemed impressed I'd hung in there as long as I did, but she was worth it!

I had several more phone calls while I was there with other friends and family members and did quite well considering. At one point, my friend, Crissie, called me on her video phone with an interpreter for herself, while I understood everything she said. She's not hard to understand though, as she speaks slowly and clearly with a definite southern accent. I think if I understood no one else on the phone, I'd probably understand Crissie, but I don't think the irony of the moment was lost on either of us.

Crissie is actually mulling over the idea of a cochlear implant herself one day. Having video phones has given her a unique look into my life in the last few months. She saw me five minutes after I walked in the door from my cochlear implant surgery, groggy and wrapped in a Princess Leia styled bandage. She talked to me when I had all those crazy bells and sirens going off in my head and thought I was losing my sanity during the first week or so. She saw me holding my head in pain, frustrated and depressed, hoping I'd done the right thing. She's been on the phone with me when I've paused to listen for Aidan in the next room to see whether he was sleeping or awake. I've also been able to report to her what's been going on across the house with Aidan and his dad while I was talking to her on the phone, so she's been a spectator of sorts on my journey and isn't deluded about being an insta-Jaime Sommers (a.k.a. the bionic woman from the 70's with super hearing for you kids out there going "huh?")

Another "break-through" on my trip was a lot more mind-boggling. The family television was turned on one night for the first time since I'd arrived. No one was watching though, and the captions hadn't been turned on. Family Guy was on, and I've never watched the show. On a whim, I decided to sit in front of the TV and see if I could get anything out of it. For about ten minutes I sat there, maybe three or four feet away, staring intently and concentrating and.... understanding.... color me dumbfounded. The show was beyond stupid. Really stupid. So stupid it was almost funny, but I won't give it that much credit. If I closed my eyes, it became gibberish again. When I opened my eyes I could follow by watching the pattern of speech as the characters' mouths opened and closed. I think it was also a matter of not having enough confidence to close my eyes and focus. After a few minutes, I was tired. It didn't come easily, but I understood nearly everything being said. Wow.

The last little success of my trip that stands out to me is when I arrived back home at the airport in Houston. I was supposed to meet my husband outside the baggage area, but before I took the escalator down I heard him calling my name clearly. I knew he was far away, but I knew it was James, and I knew it was my name! I couldn't locate him though. I turned around, and finally saw James holding Aidan waving at me all the way across the escalator! It was so good to see my guys and so great to be home.

So, where does the credit go for my latest successes? Is it all the cochlear implant? Of course not. It is one amazing tool though. I credit the amount of time I've spent wearing it, even when my head hurt, and it sounded horrible. I would wear it for hours and hours and work my way through those rough first weeks. That wasn't the cochlear implant. That was me. I also worked my way through the mappings my audiologist gave me as quickly as I could, even though it was almost overload on my brain at times processing so much data. As soon as I could, I'd schedule another appointment for another mapping and get more ambitious mappings and continue working my way through them as quickly as possible. This was my way, and that's how I did it and continue to do it. Everyone that gets a cochlear implant has to do this in their own time and their own way.

There are questions on these blogs as to whether the CIs and mappings deserve all the credit for successes. Umm.. no. Heck, no. Some people want to know more about the deaf person's real experience with the implant. I'm trying to be real. It's hard, but it's extremely rewarding. It's so much work, but there was a point I reached about a month into wearing the implant where it became very tolerable. I don't like to complain about it because I waited so long to get this, and I want to appreciate the gift of having it. At the same time I don't want to be a fraudulent ad for cochlear implants and make someone think that it was a matter of a little surgery and slapping on a magnet and processor and "ta-da"!

I'm still out of my comfort zone on the phone, but my audiologist wants me to try to use it more often for the auditory practice. I would use an interpreter on the phone for anything important. I still can't tell you what someone is singing in a song unless I know the song already. I still get occasional static when my brain hasn't processed some mechanical, electrical sounds. Most of the time I get nice quality sound with my implant, but other times it's like being tuned into an AM station, and it's not as pretty, but it usually works itself out in time. When we rent a movie, the subtitles for the deaf and hard of hearing are on, or we are are starting the movie over (and *sigh* it seems like we start over a lot since *I* don't usually hold the remote! :-) ....and every night, I still take it all out and sleep like a baby.

Mapping #6,

Last Wednesday I had my sixth mapping. I spent two hours with my audiologist, and I realized something that truly makes a great audiologist is one who can also play the role of therapist once in a while as well. Not many audiologists seem to spend as much time paying attention to the client's psyche as much as the numbers and data and gadgetry and knick knacks.

My afternoon with Michelle reminded me of a lesson that my state director for the Miss Deaf Tennessee Pageant, Marty Dunnagan, taught me years ago: "The only person you are competing with is yourself." She drilled that in my head that it was all about me doing my personal best and not sitting around getting eaten up by what talents or skills someone else might possess.

Having a new cochlear implant is life changing and stressful, although it's a good kind of stress. It still involves dealing with personal expectations, excitement, disappointment, frustration, and anxiety. I can read other experiences and blogs until the cows come home, but Michelle is concerned I'm going to (or *ahem* already have) become impatient with myself when I, unwittingly, compare myself to others and their experiences.

Usually I find other blogs EXTREMELY inspiring and enlightening on the real experience as opposed to the advertised experience of being a cochlear implant user, but once in a while there might be something said on another blog post that makes me second guess myself or feel like I'm not up to par with where I should be. Usually though, I feel a kindred of spirit with a small group of people that are right now going through this journey as newbies too, and I look to the more experienced posters for encouragement and an idea of what to expect down the road. However, if I find that one thing that makes me doubt myself, it might take me some time to find perspective, and that's when I'll ask Michelle questions..."well, what about this... or what about that??? Was this the right choice? Should I be able to do this?" I'm not bad about bothering her (I don't think anyway), but I do think she is just insightful and pays close attention to what her clients are thinking and saying.

Michelle likes to remind me of what I've accomplished in a short time, what I've had to overcome, what limitations I might have started with that someone else might not have had, and she also reminds me how much I want this to work. Above everything else, she truly believes it's the time, training, and desire to do well that makes successful CI users. She explained why brand name is a factor but in the end, if someone is going to succeed with Nucleus Freedom, they probably would succeed with the Med-el or Advanced Bionics. Likewise, if someone wasn't successful with one, they probably wouldn't have been successful with any. Food for thought. At least I'd never thought of it that way.

I guess a good analogy for Michelle's theory would be that it's like driving a car. Hondas and Toyotas are great, but there's a difference between a 16 year old driver and a 30 year old driver (or should be!) It doesn't matter which one either drives which brand. The 30 year old will most likely adapt most easily due to previous experience driving, while the 16 year old will not have the years of experience of driving in either brand and will have to gain experience one day at a time. The 16 year old shouldn't feel compelled to be as talented a driver as a more experienced one. No type of car is going to put that 16 year old on the same playing field as the 30 year old.

I love my audiologist. She spends more time pepping and educating me than she does testing in booths or plotting points on paper, but her positivity and practical advice is what I take with me and use to keep my goals realistic (or to celebrate when the phenomenal happens!) She also takes her time with the mappings and never rushes. It's great because I will leave there wondering if it's tweaked just right, and then bam, the little things just start rolling and I have to take notes (or blog) to keep up with what happens every time I get a new tune-up after visiting her. I also like to email her little things here and there like "I heard crickets last night!!!" I know she can appreciate it more than anyone.

Even though I left there feeling like I didn't have much more oomph to my CI this time, she did a HINT sentence test just before I left and I scored 79%! I was very nervous for some reason, my own personal expectations, I think. This was just wearing the CI and no hearing aid sitting in a sound proof booth listening to the recorded sentences from the speakers. Before I had the CI surgery, I had scored 43% on the same test. She also re-tested my hearing and it was similar to my first test after activation. All frequencies between 250-6000 were either 20 or 25 dB. Last time there was actually a 15dB in the higher frequencies, but she accuses me of being "trigger happy" (can I help it if my ears ring after one pitch???) and says the most recent test is going to be more accurate. I'm still dumbfounded that it is MY test that has that line right going across the top of the paper instead of curving off the right side of the paper into a dead man's ski drop and fading off into oblivion to never be seen again. Amazing.

Like I said, I didn't feel much power or oomph... mostly it seemed the same but with slightly more static (of sounds I guess I need to process?) However, I've been hearing some really cool stuff in the last few days (plus Michelle also says that's just a life time hearing aid user thing wanting to max out the volume on their new CIs while later deafened people tend to go much easier on that... interesting, yes?) That same night, I heard my VRS (video phone) ringing when my friend, Crissie, called. I've never heard that. I was looking at the ceiling trying to figure out what the ringing sound was when I realized that...holy torpedo...my bat signal was going off in the computer room.

The next day, I noticed that in EVERY room of the house I could hear the birds singing loudly. all. day. long. At one point, I was about to fling open the door (at least in my head) and scream "don't you chicks have some worms to dig???" I had to grin knowing that I was kinda, sorta whining to myself about hearing birds take over the house. I wasn't really that annoyed, but I was amused and in awe of this new mapping that seemed so subtle yet was still hitting like a ton of bricks... this sucker had some serious power.

I left my son and husband at the airport to fly to a wedding in Tennessee on Friday afternoon, two days after my mapping. On the plane I thought I'd relax a bit being child-free (and missing him already) and very tired. However five year old, Giovanni, sitting in front of me begged to differ and talked to me the entire flight peeking over his armrest back at me about his summer plans (five weeks in Chicago) and his Gravedigger monster truck (Aidan has the same one, but Giovanni has FOUR trucks!) he was playing with on armrest or passing back to me to "play" with too and all about the monster truck show we both had the uh... joy?... of attending a few months ago in Houston. :-P He offered me candy and wasn't going to take no for an answer. We looked out our windows at the clouds, and when we landed he pointed out the tractors and trucks on the runway. Of course his dad slept through all of this. My seatmate was of no help either. Since I was already missing my son I was a sucker for this thoroughly exhausting conversation anyway.

Just before we landed this child had tapped me for the umpteenth time. I looked up.... "yes????" Giovanni (who also goes by G-man) says most precociously, "I'm not allowed to talk to strangers." Say what, buddy? Oh no you didn't.... Me *shaking head* and maybe ever so slightly impatient after over 2 hours of ongoing conversation with the little guy.... "well, why are you talking to me?" G-man replies, "you aren't a stranger." *SHAKING HEAD AGAIN* "...you don't know me!" G-man says??? (do I even need to say it?) "Yes, I do!!!"

Who can argue with the wisdom of a five year old missing most of his top front teeth? Certainly not the lady blessed enough to understand almost every word he spoke even though he was half hidden by his seat in front of her on a very loud airplane ride from Houston to Chicago. I hope the little G-man is having a fabulous summer vacation!